Zille Defeu’s Fetish Fantasies

Archive for the ‘childhood influences’ Category

A fabulous guy on YouTube put together a cute collection of spankings from vintage DC comics! Enjoy!

(Which leads to this post…)

Okay, this is not a spanking-related post, but you can blame Haron, a Spanking Writer, for it, so it is spanking-related in it’s own special way!

Warning: what this IS is very geeky. Do not continue reading if rampant geekishness offends or frightens you! Also, if you don’t like kinky play that doesn’t involve spanking, just scroll down to the previous post now!

I watched Star Trek: The Next Generation when it first came out – I remember watching the first episode with my parents. It’s weird now to remember back to when I was young and watched TV with my parents in the evening. Although, come to think of it, some of my best memories of childhood are watching Benny Hill and Dr. Who with my dad in the evening. My mom didn’t approve of Benny Hill, but if you think about it, the jokes are often at the level where any child who can talk can appreciate them – because fart jokes are ageless – and kids don’t worry about the stuff that goes over their heads. They are so involved with the things they are focused on, that adult humor generally doesn’t tend to effect them the way some adults fear. Also, I used to get up and run around the room at the end of the show, and make my parents join in. So it really is family entertainment!)

(I can’t find an example of an ending “chase scene” to Yakety Sax on YouTube, but here are some gym skirts in action!)

But TNG didn’t make me a Star Trek geek. I enjoyed the shows, but fanaticism was not inspired. (I was too young to fully appreciate Captain Jean Luc Picard, I think!) What put me around the bend was something that happened when I was in college.

I didn’t have a TV in college – I figured it was an unneeded distraction, and I was happily entrenched in the superior-than-thou “Kill your television” ideal. But one day I’d burnt out all my synapses studying, and I found myself in the student lounge, watching an episode of Star Trek which featured Worf. I enjoyed it very much, but thought no more about it.

But that night, I had the most amazing dream. I was on the Klingon homeworld (Qo’noS, for those who care), with my fiancé, who happened to be a Klingon, and he was taking me around his hometown and showing it to me. I felt this amazing love for him – the most beautiful romantic love – and when I woke up, I actually felt slightly devastated that I’d never see him again, because I could still feel all that love in my heart.

From that moment on, Klingons became very diverting to me!
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Last Sunday, Bonnie over at My Bottom Smarts asked:

Have you ever decided to give up spanking? If so, for what reasons? Did you expect to walk away forever or did you anticipate a temporary abstinence? Why did you return?

Well, I started my reply, but then got to busy to get it up in time, so I’ve finally finished it, and I’m posting it here.

I’ve known that I was kinky since earliest memory. But when I was about twelve, I renounced everything “weird” about me, because I wanted to stop being a geek, bookworm, and general nerd, and become “popular.” One of the “weird” things I rejected about myself was the sexuality I had always somehow known was “different.” So I decided that I would be straight, vanilla – I started reading romances to give me an idea of how to be “normal” sexually. (I’m not sure that was a very good plan – in a very non-feminist way those books are kinky in their own way!)

Happily, when I was 17, my friends sort of conspired to “out” me as kinky to myself. One friend gave me “Exit to Eden,” for my birthday. Another gave me “Venus in Furs.” And the girl I had my first crush on one day brought in a pair of handcuffs to school … and when she put them on me, I felt so horny I could have popped!

Even so, I fought it a bit. I was worried that if I started getting off on pain, “I’ll forget how to get off on pleasure.” (Don’t ask me where I got that idea! And, happily, it hasn’t been the case. Sometimes when my Master and I have vanilla sex, I’m overwhelmed by how good vanilla can be!)

So it wasn’t until college, after my first reading of Pat Califia’s “Macho Sluts,” (I skipped all my classes, stayed in bed and read and masturbated all day!) that I fully accepted that I was a full-on, no holds barred pervert.

So I spent about 6 years in denial of some form or another. Happily, this didn’t really interfere with too much of my adult life … but if I look back and think that instead of doing risky “mostly-safer-sex” (I was really only concerned about pregnancy – considerations of herpes or genital warts or other STDs just didn’t even enter into it!) I could have just been getting spankings – like in some Blushes story, where an Older Gentleman steps forward to protect, educate, and discipline a young lady, sighhhhh – it does make me wish I’d never sworn off it!

My Master had his own period of renouncing spanking. As a young man, he had built up quite a collection of Janus and Blushes magazines. He’s not here for me to ask him exactly what age he swore off spanking, and threw them all out, but it was before his 30s, I’m pretty sure. You can hear the regret in his voice when he talks about the magazines he simply discarded – some of which he has not been able to replace, in the years since he reclaimed his kinky sexual birthright.

Both he and I thought we were “walking away forever” when we made our choices. And we both returned because we had no choice. I had good friends who forced me to confront my desires, my core-self. He moved to the US and discovered spanking parties and being able to go to dungeons and pay nice ladies to lay across his lap.

And thank the gods of CP that we both allowed ourselves to accept that part of ourselves – or we probably would never have met!

Amazon.com is the last place I would have expected to find a far-ranging and at times very intelligent discussion of spanking — not the consensual adult kind, but the actual raising-your-child kind, upon which us pervy adults base most of our role-play.

The discussion starts out basically as an advertisement for the No-Spank unilateralists. But then, some reasonable people weigh in:

Anonymous says: Michael, I spanked my kids and they lived to tell the tale! They were always warned first and if the behavior didn’t change they got 3 swats on that padded spot! I was spanked growing up and it was always deserved! It does, IMO, have a place in raising a kid at times. That being said I had one kid that I could always talk and explain things to, from a young age. He got spanked when it was deserved though. The next one was the type you had to smack him to get his attention and then spank him for his misdeed. Both have grown up to be fine, productive men.

Ricky B. says: Unfortunately Anonymous, you are now a child abuser according to Michael. This is where its funny, its either his way or you’re an abuser. Michael you talk so much of other people being open minded yet it seems you have a closed mind yourself. I agree spanking is not a be all end all punishment. But at times it does have a place.

ALL kids try to push boundaries and see what they can get away with. And at times a simple “talking to” or grounding, or even scolding isnt enough to deter that behavior. And while some children can respond and listen well, there are some that can’t. I talked beforre about my uncle, they don’t believe in spanking their children. Their daughter has grown up so far to be a mature, and responsible person. She listens to them, doesn’t act up and has respect for other people. Their son however, decided at an early age that he didn’t have to listen to mom and dad. They’ve disciplined him multiple times, but he knows there is no follow through if he just ignores the discipline. He gets grounded, he’ll just leave anyways. I’ll say it, the kid is a little brat, he treats his parents and most of the other family with no respect. IMO in that sort of instance where other discipline isn’t working, then yes, a swat on the butt to show the kid that there ARE going to be consequences is a helpful form of punishment.

Though I know I’m wasting my time even trying to tell you, you’ll just go on your “its all abuse and pain makes children serial killers”. Let me guess, you’re one of those people who support the “everyone gets a medal” sports they’re doing at schools now too? We don’t want any of our children actually believing they have to work hard to do something or that there *gasp* are actually people that are better at things than other people in the world.

One has to wonder if being spanked as a kid can help people to learn how to be reasonable and see the world from more than one point of view!

Seriously, where I weigh in on this is that A.) I don’t think that I received enough helpful discipline growing up — and I certainly got too much of the “Oh, you are the next Picasso!” when I managed to complete a finger-painting, or “You are a genius!” when I managed to come to a reasonable conclusion in a paper. (Mostly from my parents, this must be said. My school was actually pretty good at being encouraging without going overboard. I do shudder to admit this, because when I complained about the school, my mom did tell me that I was getting a good education, and that I would appreciate it someday! [sighs])

Being told I was a genius, when an IQ test would have told another story, didn’t help me in life. The day I suddenly realized that I was not a genius was very painful, and I really could have skipped the pain of having that (entirely unnecessary) bubble burst!

Having been taught some self-discipline (by means of external discipline) would have come in very handy! I can tell you for certain that having to try and learn it on your own, as an adult, is no fun at all, and it makes me feel like an emotional and intellectual cripple, at times. One minor example: my mom keeps a Better-Homes-And-Gardens-ready house at all times. She balances her check-book every month. She told me that I should do these things, but she never gave me real incentive (like, “if you don’t keep your room clean, X, Y, or Z will happen”) and so in the end, I didn’t get in the habit of doing those things, and now I struggle to get in that habit, and better organize my life — and it’s a bit odd to me that she valued neatness and organization so much, but couldn’t be bothered to properly instil those values in me.

As a teenager, I could (and did!) say, “Fuck off!” to her. She didn’t like it … but a later half-hearted apology could get me out of all trouble. Even at the time, I was amazed she let me get away with it — but there was no way I wasn’t going to take advantage of it! In the years since leaving the nest, I’ve had real trouble, when fighting with a partner, not to say hurtful and thoughtless things. I’ve been working on it for years, and I think my Master would say I’m not too bad now (he was willing to marry me, after all!) but the fact of the matter is that if I had had to learn to moderate my speech for fear of consequences in my youth, I’d it would have been easier to moderate my speech (for fear of the consequences of hurting my partner’s feelings, or even just not wanting to shoot off my mouth and sound like an ass) in my adult years.

So, yes, I’m for spanking or some other form of reasonable discipline for children. I’ve seen kids go off into fits where only “a short sharp shock” would end the selfish hysterics. (One girl I know of got shoved in a cold shower — fully dressed — to put an end to her screeching fit. It seems entirely reasonable.)

I don’t know why everyone who is into spanking as an adult has gotten their interest in it. But I know where mine came from: I want to feel loved, and knowing someone is willing to discipline me is proof of love in my head. And I have felt this way, actually, since I was a very young kid. I spent my whole childhood longing to be properly disciplined. Sure, at the time I’d never have admitted it! I would have pouted and sulked and complained, as any child does who can’t get their way for whatever reason. But under that, I would have cherished knowing that some cared about me in that way — someone would pay that much attention to me. And indeed, much of childhood bad behaviour is “acting out” — trying to get attention. Who knows how much less need kids would have to “act out,” if they knew someone was paying attention, and their efforts would get immediate results (if not perhaps entirely the most desired results!)

Anyway, it’s a moot point — I won’t be having children (for health reasons), and so I can’t try out my personal social experiments on them (which, before you get all upset, is, when you think about it, what every parent does!) However, for me personally, I am lucky — I’ve found someone who is able to love me that way (and wanted someone he could love that way!) and so I am able to get some of the discipline I didn’t get before. And, one hopes, because I can actually “sign up” for the course (and my brains are as developed as they are going to get), it should be more efficacious, faster, than actually going through childhood all over again!

I don’t even know where to start with this overwhelming weekend!

Yes, yes, I can hear you, “Begin at the beginning and when you get to the end … stop.” Okay, okay….

We left on Friday, and Shadow Lane was already in full swing when we got there. It seems people had arrived as early as Tuesday, and some were leaving Monday or later. It seemed smart when we had bought the plane tickets not to spend too much time there, when we were unsure of how much we’d enjoy it, but by the time September rolled around, we’d made enough friends in the spanking scene that it meant we didn’t get enough time to talk as much as we’d have liked with our new friends. Next time – longer trip, more partying!

Anyway, we got there Friday afternoon. I had been stupid the night before, and had not taken a sleeping pill, and I ended up with terrible insomnia, because I was as excited a kid going away to summer camp for the first time. (This is not as unlikely a comparison as one would think…!) But it did mean that I felt very tired when we got to the hotel, and really not ready to sudden go to a huge party with hundreds of strangers, a few friends whom I knew from online, and about three people I knew in person!

I’m not sure if you have figured this out about me, but “I only play extroverted on TV.” I’m really just a shy geek who’d rather stay in and discuss science fiction or spanking with her friends. (Or yes, have a small orgy, but it’s only ever been a small one, I tell you, and only with people I know and like!)

I had somehow managed to forget my shyness, myself. I think the last time I was this nervous was my first SkinTwo RubberBall, but even then I knew that I wouldn’t have to be conversing with that many people: we’d be in a crowded space that would be have too much thumpy-thumpy loud music to encourage much in the way of discussion.

But at this event, I’d actually have to talk to people! [gasp] And suddenly my powers of scintillating and effervescent conversation seemed to have fled altogether. And I was nervous about my outfits: it’s one thing to be a schoolgirl in a room full of other kinks. But I was about to be a schoolgirl in a room full of schoolgirls and headmasters….

I tormented friends with text after whiny text, “Help! What are you wearing?” “Which knickers should I wear?” “I don’t want to be the only one in uniform!” Finally the Minx and Young Bridget (both of them looking delicious in their uniforms!) to braid her hair in my room and try and get me to mellow out. (Showing wisdom and compassion far past her tender years, I might add!)

So, down we all went, and I felt a bit better for being in a group. Although I must say that walking through a Vegas casino in a group of uniformed schoolgirls was one of the more surreal moments in a life that I thought had already been stuffed full of very fantastic and bizarre experiences! (At the aforementioned RubberBall, getting into a cab as Queen Elisabeth I, with a Cardinal in leather – Mr. Defeu – and a gorgeous woman dressed like Jessica Rabbit – but in rubber – was one of those! At least the cabbie seemed amused!)

Things continued to improve on the way in, as I finally met Tony of Shadow Lane in the flesh, and chatted a bit with him. The food was odd, but edible (I ended up eating a large plate of tasty roast beef and fresh, very ripe, melon slices) and then I couldn’t poke at my food anymore, I had to actually start talking to all these strange new people. (Well, okay, no stranger than me, in general, just strange to me!)

Meeting the people I’d befriended online was very nice, although one does always have in mind that one has to try to be as witty and sociable in person as one is in blog comments and on Twitter, and honestly I think I write better than I speak.

But I bucked up and did my best. Mr. Defeu and the Minx and Headmaster Tony from Florida Moonshine ended up making a circuit of the ballroom, with the two of them introducing us round to their friends. I was just getting a bit of equanimity when suddenly it was suggested that it was time for a spanking. Next thing I know, Mr. Defeu had found a good place to sit, and had ordered me over his lap. I just looked at him in horror – I was so embarrassed, it was as if I’d never played in public before in my life! His tone grew stern, “Over my knee, girl,” and I went to bend over his lap. “Wrong side,” he told me, and I struggled gracelessly trying to get up from a half-executed manoeuvre, and orient myself in the other direction, feeling like a total fool.

I lived through it, obviously! But it taught me that I need to start looking at things differently when I go to spanking parties. There is a place in between just being a performer (and I’ve done a lot of performing at fetish night clubs, so I know this space all too well!) and a private scene between Mr. Defeu and me (which is where I’ve been, really, for most of the past three years!) There is a place where you are not performing, but where you are able to do some kinky fun stuff in public and have it be real, but not so profound that you can’t handle an audience. I have to learn abut that middle place!