Zille Defeu’s Fetish Fantasies

Archive for the ‘service’ Category

Back in my post “Subconcious Slavery” post, Karl asked me:

Zille, did you always have this longing to belong to someone else as a 24/7 slave or was there some sort of process you went through in coming to this realization about yourself?

An excellent question, and I’ve been putting off answering it because the reply is going to take so long!

I never really had a longing to be a 24/7 slave before meeting Mr Defeu.

Let me qualify this.

When I was just a wee little thing, I had fantasies about being spanked and about being held by huge hands (my fantasy characters, the “spanking monsters” were giants, you see). So I clearly wanted to be controlled. But I’ve always been a very dominant personality. Outside of my fantasies, I was quite sure, as a child, that I ruled the universe.

When I was about 12, I disavowed my kinky self, and tried to be vanilla for some years. Obviously, this didn’t work very well, because by about age 15, friends were giving me Exit to Eden and Venus in Furs as gifts. I was like that gay kid whose entire family and friends know he is gay, but he’s not willing to admit it, yet!

The thing that really let me realize I was kinky was Pat Califia’s Macho Sluts, as I’ve said before. Thus followed a time of serious exploration. I knew I wanted to be a bottom and a masochist — but I had no idea how to go about being a submissive (nevermind a slave!)

I got into my first BDSM relationship with A., when we were both in college. A. was supposed to be the Top. But she was only a year older than I was, even less experienced in BDSM, and she was at best a switch and probably would have prefered to be the bottom in the relationship.

I basically topped from the bottom for the seven years we were together. After we broke up, friends told me how funny they thought it was that we were supposed to be one way, on the outside, but we really were the exact opposite.

I had pretty much given up on the 24/7 dynamic as an option by this point. I thought it was impossible to do in the real world, it was only good for fantasies and roleplay scenes.

Then I started seeing the man who would become Mr Defeu. Things moved really fast, and by the end of our first proper date, he had told me I could call him “Master.” (Please note that I do not encourage this sort of thing! He and I had known each other for five years, but still, it was very silly of us and we are very lucky it didn’t backfire!)

So he was Master. But what was I? At the beginning, he just called me, “girl.” That was my only title. He told me he wanted to work up to me being his slave. I was not comfortable with that. I told him I didn’t want to be a slave. Why couldn’t I stay being his girl? Or what about some other title?

No, he was adamant, he wanted a slave. And I could be the slave he wanted … or, well, I guess if I had really resisted, we wouldn’t have stayed together. However, all I wanted in the world was to belong to him, so I pushed my comfort-zone aside (as one would throw off a down comforter!) and agreed to be his slave.

So, in some ways I always wanted to end up here, but in other ways it was the last thing on my mind.

I did always long for, from first memory, the masculine (I’ve said before and will say again, it didn’t have to be a man, per se, but it couldn’t have been a effeminate man or girly-girl) figure with strong hands to own me, control me, manipulate me with those big fingers.

And I love being in the M/s relationship we are in now. When I am allowed to be dominant I am often thoughtless and selfish. Being a slave means I must always strive not to put myself first. It makes a great improvement in me as a person!

And it’s a wonderful comfort. I pushed aside a comforter at the beginning of this relationship, but another, better one has replaced it. Every day, every minute, I belong to Mr Defeu. He is in charge. As much as I have to learn to let go of control, the reward is that I get to relax and not try to control things. Mr Defeu has taken the world off my shoulders, and controls what I do carry on my shoulders (like a yoke!)

It was not hard realizing I need to belong to someone. It just made sense, once I started getting the chance to really live it. On a day-to-day basis, I find masochism and the whole corporal punishment thing far more challenging to figure out!

It’s really funny, everyone who links to me puts me in a different category, depending on what my recent blog posts have been about.

• If I’ve been putting up some of the pictures from my modeling days, they put me under “spanking model,” or “fetish model.”
• If I’m linking to spanking blogs and classic spanking videos, then I’m put in the “general spanking” category.
• If I’ve been talking about my relationship with Mr Defeu, then this blog is a “Master slave blog.” (Or even, a “blog about master/servant relationships” — Oh well, at least he thinks it’s “fascinating”!)*

Back when I did DarkPlay.net , I knew the site was never going to be a commercial success the way it was a critically acclaimed artistic success because I was too diversified: I did spanking shoots, and every fetish you could imagine, and sometimes just vanilla stuff like a nice lesbian threesome or what-have-you. And people looking for porn generally want the one thing they want: spanking, hold the latex. Or hardcore bondage, and don’t let’s see that boring vanilla twaddle! Or feet and stockings; what are you bothering with this other stuff for? Or, if it don’t involve pee, it ain’t for me!

But I thought when I started doing this blog that I had managed to concentrate my varied kinky interests into the specific and most vital ones. I don’t write here about the tentacle monster anime that I love. I’ve been in erotic cannibalism fetish shoots, and vampiric blood-drinking shoots. But what I post here is spanking stuff (and yes, some bondage, but they go together like chocolate and peanut butter!)

But now I wonder: am I still too diversified? Are the spankos turned off because I’m in an M/s relationship? Are the M/s people bored with my blog because my Master and I do more spanking and Daddy/girl stuff and less high Gorean protocol? Do the “real” people not trust me because I’ve been a porn model?** (And I don’t even have to ask if the domestic discipline people sniff and look down their noses at me because I’m unashamedly into various aspects of BDSM — okay, okay, all the aspects.)

Do I just not fit in anywhere?

Bah. I don’t know. I think I’m coming down with something; I have a sore throat and a fever. Undoubtedly this is just me feeling down because I don’t feel well, and I’ll be back to being your chipper kinky blogger soon.

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* Really, I should just be appreciative that he linked to me in the first place — he could easily have just linked to the website itself. And Depeche Mode has a really great song called “Master and Servant.”
**I have always loved that because I was a pro-model, I thus somehow lost my “realness.” I must now be an imaginary person. Indeed, every pro-model, be she a porn model, fetish model, or fashion model must just actually be a figment of a sort of mass hallucination!

Well, I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised that my dear readers would get so excited to discuss all-things-blowjob, but it is lovely to be getting lots of comments again, right after moving this blog!

One dear reader, Fyre, actually gave me a link that I think can safely be described as “even better than the link you found” by another dear reader, Paul.

Here’s the Bestest. Blowjob. Link. Evar! (Bugger. The link would have to break the very day I link to it! Here is the cached, text-only version, which still has all the lovely information.)

I’m happy to report that all of this led to me giving Mr Defeu a blowjob last night!

He had seen a glimpse of the entry (when he fixed yet another problem with this dratted new blog that dear reader Karl pointed out!) but he was at work, and the picture with that entry was not exactly what you’d call “safe for work”!

When he got home, I was feeling quite randy, and asked if I could practice my new “m4d skillz0rs” upon him. He suggested that, as he had to go to bed early because he had to go into work early, I should give him a blowjob to help him fall asleep.

So, after dinner and some TV, he lay down on the bed, and I knelt between his legs.

I can’t say that after one night, I have mastered the deep throating skills, but I think I can say a good step forward has been made. I actually found that the MRI image of the woman deep-throating helped me a great deal, because I could visualize it in my head and say to myself, “Okay, now my throat feels like that because this is happening,” which might not work for everyone, but I found very useful in keeping from freaking out and gagging.

I really love the idea of Mr Defeu using my throat like that — it makes me feel even more like he is using me for his pleasure, that I am serving him.

I think I will have lots more blowjob explorations to discuss with you lot in the future!

I was wandering around the interwebs last night — I don’t even remember what I was looking for — and I found this wonderful page giving explicit instructions on how to deep throat when you give a man a blowjob.

Here for the first time ever are simple and explicit instructions on how to deep throat a penis. Position is important; you’ll want to in position where you can extend and straighten your neck by slightly tilting your head back. This helps line up your throat with your mouth allowing the penis to slide in deep. The best position for beginners is with the receiver lying on his back with the giver lying on the stomach along side. You can prop yourself up on your elbows.

The penis must be THOROUGHLY LUBRICATED! I can’t stress this enough. An erect penis will slide much easier along the tongue and into the throat if it is well lubricated. Once you’re in position, slightly tilt your head back and extend the tip of your tongue just past your bottom lip. Flatten the back of your tongue just as you would if a doctor were using a tongue depressor to look in your throat. (Extending your tongue helps flatten the back of your tongue. Force your throat open as you would if you were yawning. (contrary to popular belief, you don’t ‘relax’ your throat muscles to perform deep-throat. Forcing the back of your tongue down and your throat open will counter the gag reflex and create a larger opening for the penis to enter)

Now, take a deep breath and slowly slide the length of the penis into your mouth and along your tongue. When you feel the urge to gag, pause and hold the penis there as long as possible then withdraw it. Repeat this process as many times as you can. Eventually you’ll be able to take the penis in deeper and deeper until you can take the entire length of it across your tongue and down your throat

One thing to remember is when you get to the point where the head actually enters the throat, you may feel a little resistance and will need to give a little extra ‘push’ to get the penis fully in. It may help to use your tongue to pull the penis in deeper. When you reach the point where you feel the gag reflex, pause for a moment, then, without removing the penis from you mouth, extend your tongue out a little further, then pull your tongue back in your mouth, pulling the penis along with it.

You contact lens wearers will no doubt remember the difficulty you had overcoming the involuntary urge to blink the first few times you tried to put in your lenses, but with practice and patience it became very easy to do. The same applies to deep-throating! Be patient and practice the technique as often as possible.

After you’ve learned to take in the entire length, you can begin working on some ‘advanced techniques’ that will add even more pleasure. Some of these techniques are letting you partner ejaculate with the entire length of his penis in your throat.

If you don’t like the taste of cum, this is a great technique because the head of his penis will be well past the taste buds on the back of you tongue when he ejaculates. You’ll also be able to perform a ‘throat massage’ on his penis while it’s in your throat.

This technique will drive your partner wild with passion as your throat muscles massage his penis. This is accomplished by actually making a swallowing motion while the entire length of his penis is deep in your throat. You’ll also be able to lick his balls while he’s in your throat.

If you’ve never been deep-throated, you’re probably wondering what it really feels like. Most men report that they feel a ‘pleasurable ring of tightness’ around the circumference of the penis just below the head with the most pleasurable sensation focused on the underside of the penis where the head joins the shaft. Remember: lubrication, extend tongue, flatten back of tongue, force throat muscles open, go slow and be patient!

While learning deep-throat, it’s better that the giver maintain the ‘superior’ position, i.e. where the giver controls the depth and frequency of penetration. After you’ve become very comfortable with taking a penis deep in your throat, you’ll be able to accept a more passive roll and let your partner control the depth. An excellent position for this is you lying on your back with your head hanging off the edge of the bed. Your partner will be able to put his penis in as deeply as he wishes in this position. This position provides an excellent view of your neck and throat for your partner. One of the most exciting visual aspects of deep-throat is your partner can watch your neck and throat expand and bulge as the penis slides in deep.

I’m doing pretty okay with Mr Defeu — I often take him all in during a blowjob, but it’s only for a short period of time, and then I go back to the patented “hands on the base, mouth working around the head” technique that he certainly doesn’t complain about (especially when I use the other hand to stroke his balls)!

But I have noticed that during the brief period that I deep throat him, he reeeeaaally likes it.

So methinks it’s time to practice this skill more!

I’ll do it on my own, but maybe after he reads this post, he’ll decide that this should become part of my training…?

If your head is tilted back, the saliva will run down your throat and interfere with your breathing – so you’ll have to take the dildo out and clear your mouth and throat from time to time. Try sliding the dildo in a little farther. By now you’ve probably got it to the point where you’ll start to gag. When you feel like you’re going to gag, try swallowing – this usually stops the gag reflex. If it doesn’t, pull out the dildo and relax. Be sure to concentrate on the feelings and physical reactions your body has when you trigger the gag reflex. You want to deliberately trigger your gag reflex so that you can learn what causes it, recognize it’s warning signs, and ultimately control it. The entire point to these exercises is for you to learn to recognize your body’s natural reactions. By recognizing them you can control them.

Yesterday as I was walking home from grocery shopping, I saw an elderly gent walking his fluffy white dog – a mutt that looked like the dubious product of a West Highland Terrier getting it on with a Briard.

However ridiculous the dog looked, it didn’t matter because it was one well-loved pooch, that was obvious. It was an elderly creature, like its master, but it was still frisking like a puppy, and the owner was interacting with it with delight and joy.

As they came up the street, they hit a cross street, and the master ordered the dog to, “Sit!” Instantly, the fluffy bundle of pure energy settled into an obedient bottom-down position (I would have said, “a neat posture,” but this is one of those dogs that looks shaggy and unkempt even as you collect him from the groomers). The owner looked both ways, and then, as no cars were in view on this lazy summer afternoon, he grinned at the animal and encouraged it to barrel across the street. It took off with glee, but when the owner thought it had gone far enough, one word turned all that furry dynamism around and he ran back to heel at his master’s leg. In another moment, with another command, the dog had shot off up the hill, with the owner following and laughing lovingly at the sheer enthusiasm of the critter.

Watching all this, I had a smile plastered across my own face. The dog and his master so obviously adored one another, and were completely focused on each other; it was a pleasure to even observe it.

This made me think of my own Master (“Of course,” you may say at this point, “What doesn’t make you think of your Master?!”) and about what I want our Master/slave relationship to be like.

I want it to be like that dog and his owner. I long to be trained to obey with such immediate response. I already focus on my Master with the same eagerness the dog showed for his master, but it needs to be honed and directed.

I think that with training, my Master and I could have that same kind of joy in each other as exemplified by that lucky beast and his adored human. We have moments, a goodly number of moments, with that kind of joy. But my mood swings can get in the way of it, and I can get caught up with thinking silly things, getting the wrong ideas about things, and until my Master can set me straight, that interferes as well.

I really think that training and discipline is the answer for those problems.

Which makes it very handy that darling kaya sent me a copy of Domestic Discipline by Jules Markham.

I’ve started reading it, and I have a lot of thoughts about it, which are best saved for their own post, but there are definitely some good and helpful ideas in this book, and I’m really grateful to kaya for sending it to me!