Zille Defeu’s Fetish Fantasies

Archive for the ‘books’ Category

I’ve got Victorian spanking stories on the mind. I’ve been re-reading The Pearl, a long-time favorite, and I have to say that, with the exception of Janus magazine (and Blushes and Roue, too, of course!) Victorian erotica is what I will turn to when I want to read something that will get me drenchingly excited.

When I was about 17, I was stuck with my family in a vaction house over the summer. There were no friends around, and the locals my age had no desire to fraternize with a vacationer. So it was just me and my little sister, and we could get tired of each other’s company pretty fast.

But the house my parents had rented was full of bookshelves. So, being the bookwormy geek that I am, I settled down for a summer of reading other people’s books.

And then I found, innocently enough in a shelf with other random paperbacks, A Man with a Maid and that seriously effected the rest of my summer, which was then spent mostly in my room!

I didn’t have any sex toys, so I went looking around the house for some likely insertable, that no one would think was too strange if they found by my bed. Lo and behold, the table knives were these huge utensils, with sleek, rounded handles. They also curved nicely to one end, as if made to seek out a G-spot! So a knife was secreted by my bed, and I figured if Mom found it I could just tell her I’d been having a late-night snack, “And the knife just fell down there — I was wondering where it went! Couldn’t find it for the life of me!” (It would have been soooooo transparent, but happily my mother never found the furtive bed-side table knife!)

After I went off to college, I could more easily lay hands on erotic books (and keep them undiscovered!) so books like Beauty in the Birch, Frank and I and, The Yellow Room. These were read over and over, and cherished, and if I was a guy, the pages would have been sticky! (Although I’ve never fully understood that. What I do is read the story until I get to a fevered pitch, and then put the book down and replay scenes from it in my head whilst I masturbate. I don’t have enough hands to hold the book up, at the same time, and it would be awkward, anyway, which is not something I particularly desire at that very moment!)

While I was looking up my old favorites online, I discovered this one, and am ordering it right away — I had never heard of it before, and I’m so excited just by the title alone: Tales of Fun and Flagellation!

Back in my post “Subconcious Slavery” post, Karl asked me:

Zille, did you always have this longing to belong to someone else as a 24/7 slave or was there some sort of process you went through in coming to this realization about yourself?

An excellent question, and I’ve been putting off answering it because the reply is going to take so long!

I never really had a longing to be a 24/7 slave before meeting Mr Defeu.

Let me qualify this.

When I was just a wee little thing, I had fantasies about being spanked and about being held by huge hands (my fantasy characters, the “spanking monsters” were giants, you see). So I clearly wanted to be controlled. But I’ve always been a very dominant personality. Outside of my fantasies, I was quite sure, as a child, that I ruled the universe.

When I was about 12, I disavowed my kinky self, and tried to be vanilla for some years. Obviously, this didn’t work very well, because by about age 15, friends were giving me Exit to Eden and Venus in Furs as gifts. I was like that gay kid whose entire family and friends know he is gay, but he’s not willing to admit it, yet!

The thing that really let me realize I was kinky was Pat Califia’s Macho Sluts, as I’ve said before. Thus followed a time of serious exploration. I knew I wanted to be a bottom and a masochist — but I had no idea how to go about being a submissive (nevermind a slave!)

I got into my first BDSM relationship with A., when we were both in college. A. was supposed to be the Top. But she was only a year older than I was, even less experienced in BDSM, and she was at best a switch and probably would have prefered to be the bottom in the relationship.

I basically topped from the bottom for the seven years we were together. After we broke up, friends told me how funny they thought it was that we were supposed to be one way, on the outside, but we really were the exact opposite.

I had pretty much given up on the 24/7 dynamic as an option by this point. I thought it was impossible to do in the real world, it was only good for fantasies and roleplay scenes.

Then I started seeing the man who would become Mr Defeu. Things moved really fast, and by the end of our first proper date, he had told me I could call him “Master.” (Please note that I do not encourage this sort of thing! He and I had known each other for five years, but still, it was very silly of us and we are very lucky it didn’t backfire!)

So he was Master. But what was I? At the beginning, he just called me, “girl.” That was my only title. He told me he wanted to work up to me being his slave. I was not comfortable with that. I told him I didn’t want to be a slave. Why couldn’t I stay being his girl? Or what about some other title?

No, he was adamant, he wanted a slave. And I could be the slave he wanted … or, well, I guess if I had really resisted, we wouldn’t have stayed together. However, all I wanted in the world was to belong to him, so I pushed my comfort-zone aside (as one would throw off a down comforter!) and agreed to be his slave.

So, in some ways I always wanted to end up here, but in other ways it was the last thing on my mind.

I did always long for, from first memory, the masculine (I’ve said before and will say again, it didn’t have to be a man, per se, but it couldn’t have been a effeminate man or girly-girl) figure with strong hands to own me, control me, manipulate me with those big fingers.

And I love being in the M/s relationship we are in now. When I am allowed to be dominant I am often thoughtless and selfish. Being a slave means I must always strive not to put myself first. It makes a great improvement in me as a person!

And it’s a wonderful comfort. I pushed aside a comforter at the beginning of this relationship, but another, better one has replaced it. Every day, every minute, I belong to Mr Defeu. He is in charge. As much as I have to learn to let go of control, the reward is that I get to relax and not try to control things. Mr Defeu has taken the world off my shoulders, and controls what I do carry on my shoulders (like a yoke!)

It was not hard realizing I need to belong to someone. It just made sense, once I started getting the chance to really live it. On a day-to-day basis, I find masochism and the whole corporal punishment thing far more challenging to figure out!

Sorry I missed posting yesturday, but now I’m finally starting to feel better! To make up for it, I’ll post two things today!

First, Abel and Haron, The Spanking Writers, did a great post today: Roald Dahl’s Spanking Poetry. In it, they name-check Roald Dahl, and his wonderful story “Galloping Foxley” which is in Tales of the Unexpected, — an excellent selection of his short stories. Here’s a snipet:

” ‘If you’re too obstinate to answer,’ the voice was saying, ‘then I’ll have to decide for you.’ I wanted desperately to answer because I knew which one I had to choose. It’s the first thing you learn when you arrive. Always keep the dressing-gown on and take the extra strokes, Otherwise you’re almost certain to get cut. Even three with it on is better than one with it off. ‘Take it off then and get into the far corner and touch your toes. I’m going to give you four.’ Slowly I would take it off and lay it on the ledge above the boot-lockers. And slowly I would walk over to the far corner, cold and naked now in my cotton pyjamas, treading softly and seeing everything around me suddenly very bright and flat and far away, like a magic lantern picture, and very big, and very unreal, and sort of swimming through the water in my eyes.

‘Go on and touch your toes. Tighter – much tighter than that.’ Then he would walk down to the far end of the changing room and I would be watching him upside down between my legs, and he would disappear through a doorway that led down two steps into what we called ‘the basin-passage’. This was a stone-floored corridor with wash basins along one wan, and beyond it was the bathroom. When Foxley disappeared I knew he was walking down to the far end of the basin-passage.

Foxley always did that. Then, in the distance, but echoing loud among the basins and the tiles, I would hear the noise of his shoes on the stone floor as he started galloping forward, and through my legs I would see him leaping up the two steps into the changing-room and come bounding towards me with his face thrust forward and the cane held high in the air.

This was the moment when I shut my eyes and waited for the crack and told myself that whatever happened I must not straighten up.

Anyone who has been properly beaten will tell you that the real pain does not come until about eight or ten seconds after the stroke. The stroke itself is merely a loud crack and a sort of blunt thud against your backside, numbing you completely (I’m told a bullet wound does the same). But later on, oh my heavens, it feels as if someone is laying a red hot poker right across your naked buttocks and it is absolutely impossible to prevent yourself from reaching back and clutching it with your fingers.

Foxley knew all about this time lag, and the slow walk back over a distance that must altogether have been fifteen yards gave each stroke plenty of time to reach the peak of its pain before the next one was delivered.

On the fourth stroke I would invariably straighten up. I couldn’t help it. It was an automatic defence reaction from a body that had had as much as it could stand.

‘You flinched,’ Foxley would say. ‘That one doesn’t count, Go on – down you get.’ The next time I would remember to grip my ankles.”

I think the people who do Lupus Spanking should remake this (with a girl in drag, a la Over the Knee!)

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Okay, now for the second part of the post! This week I’ll be madly working to process images I’ve taken so I can launch my Master’s and my fetish photography website. (Beyond a front page, that is!) So, this week, every day, I’ll post a sample of what I’ve been working on! Today’s shot is I think quite thematically appropriate for the text above!

The model getting the cane is Ntali. N.B.: I don’t have a good title for this image. I would love suggestions!

UPDATE: Karl has come up with a winning name: “Recoil” — isn’t it perfect?! I’m so pleased that I will be asking for names for all the images I post this week!

Yesterday as I was walking home from grocery shopping, I saw an elderly gent walking his fluffy white dog – a mutt that looked like the dubious product of a West Highland Terrier getting it on with a Briard.

However ridiculous the dog looked, it didn’t matter because it was one well-loved pooch, that was obvious. It was an elderly creature, like its master, but it was still frisking like a puppy, and the owner was interacting with it with delight and joy.

As they came up the street, they hit a cross street, and the master ordered the dog to, “Sit!” Instantly, the fluffy bundle of pure energy settled into an obedient bottom-down position (I would have said, “a neat posture,” but this is one of those dogs that looks shaggy and unkempt even as you collect him from the groomers). The owner looked both ways, and then, as no cars were in view on this lazy summer afternoon, he grinned at the animal and encouraged it to barrel across the street. It took off with glee, but when the owner thought it had gone far enough, one word turned all that furry dynamism around and he ran back to heel at his master’s leg. In another moment, with another command, the dog had shot off up the hill, with the owner following and laughing lovingly at the sheer enthusiasm of the critter.

Watching all this, I had a smile plastered across my own face. The dog and his master so obviously adored one another, and were completely focused on each other; it was a pleasure to even observe it.

This made me think of my own Master (“Of course,” you may say at this point, “What doesn’t make you think of your Master?!”) and about what I want our Master/slave relationship to be like.

I want it to be like that dog and his owner. I long to be trained to obey with such immediate response. I already focus on my Master with the same eagerness the dog showed for his master, but it needs to be honed and directed.

I think that with training, my Master and I could have that same kind of joy in each other as exemplified by that lucky beast and his adored human. We have moments, a goodly number of moments, with that kind of joy. But my mood swings can get in the way of it, and I can get caught up with thinking silly things, getting the wrong ideas about things, and until my Master can set me straight, that interferes as well.

I really think that training and discipline is the answer for those problems.

Which makes it very handy that darling kaya sent me a copy of Domestic Discipline by Jules Markham.

I’ve started reading it, and I have a lot of thoughts about it, which are best saved for their own post, but there are definitely some good and helpful ideas in this book, and I’m really grateful to kaya for sending it to me!

Well, I wrote the other day about how excited I am about Spanked: Red-Cheeked Erotica . Now, I get to really share some of that excitement with you, my dear readers, because the editor (and author of one of the stories in the anthology, Rachel Kramer Bussel, has stopped by this blog on Day 4 of her Spanked virtual book tour. Here’s what we talked about:

Zille: Despite their myriad differences, all these stories have something in common: you selected them for this anthology. What are the common factors that made you choose these stories for publication?

Rachel: This was one of my easiest anthologies to edit, because the stories, for the most part, just worked. I did a private call for submissions, asking my favorite writers to send me stories, and the ones they turned in surpassed even my greatest expectations. I already edited Naughty Spanking Stories from A to Z 1 and 2 and wasn’t sure how much more great spanking erotica was out there, but they went above and beyond. It’s hard to say, though, exactly why I pick a story. Usually it either works immediately, or it doesn’t. A good story has to grab my attention and not let it go. It has to take me place I haven’t been, or places I have been, but in a new way.

And what I like about these is that they each bring a different nuance to the topic of spanking. They get into the motivations as well as the actions, which is really what makes a story. So I’m not sure how much they have in common save for really powerful, hot, arousing writing that gets into the heads of spankers and spankees. I usually get way more stories from the spankees point of view, which I understand; it’s easier to write, in a sense, but I’m always looking for hot stories from the spanker’s viewpoint as well. I’m editing Bottoms Up, the sequel to Spanked, right now, and, as always, want to get a really good mix of spanking viewpoints, styles, implements, and scenarios.

Zille: You say that you don’t normally like Daddy/girl stories, but you include a story called “Daddy’s Girl” (by Teresa Noelle Roberts) in this book. What made that story hot for you?

Rachel: I think she just nailed that particular form of roleplaying so well. She explained it, without taking the reader out of the story. She also makes it clear that while Daddy/girl play is familiar for this couple, what “Daddy” is doing is a bit out of the norm. He pushes her buttons, and she’s not quite sure what to expect. That I loved, because she made it clear that this is something she enjoys. Other than that, I’m not entirely sure, but if I had to pick a favorite in the book, one story that consistently makes me wet every time I read even a portion of it, it’d be “Daddy’s Girl.”

Zille: These stories range the gamut between people getting spanked for the first time (such as in Donna George Storey’s “A Rare Find”), and well-established spankos pushing intense limits (as your own story, “The Depths of Despair,” exemplifies). In putting an anthology like this together, are there any fears that a section of your readers will be too jaded to enjoy the former, and another part will be freaked out by the latter? How do you walk that line?

Rachel: It’s a tricky line to walk, certainly, especially because I truly hope this book appeals to newcomers who may or may not ever actually engage in spanking, as well as seasoned spankophiles. I made my book trailer deliberately “light” so as to give a sense too of the playfulness of spanking, because that can be a big part of it. But the darker aspects, the ways a spanking can linger on our skin and in our minds, far after it’s done, are just as important. I’m sure there are things in here that will freak some people out; there are things in Spanked that freak me out, but I think that’s a good thing. I also hope people finally figure out that it’s okay to read about fantasies, to grapple with them, to use erotica to figure out what intrigues you, what you might never want to do, what you might do with the right person, under the right circumstances. I really hope the book appeals to people across the spanking spectrum, even people who might never have considered it before. And remember, just because you want to read about something doesn’t mean you’re signing up to get spanked for hours on end. Reading is such a safe form of exploration, because you do it alone and can sort out your thoughts, turn-ons, and turn-offs.

Zille: These days there are so many free spanking stories online, but people are still buying erotic books. What is it about erotica in book form that keeps people coming back for more, even in the face of such wide-spread and easily obtained competition?

Rachel: I think books will always be alive and well, especially erotica (though I’m happy to report you can buy Spanked: Red-Cheeked Erotica for Kindle now). Especially for erotica, though, I think people want something tactile. You can curl up in bed with a book, masturbate with it held close, as opposed to a computer screen. There’s something intimate, to me, about owning a book; it’s yours, and you can write in it or earmark the pages. You know which parts are your favorites, and erotica is a genre where there’s a lot of rereading. Also, you can spank someone with a book! So while I’m totally supportive of online erotica and am happy to see that market flourishing in terms of online publications and e-publishing, I will always be an erotica book buyer and reader, and think plenty of others feel the same way.

Zille: In “Daddy’s Girl,” there is a paragraph that reads,

Soon, my ass feels huge and hot and tender, but in a good way, like huge and hot and tender is it’s proper state, and I’ve been waiting for years, not knowing what I was missing, for someone to repair my sad unspanked bottom.

This sums up exactly how I feel during a spanking. As a fellow spanking-enthusiast, does that description work for you, as well? Does it seem to you, as it does to me, that the desire for a spanking is more than just masochism, there are other “needs” inextricably enmeshed in craving a spanking and the resulting satisfaction from getting one?

Rachel: For me, it is about much more than just masochism. I’m a switch, though probably more of a bottom, but spanking reigns supreme in the activities that, without fail, turn me on, and very quickly at that. For various reasons, I don’t get to indulge my love of spanking very often, so when I do, it kindof sweeps me away, as it did for this character. It’s hard to do a spanking scene (bear with me) half-assed, whether as top or bottom. When someone is only halfheartedly engaging in spanking, it just doesn’t work, or at least, doesn’t work as well as it could or should.

For me, so much of the magic of spanking comes from finding the right partner to connect with, someone who can push me right up to and maybe over my edge, but who gets why I find it hot. If they don’t get that, sure, they may technically know where to hit and know what they’re doing, but they may leave me cold. What I’ve found in working on these stories and interviewing the authors about the motivations of their characters is that spanking taps into so many deeper emotions and needs. It can make the person being spanked extremely vulnerable, and a good top plays with that.

I got caned for the first time in January, and that helped inspire my story. There were so many moments where I almost called it off, where I was so scared of what would happen next, and then I realized I could just work with that fear. I could cry it out, and that the pleasure and the reward of having gone through it would outweigh the momentary pain.

Zille: As you worked on putting this collection together, did you used any of these stories as inspiration for your own personal playtime (alone, or with a lover?) If so … details please!

Rachel: Spanking is one of those activities that for me really only works with a lover (or two). I can get completely turned on fantasizing about it or reading about it but then I’m kindof stuck with myself, though I’ve been reading about self-spankers, which I find interesting. I think the story that really blew my mind and gave me much fantasy fodder was “Daddy’s Girl.” Daddy/girl roleplaying has always been something I’ve skipped over reading about, feeling very removed and a bit squicked by it. But that story pushed me over the edge and made me see the possibilities for it.

I’m hoping to incorporate some of the fantasies I’ve had since working on Spanked into my personal life. It’s not always easy, though, because believe it or not, I can still be very shy about asking to get spanked. Anyone who has the guts to do so, I salute you, and recognize how brave and bold an act that is. I’m amazed, though, at how just reading about spanking or looking at spanking photos, can turn me on; other things turn me on, too, but not as quickly or powerfully as spanking.

Also, and I’m not sure I should say this, but I’ve been spanked by more than one author in the book. That is all I will say about it, other than both authors have very good spanking hands, kinky minds, and stand out in my spanking memories.

Zille: I have to say, hearing that you’ve been spanked by some of the authors of Spanked does add a serious titillation value — it’s so hot to think about! Maybe for the next book you can get all the authors to spank you for the promo video!

Thank you, Rachel, for taking the time to answer my questions! This was really fun, and you’re welcome back on this blog any time!