Zille Defeu’s Fetish Fantasies

My Master and I have been going through quite a lot, emotionally, these past few months. He’s not happy in his job at the moment, and what with my father not doing well and a number of other serious emotional things, it’s been very hard for us to manage even being a happy husband and wife, never-mind bring back kink into our relationship.

One of the reasons kink has been so scarce for us is that my Master has had serious concerns about being fair and reasonable. He’s been in some seriously cranky moods, for very good reasons, and he hasn’t wanted to take them out on me.

This would be all well-and-good, except that he hadn’t really expressed to me the extent of how miserable work was making him – he was trying not to bother me, to protect me from worrying information. Also it can’t be easy on him that I have depression – I can understand him not wanting to bring me down.

But the fact of the matter is that when the going gets tough, I can, as our dear Miss Maggie Mayhem says, “Pull on my Big Girl Panties.” And I need to know about what is happening in his life and mind and heart, because if I don’t, I can’t act properly on the information I’m lacking. Which can lead to a number of unpleasant results, like him resenting me for wanting things from him that he doesn’t have the energy to give, or him feeling bad that he can’t give me what I want (which I’m only asking of him because I don’t know better), and that guilt making the whole situation worse in a downward-spiral-y type of way.

Well, we’ve gotten though the worst of it. (I think and hope!) Now that I know what’s going on, I can give him the support he needs – or at least not ask stuff of him at bad times! As part of the healing process, we’ve been discussing getting back our disciplinary dynamic.

The main gist of our discussing (and discussing this stuff is very much fun, almost foreplay in its own right!) is that he is going to let go of his concerns about “fairness.” They were making him second-guess himself to the point that he never did anything, and to earn a punishment I had to basically “act out” in a very obvious way. Not particularly good for us!

Now, if I bother, annoy, or otherwise inconvenience him, something will be done about it. There is no excuse for feeling sick or tired or just having a sudden attack of stupidity. Another change is that our focus isn’t just “the paddle,” anymore. There will be a variety of levels of discipline and punishment.

It will probably look a bit like this: I do Thing X, which is something that both frustrates and hassles him. He tells me to stop it, possibly takes the time to go into detail as to why that behaviour is not okay. I do Thing X again. This time, the lecture is augmented by him making me take a spoonful of Cod Liver Oil. That stuff tastes vile enough to really impress things upon me. And it was given to me when I was very young, which adds a level of meaningfulness, emotional intensity to it.

It’s a good action because we have done something memorable, but which isn’t anything but good for me, but has also included me having to submit to him, which makes us both happy. And, best of all, if he was just being cranky and it really wasn’t my fault, he doesn’t have to feel bad about having punished me later, since no Zilles were harmed in the process! And I am happy because instead of snapping at me and then possibly staying annoyed with me for an extended period, I get the situation explained to me, and then an action is taken which assuages his annoyance and my guilt – punished and forgiven, we can move on.

I’m hoping he also looks into other moderate methods of chastising me. Writing lines is no good for my wrist, but writing an essay on why my behaviour was incorrect is not a bad idea, and the computer is set up for optimal wrist health. I also think being sent to my room is not a bad notion – I tend to flee to my room to go cry in self-pity, anyway, so if he sends me, I can go have my cry-out and work through my emotions, while he ascertains whether he is being “fair” or not. And then I can be called out to discuss things in a reasonable fashion, and either receive harsher discipline or not.

The “fairness” issue is, I think, kind of a red herring in this matter. When you were a kid, did you think your punishments were “fair”? And, no matter how good your parents were, isn’t there a good chance that you were chastised a little harshly once or twice when you’d tried their patience at just the wrong moment? And, to be honest, I’d really rather get strapped with the tawse on my palms (whether it’s fair or not) if it means that he’ll be happy and pleased with me for submitting to him afterwards, instead of him snapping at me for the rest of the day! My palms might be a bit sore, but both our days will be a lot smoother and more pleasant!

Going back to my example, let’s say some time has passed and, silly me, I’ve forgotten the taste of the Cod Liver Oil, and it’s relevance to Thing X. So I do Thing X again, possibly in a fit of pique. Well, it’s time for the paddle and no denying it. (Although I will deny it, of course!) That’s the third time, and I really ought to have learned the lesson after that, but if not, he knows ways to ramp things up and make a punishment really, um, educational.

With this new shaping of our lives, I think we both feel a good deal more comfortable. He can still be loving and caring, in Daddy-mode, but when his little girl needs some discipline, he can give it to her without jumping right to the paddle. And I have the safety of knowing I can mess up, and that it will be dealt with and after there will be hugs of forgiveness (possibly even sex), instead of building resentment.

It’s a work in progress, of course. If, in six months, things are worse, and our relationship is falling apart, we’ll stop and try something else. We can fine tune things as we go along – since we are making this relationship up, we can set whatever rules we like, and break them as necessary. (Or at least he can – I shouldn’t without talking to him first, or I’ll probably get a taste of that discipline!)

And – I’ve had my first punishment already. I’ll write about that tomorrow, and I have a rather hot scene to write about as well – we broke our first cane! (Happily, not one we were really attached to!)

Tweet this!

Related posts:

1. It’s the attention, stupid!*
2. Just one of *those* scenes… (Part Two)
3. Our first threesome
4. Just one of *those* scenes… (Part One)
5. The cane: no, really … tell me what you really think!

3 Responses to “New World Order”