Zille Defeu’s Fetish Fantasies

I had this realization yesterday (which happened, oddly enough, while I was masturbating!) of how the whole punishment thing works – at least for me!

I was feeling very confused about wanting punishment, about how thinking about being punished made me so aroused, when not only does being punished generally not feel very arousing during the actual punishment, and also, that I’m not supposed to be viewing punishment as a good thing, because that would lead to it not being very effective!

But I realized that it’s okay for me to be turned on by punishment, before and after (my Master will take care of me not enjoying the during!), because it’s my desire to be punished that has lead me into this relationship in the first place. If being punished was not something I was intensely interested in (and in my case that means eroticizing!), I’d not want to be punished – I simply wouldn’t be interested in being in a power exchange relationship.

But the fact that I’ve been fantasizing about being punished since I was about five is actually a good thing, and it’s also good that I’m so generally positive on the subject, because I’m in a relationship with someone who wants to punish me for my bad or otherwise inferior behavior.

It’s the fact that I love and need to be helpless, controlled, and made to do things that hurt or even just suck (like writing lines or taking cod liver oil) that makes me the slave I am.

So it’s fine that it’s caught up inextricably with my sexuality. Its fine because I’ve finally accepted about myself that I have fantasies about stuff that, when it comes to doing it in real life, hurt a whole hell of a lot, or are very hard to get through. The things I want and need most are often the stuff that I really don’t enjoy when I’m in the middle of it. But thinking of it before, or replaying it in my head, after, I get so aroused!

It’s good that I’ve had this realization. Because tomorrow is the big day. He has told me some of what my punishment will entail. And, to be honest, I’ve masturbated about it all week. I’ve cherished in my mind each pain, each moment of staying in position during agony. That doesn’t mean that I’m not anxious about it. That doesn’t mean I won’t be scared out of my mind when the time comes. Maybe, it will help me get through it, but honestly, the main thing that gets me through a punishment is my Master, because my world narrows down to nothing but him at that moment.

My sexuality doesn’t make sense to me, and I’m not sure how much sense it would make to anyone else. But it serves me well – I wouldn’t want to be any other way.

Even with all this acceptance of self and stuff, please send good thoughts my way tomorrow, that I may get through my punishment with as much grace as possible, so that my Master will be impressed with me, and forgive all!

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