Zille Defeu’s Fetish Fantasies

Archive for the ‘personal growth’ Category

So tonight Zille was punished. It doesn’t matter for what, and I mean that comprehensively: it didn’t really matter to us, either, what the specific offense was, but rather that we once again exercise the core element of our partnership, which was born out of a disciplinary relationship.

The point of a proper punishment is that it should be unpleasant enough to discourage a repeat offense. That does not mean that neither of us shouldn’t benefit from the experience in happy, positive, sexually-charged ways, but rather that she won’t want a second dose any time soon.

So on returning home from the office, I had her dress in her white spandex compression shorts. I then spanked her for a while before proceeding to the main event, as it were: ginger. At the weekend (actually, in the small hours of Sunday night after a friends birthday bash), we got a large chunk of a huge old ginger root. Zille had created an experimental holder from a retired butt plug, and fastened the ginger into the base of the thing.

It was a large piece of ginger, and by the time it was a third of the way in, she was squirming. But we persevered, and got the whole thing inserted.

With the ginger burning brightly, I spanked her to settle the “fig” inside her.

The heart of the punishment was 12 strokes of the cane — our “special” cane with all sorts of significance to our relationship. The first 6 she took fairly well (with regular pauses to re-seat the “fig”), but after only two strokes of the second set she was in extreme discomfort. Being considerate, I finished the set with four quick strokes, and then let her settle down with a final spanking.

Once I let her remove the ginger, we enjoyed what used to coyly be called “marital relations”.

And now to dinner, which she is serving right now…

The very nice Bondage Blog just linked to my 1970′s Spanking Party post. So I wandered over to the site to look ’round, and immediately found an anime pic which totally does it for me:

What I like in the above image:

• The knickers roughly shoved aside for penetration. Sex is better NOT naked!
• The anime jizz. I’ve been totally corrupted by a combination of Victorian and anime porn (who knew those had anything in common?!), and so my fantasies have copious ejaculate flying everywhere.
• The fact that time was taken to draw the guy as out of shape. I love the “humiliation” factor there — hot young girl being used by older guy. I’d actually much rather see that than a hot porn stud any day of the week. It’s just more where I’m at.
• The position, too. She is so helpless on his lap like that. It makes her look really small, and him really in control.

Kink.com, despite their usual focus on nudity (yawn), do have a very good shot of this fetish:

(Also, can I just say I love the use of chiaroscuro in this image. It actually adds to how hot it is for me!)

I did not have the panties-pushed-aside fetish until I got together with Mr Defeu. But combining his fetishes for schoolgirl uniforms with authentic knickers and his spandex catsuit fetish with my endless desire for penetration (heehee, puts new meaning to: “You got your chocolate in my peanut butter!” “No, you got your peanut butter in my chocolate!”) soon lead to us both realizing that we’d much rather have sex where he was either pushing my regulation knickers to the side (or unzipping my catsuit crotch-zipper just enough) for roughly “taking” me.

Hmm, that last sentence calls for more thought on the matter. The fact is that I really would prefer to be playing at “consensual non-consent” (the “safe” and more comfortable term for “rape play”) than happily boinking away. There is time in my world for some consensual sex, but if I was to get a “bumper sticker” tattoo in the area over my ass, it would read, “I’d rather be pretending I don’t want to!” (“My other car is being raped” doesn’t have quite the right ring to it! Anyone have any other bumper sticker ideas?)

And here is where I think the Victorian and anime porn influences really do intersect and make me the girl I am today. Both the Victorians and the Japanese are a culture where “Good girls don’t,” and where it’s all about male desire, and women submitting. Whether it’s a lord of the manor with an unwilling maid-servant, or a tentacle-monster with a uniformed-schoolgirl, chances are great she’ll be moaning, “No, no, please don’t put it in there!”

And, given my druthers, I’ll be in a Victorian period gown (with corset and other period unmentionables, thank you!) or schoolgirl uniform, moaning just the very same thing, as my clothing is shoved roughly out of the way, so proper phallic item can be pushed even more roughly inside me.

Yes, now that is what I like!

Hello there, my dear Readers. I’m utterly worn out from my time dealing with my family, so this isn’t going to be the proper post I’d like to do, but I just wanted to do a small post thanking you all for being wonderful friends and fans this past year.

This wasn’t an easy year for me. At this time last year I was in a really bad place, and in the beginning of the year Mr Defeu and I had some real hard spots. I am really proud of the fact that despite the bad stuff I kept this blog going, and I think the reward is that, with the hard patches worked through, we are in a wonderful place and ready to have a brilliant new year — and I’m so ready to be back to this blog — which is really a very important part of my life — in a much more meaningful way in the coming year.

Kaya sums up how she feels about her Master S … which is just how I feel about Mr Defeu:

He makes me feel loved, and cherished. He makes me feel beautiful and wanted. He makes me feel special and worthy. He’s my companion, my lover. He makes me laugh, sometimes until I cry. I never want for a hug or a kiss. I’m never without someone to talk to, a warm body to snuggle, a welcoming lap to slide onto, loving eyes to look into.

Shadowlane has done a delightful 12 Days of Christmas which ends up at a teaser for the video Mr Defeu and I just did for them. (And don’t I look quite distressed about the over-girdle spanking I’m getting, there!)

Delicious Pandora Blake has been outdoing herself recently with excellent posts — thought-provoking and sexy — and Abel & Haron agree! I’ll just like to her site as a whole, because I can’t choose just one to link to. She also had some very kind words to say about me — thank you, darling girl!

Zille is currently in the running for this year’s New Spankee award at the Spanking Spot, although she’s not a new spankee – she’s been running BDSM and fetish porn sites for years as a producer and photographer, and is only new to the niche world of pure spanking sites. Speaking as a producer/director myself, I can tell you that she’s an absolute star to work with – totally professional, very talented and a complete sweetheart. Please do vote for her – she’s one of the pioneers of queer and female-gaze porn, a total hottie and a gorgeous person to boot, and it would be great to give her credit where it’s due.

Not to jinx myself, the New Spankee of the Year vote is going well for me at the moment, and I am cautiously hopeful! (This is not to say that I couldn’t still loose at the last minute, so please take a moment to vote, if you haven’t yet!) I am not sure exactly how I will thank everyone if I DO win, but I have some thoughts on the matter that I’m tossing around in my head. A free video of me being spanked is one of my ideas….

Speaking of free videos, Ludwig & Kaelah have a free spanking video treat for everyone happening right now at their site. Mr Defeu and I have been barely capable of making tea for ourselves the past few days, so we haven’t seen it yet, but it’s high on the priority list!

Okay, for “not a proper post” this has been going on reasonably long! Hopefully, posts in this coming year will just flow out as easily as this one has done. Thank you for sticking with me during a year when I was barely around, and for then for voting for me at the end of this missing year! You are the best friends and fans a girl could hope for, and I appreciate you all very much!

Oh! Mr Defeu has been making some noises about writing for this blog. The best thing I could think of for the coming year would be for him to join me here. Please take a moment to let him know that he is wanted not just by me, but that you would all like to hear his side of the story, too!

I just rediscovered this post, due to the fact that a spammer had left a comment on it. I forget how many years of regular posting I have here, and much of that was migrated from Livejournal, so it’s not been properly tagged and incorporated into this blog, so lots of the early romance between Mr Defeu and me is just sort of sitting in limbo.

I’ve decided to repost them as I come across them (spammers do have a use, it seems!) and so here is the one I found today, that is very appropriate due to the face that Mr Defeu and I are very much in a gooey-romantic phase at the moment….

From 28th August 2007….

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Mr D. was so sweetly romantic last night! I asked him if he’d read my journal entry, and he explained that he’d only read half, as his boss had walked into his office and he’d had to close the window. “But,” he added, “I do have one comment.”

“What?” I asked, a little scared that he might be upset with me about the post.

“Well, in that part where you say that despite the engagement ring on your finger, you can’t comprehend that it’s forever and ever … well, I thought you forgot an ‘ever’.”

“What –?” I asked, trying to follow the logic.

“Forever and ever and ever,” he said, looking at me with that earnest and open expression you only ever see on the faces of people who love you and trust you completely.

At which point I broke down and started crying and kissing his hand (which I’d been holding). “That’s what I really thought as I read it,” he assured me, which meant that I didn’t stop crying with happiness (and clinging to him) for some minutes!

He’s a big old sop of a romantic, he is! And, it makes me feel even more guilty for wanting him to go into another head-space when he’s enjoying the sweet and romantic one so much. I know that with the girls he was with before me, he didn’t get to explore that as much as he would have liked. He’s well known around the local kink scene for being a great Top (when I started dating him, I was rather bemused at how many bottoms came up to me and told me, somewhat wistfully, “You know how great he is, I hope….” For some it was just a kind — and true! — remark. For others … as if they were letting me know that if I didn’t work out with him, they’d be more than willing to replace me!
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Our first shoot with Shadowlane — yes, I wrote, “our” – that’s because Mr. Defeu has joined me on camera for his first porn outing with his face showing! (You’ll remember he worked with me on a spanking video for IFM, but there he was still incognito.) Being the wise fellow that he is, he waited until he was truly comfortable with being on camera making adult films – then, he went for it, no holds barred! (Something I hope any spanking actress – male or female – will do with the same self-awareness. If you ain’t comfortable, just don’t do it – when you become comfortable, don’t let anything stop you!)

I’ve been promised plenty of teaser shots from Tony & Eve (and let me tell you, they’ll be teasing me just as much as you – I can’t wait to see the videos!) for now, here’s a fun one. I just wanted to get some impressions down, while they were fresh.

A favourite moment was when Mr D and Clare Fonda were in a scene together. They were a married couple (not long to remain so!) and he had just found out that she’d been cheating on him, as well as lying and stealing. He confronts her, and it ends with him spanking her – an outcome which I’m sure will surprise you all!

The minute they got on camera together, sparks flew. They are both witty, eloquent, vibrant people, and they were just brilliant together. They were funny, genuine, and intense. There was one point where they were arguing, and they just started talking right over one another, like a couple who has been together for too long, and just doesn’t care what the other has to say anymore. It was amazing – I had no idea that my husband is such a brilliant actor, and I can’t wait to see him doing other films!

Another wonderful moment was while I was working with Clare. Well, most of the moments were quite wonderful, actually, but this is the one I’ll tell you about right now. I had tried to blackmail “Iris,” my husband’s ex-wife (see above!) and demanded to spank her to keep her secret. Well, she then got the goods on me, and promised to my husband unless I let her spank me – and then she wanted to humiliate me even more by penetrating first my pussy and then my ass – gasp!

Now, the spanking was of course fantastic – it was coming from Clare Fonda, after all! – but the moment of penetration, especially the anal one, had this delicious humiliation to it that I keep remembering with erotic shudders.

Now, I know you’ll say, “But Zille, you’re just an anal-sex loving slut who can’t get enough bum action!” to which I’d have to agree, but the thing is that I’m a different kind of slut than I used to be.

Before I got into the spanko scene, I was more the “shameless hussy,” sort. I’d been there and done that, and I wasn’t going to be embarrassed anymore by most anything I was okay with doing in any scene. I mean, I’d probably done it on stage at the fetish nightclub or at the peep show where I’d worked, so shame was something I’d proudly done away with.

But, reading Janusii, and watching spanko porn, and reading the journals of the lovely spanko community, I realized that I wanted that shame back – that it added a piquancy that being a shameless hussy just couldn’t have by definition.

That doesn’t mean that I’m any less proud of my career in porn or my performances at fetish events or even the orgies I had in college. But, somehow, just by wanting it, I got back the embarrassment that I thought I’d gotten rid of – so that I could get a thrill of shame and awkwardness from merely taking down my knickers – while otherwise entirely clothed!

I had always maintained that “I’m just not into that humiliation thing,” when actually I am really, really into it – I just needed a new framework for it. Being humiliated when being a naked slave on a chain did nothing for me. But being humiliated whilst dressed in a proper schoolgirl uniform – now you’re talking!

So, there I was, on a porn set, where you’d think that after the amount of time I’ve spent making porn in my life would be the one place where I’d feel just entirely at home. And I could have done, and would have done five years ago.

But now both my character and my real self were deeply enjoying the embarrassment of being exposed and penetrated. My character was feeling degraded and shamed by the tables being turned on her, and the obviously inferior [grins to Clare] ex-wife getting to have her evil way with her. I found myself feeling quite shy suddenly to have a roomful of people I’d just met seeing a long acrylic dildo shoved up my bottom. Yes, yes, they were all pros who’d seen this sort of thing a million times before, something I would have reassured myself with if I wasn’t enjoying the exquisite humiliation of it all.

It’s an odd thing, perhaps, to write about getting turned on at a porn shoot. But when I work with people, I give them 100% effort – and that means that my arousal is more a sort of cerebral thing. As I work, the thought “Oh, look, I’m in this hot situation with these sexy people, doing stuff that really turns me on!” will flash through my mind, but it is sharing space with: “Am I facing the lighting correctly?” “Am I working with the camera(s) to best effect?” “How is my co-actor doing?” “What is my next line?” “What emotions should my character be feeling now, and am I expressing them with face and body?” “Am I talking loud enough for the cameras to be catching it?” and so forth.

So it was with a real delight that I realized how aroused I was by the humiliating circumstances (a basically complete stranger I’d met a couple hours earlier is shoving an acrylic dildo up my ass in front of other near-strangers, and my husband!) and I was in a place where I could really enjoy it – my character was supposed to be feeling the same thing, for similar reasons, and all I had to do was lie there an make the appropriate noises – which, if I just let go and enjoyed the situation, would happen naturally.

So all those things coming together (as it were) put me in a space where I could really enjoy them as much as if I was in a private scene at home.

Of course, I have to thank Eve, Tony, Butch, and Clare for giving me that moment. I trusted all of them implicitly, so I could just let go and enjoy myself.

I can’t wait to see the films, and whenever Shadowlane wants us, we’ll get our butts right down to Vegas!