Zille Defeu’s Fetish Fantasies

I messed up this weekend. I left a camera in my Master’s car overnight. This is very serious, because his car has been broken into in our parking area before. It wasn’t our most expensive camera, but it’s one we are both quite fond of, and it has some pictures on the memory card that have not been copied to a computer and which we would have been sad to loose.

When my Master confronted me about this, I felt really badly about it. I apologized, explained that when we got out of the car that evening I was feeling quite crashed out, and then apologized again and said I understood the seriousness of my mistake.

Well, I now sort of wish that I had just said, “Yeah, whatever!” because he just forgave me and was understanding.

It’s hard for me to get my head around the fact that I don’t want my husband to be sweet and gentle and understanding. I want — and need — him to be a strict Master. He seemed to want that, too, when we got together. But now he seems quite happy lavishing me with love and understanding.

How can I complain about that?! But it doesn’t make me happy — I’ve had that from partners in vanilla relationships, and it didn’t fulfill me — didn’t make me a better person or partner.

Strictness does make me a better person and partner. Knowing I have to do things correctly, or I will be held accountable makes me infinitely better — makes me think before I do things (which always helps!) If I don’t fear a punishment, I will tend to slip back into thoughtless wandering through life (and then feeling bad when things go awry, which of course they will.)

I don’t want to pressure my Master to have to discipline me when he doesn’t feel like it. But my assumption, when I got into this relationship, was that he would, generally, want to do that sort of thing. That punishing me for misdeeds and mistakes was something he wanted and needed, and that he wanted a partner who needed to be punished for her misdeeds and mistakes.

I have finally figured out what I need from life and love. I need the strictness I didn’t get growing up, so that I can improve as a person and be someone you’d actually want to be in a relationship with. And more than that, it turns me on to be in that kind of relationship, to have someone wield that power over me, to be made to accept discipline, even when I feel I have a good excuse for my mess-up. So it’s something I want and need on more than one level, something that’s profoundly a part of all aspects of me, myself, and I.

I assume he is trying to be fair to me because of my chronic illness. But that’s exactly what I do not need. I got sick when I was 17, and basically, because I was so sick, I had a free pass on how I could behave — and I always had the excuse, “Oh, I was feeling really unwell when I said/did that.”

So I essentially stopped emotionally maturing at about 17. Obviously I’ve grown in a number of ways, but the fact that I have always had an excuse to get away with stuff has not been growth-promoting to my personality, or my understanding of responsiblity — i.e “owning my shit.”

What I need from my Master is for him to hold me accountable, even when I’m not feeling top-notch. I believe I can learn to be responsible even when I feel tired, sick, etc. And anyway, if I’m going to have this illness for the rest of my life, it certainly doesn’t hurt to try! But I can’t — and honestly won’t — learn how to do this on my own. It’s far too easy, when not feeling well, to slide back into excuses. When I am feeling well I can put true effort into self-improvement and becoming a mature, thoughtful person. But, like a kid, I need a firm hand on the reins when it’s not coming easy to me.

I understand that for a good, kind man like my Master, it might be hard to punish someone for mistakes they make when they are feeling unwell. But then I think that it will be hard for me to accept it, and yet I’m willing to try … so it makes me sad to think he might not be willing to try, too.

My Master has told me that he loves the power and control of being a Master, and that he would never want a vanilla relationship. And I have seen first hand how aroused he gets when he actually gets to punish me for a real transgressions (as opposed to role-play scenes).

So what I just don’t understand is why he doesn’t embrace my every slightest mistake as a chance to enjoy his power and control — perhaps not always beating me, but lecturing me, making me write lines or an essay on how I could do better next time, stand in the corner, etc.

I don’t understand, and honestly, it hurts me. I know I need to stop thinking that everything is about me … but in my confusion, it’s easy for doubts to rise up. Maybe I just don’t inspire him to want to discipline me? I can hear him say in my head, “No, it’s not that,” but I need to hear more than that, if it’s not that, I need to understand what it actually is, so that I can banish the doubts once and for all and it can stop being about me.

Until then, I can’t help but notice every time I mess up and he just shrugs it off. I can’t help but mourn the lost opportunity, can’t help but wonder, “if not this time, then when?”

And I can’t help but wonder if we had some terrible miscommunication somewhere. If, since things were going so well in the beginning, if when he said he wanted a slave he meant one thing, and when I said I wanted to be his slave I meant another, and if that can ever be fixed….

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