Zille Defeu’s Fetish Fantasies

My Master is sleeping in the bedroom. I couldn’t sleep very much last night, so finally at some point this morning, I just gave up and came out to do some work. After my Master is up, and I’m at a good stopping place, I’m going back for a nap!

Work is icky, and there’s lots of it. It’s providing me with lots of stress.

Sadly, discipline and sex, my main sources of stress-relief, are not accessible to me right now. My Master and I have this malingering bug, and we have headaches and feel tired and miserable all the time. I’d still try to play, but then, as we all know, I’m a silly and sex-hungry lil’ slut, so of course I would! To make matters even worse, tomorrow he’s going away for the rest of the week.

Sunday, I was sorta hoping we’d have some “morning play.” In fact, I really expected it – on the basis of something he said, or just on my own intense desire, I don’t know. But when Sunday started up, and he went right to working on the server, I was very sad. I tried just doing stuff on my computer, but all I could think was, “Maybe, he’ll come out in a minute and order me to put on an outfit for his pleasure, like the black leotard and blue gym skirt….” He never did. By lunchtime, I was a very unhappy girl. I had worked up in my mind that he was loosing his attraction to me, that he just wasn’t interested in playing anymore because the newness had worn off, etc. In my defense, this did happen in my past two relationships, so I wasn’t just being drama-rific. Well, I was being a bit drama-y, because I wanted to play, and I wasn’t getting what I wanted, so something had to be “wrong,” right?

My “plan” for the day had been: since we were both not in finest form, we’d do an early scene, then I’d ride the post-scene high into cleaning the kitchen and bathroom top-to-bottom. Since the scene didn’t seem forthcoming, I decided, somewhat sullenly, to do the cleaning. I knew once I’d done all the cleaning that I’d really not be up for playing, so I went into the cleaning like it was a death sentence.

Anyway, I was washing the dishes when my Master came over to say he was going out to buy some more computer parts. That did it – I was crying about how we were never going to play again. He was very understanding, and gave me hugs and assured me that he was not “bloody likely” to get tired of playing with me, but he let me know that, until he was better, it just wasn’t going to happen.

Then, of course, I felt very guilty – I simply didn’t know he had felt so bad! I always announce the status of my misery, but he doesn’t do that – just suffers silently (well, he does get a bit grumpy…) so I never know how he is doing, really. Just the other day, I asked him how he was doing, and he said, “Okay.” But the tone of voice he used told me otherwise. “You’re not really okay, are you, Sir?” “Well, no, not really….”

Anyway, I begged him to in future let me know more accurately what is going on with him. Having knowledge generally counters my ability to go on flights of depressing fantasy – if I know he feels like crap, I won’t feel as bad about a “dry spell” than if he just tells me he’s “Okay,” but then scenes never happen.

(Yes, I have terrible lack of self-esteem. And I’m so lucky to have a Master who is willing to work with me on it!)

Afterwards, I still felt awfully guilty – I mean, there he was feeling all craptastic, and I was having stupid issues and not being understanding. What kind of slave behavior is that?! (A bad slave – one who gets no spankings, which is how it is anyway, so even if he is not upset with me, I still feel like I’m getting a real punishment) so I did a bang-up job of cleaning. The kitchen was actually sparkling. You can eat off the floors. Then, he’d picked up some groceries, so I made us a cheese omelet and salad for dinner. While I worked, I remonstrated with myself for being such a selfish little girl. Since I can’t show him how much I care about him with the usual methods, I’m going to throw all that extra energy into service – into caring for him and making him as happy and comfortable as possible.

Yesterday, I went to the gym (have to keep trim, for that far off day when playing might start up again!) and then did a bunch of work (icky stupid work. I’m so over the current project.) and then cooked Cashew Chicken Chili, from-scratch cornbread (buttermilk, stone-ground cornmeal, the works!), and a big salad full of ripe avocado. It was a huge success with him – so at least I was able to give him a good evening, and he said he was feeling a little better!

Tonight I’m going to get a short social call with , and then go hang out with the GSG to look at costume porn:

But first — Master’s just gotten up! Tea and toast for him, then work and nap for me!

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