Zille Defeu’s Fetish Fantasies

(The results of Friday night at Shadowlane. See below for how those marks got there!)

For me, Shadowlane is about friends. It is also about spanking, but I’m afraid my account of the best spanking party in the U.S. is simply not going to be as exciting as some of the bottoms who spend the party going from lap to lap.

Not that there is anything wrong with that, of course – they are just in a different place from me. Some of them may not have spanking in their lives all the rest of the time, and this is their big weekend to play and get in experiences to keep them going for another dreary year. Or some are eager newbies, wanting to taste every experience, and taste it now. Or some other equally valid explanation. Whatever, if you want a scene report that is just the non-stop spankathon that can be one’s Shadowlane experience, go sort through other blog posts here.

A friend asked me what I was into (I was burbling excitedly to him about rope bondage at the time) and I think it bears a little explanation, since I’m always considering it and having new realisations, myself.
As many of you know, I started in the dungeon. I got into BDSM in college, having been handed Pat Califia’s Macho Sluts by a girl I really wanted to sleep with. (I did eventually sleep with her. And do kinky things with her. And make porn with her. We had a very useful friendship!) I joined the “Younger Generation” BDSM group, and spent my time learning the best sort of candles to use for wax play, how to properly coil rope for rope bondage, how to season a single-tail so it cracks best, and how to wrap someone in saran wrap and then make convenient slits and slide ice cubes in and make them scream and squirm. (Okay, that last bit came naturally!)

The dungeon is really a useful place. To this day, I can show you how best to set me on fire (very temporarily!) for the prettiness and adrenalin rush of it. But what it did not do was help me find my way to my “core kink”, as it were. I took classes on everything – it was sort of assumed you wanted to learn everything, from where to hit on someone’s bum, to how to get a fist up there as well! And I, caught up in the thrill of kinky excitement, just went along for the marvellous ride.

I think people were supposed to find their “thing” along the way. But, for many years, I just bounced around, trying everything at least once, “Jacqueline of all trades, mistress of none.”

A funny thing that came out of that is that, for the longest time, I just decided I was “not a masochist“. Pain turned out to hurt, you see, and without the drive of a core kink, it just really didn’t seem worth it. I had nothing to help me through the pain of a beating, so I just avoided them. The pains of rope bondage had a reward (the attention you get as you are tied and untied, the admiration you get for holding a hard bondage position, and usually pictures of yourself looking hot and sexy in the ropes.

I had decided that I only liked “thuddy” pain. (I think this was a way to get only nice safe floggers used on me, or some such.) Amusingly, a professional dominatrix friend then told me that if I didn’t like stingy pain, I wouldn’t ever enjoy a caning. And I have to seriously thank her for that! Because it meant that Mr Defeu was the first person to cane me. And being able to have that “cherry” for him to pop meant so terribly much to both of us!

Now that Mr Defeu has come up, it’s really time to leave the dungeon for the headmaster’s office. Because when he handed me a stack of Januses (Janii?) – in between the first time he spanked me and our first date! – that’s when my core kink came suddenly, completely into focus.

It would have done years sooner, if I had just realized what a deep impression that the Victorian erotica (which I was reading at the tender and impressionable age of 17) had made upon me Re-reading The Pearl now, I see that basically I could play out scenes from that or other Victorian erotic masterpieces for the rest of my life and be completely sated and satisfied. Janus and Blushes just took many of those themes and sorta-modernized them (oh, up to the early ‘60s, I guess!), so when I started reading them, it was really a feeling of “Home, sweet home!”

Anyway, that’s enough of looking back, for now. Or at least, looking back that far, because now we come to looking back to Friday, and the SpankOlympics in the Northern Spanking Institute suite.

Well, first there was being a “booth babe” for Shadowlane themselves. I was dressed for the “dressage” event in the SpankOlympics, and I figured no one would mind if I wore that all evening. (And, no one did! Eve even quite enjoyed it!)

I loved my first real getting out and seeing people at this event happening with me “working.” No one tends to believe me, because I model and do a blog, but I’m actually really shy, and the Shadowlane party intimidates the hell out of me. I walk into the ballroom, and feel that I’ve forgotten the very basics of social interaction! (Nevermind the added layers of kinky social interaction!)

So, putting me to work is the best thing in the world. I can focus on a purpose (promoting my videos – of which I am extremely proud, and helping Tony and Eve – who I adore) and suddenly I remember how to talk and even maybe flirt a bit.

There was one moment which threw me. A guy came up and said hello, and asked about my films. After I showed them to him, he said, “You don’t look like you belong here.”

What does one do with that? “Well, I do,” I replied, smiling and hoping that answer would either suffice or bring an explanation.

“I mean, you don’t look like you’re into spanking.”

“Um. Well, I really am.”

“You look like you belong in a boardroom or something.”

Well, that didn’t fully make sense to me, but I could at least come up with an answer: “Well, you know, lots of high powered people in boardrooms need to go to dominatrixes, you know. It relieves their stress, from being in positions of pressure and constant authority.”

He seemed to get that, and he moved on. I wonder now if he was a bottom, and when he saw me he thought I was a top, and when I showed him my films (in which I mostly bottom, except for some fun power-struggles with Clare Fonda) he was just confused as hell. (And possibly disappointed, because I would obviously not be wanting to beat his behind all red and black and blue.)

An equestrienne outfit can work for either side of the top/bottom divide. If you’re looking for one thing, you may not be able to see the other possibility.

But now, as promised, we get to the SpankOlympics, sponsored by your friends (except for Steven Lewis, “The Most Evil Man on The Internet”) Northern Spanking Institute.

Sadly, I didn’t keep the line-up of the events in which contestants competed. They included sprinting, dressage, “shooting”, relay, synchronised spanking, tennis and more. I competed in dressage and “shooting” (which was a play on the target aspect of it – judging how closely together were the marks from six-of-the-best from the cane) with Paul Kennedy from NSI. (Mr Defeu was a judge.)

Dressage was the first event for us. The rules were that we had to use three implements in three different positions, and we would be judged on that and also our clean transitions between positions.

I was keen to go for the gold, so, since we could choose the amount of whacks per position/implement, we went for six each – a good classic number!

I only medalled silver. I’m still peeved about that, actually! Mine wasn’t an utterly perfect performance (I accidentally did the second position I’d planned first, which left the second position less exciting than had been originally planned – but they were done in a very smooth transition nonetheless, and the transition to the third position, and that position itself – standing on a low chair, hands on the ground! – was perfect, and got a gasp of appreciation from the audience!) but I still think I deserved gold, since our transitions were excellent, the actual uses of implements (three versions of the riding crop) were perfect, our positions at least as good as any others – and I was wearing an equestrienne outfit and no one else was! However, in this past Olympics, Zara Phillips only medalled silver, so I’m not in bad company!

Our second event was “shooting.” This required that I take down my jodhpurs, so that the cane marks could be registered on my skin. I had worn a golden lace thong (for luck, as well as general aesthetics) and when the jodhs were lowered, I got my second gasp of appreciation – which made the next six gasps (All from me! Paul knows how to dish out “of-the-bests” very well, of course!) much more bearable, because there is nothing like a roomful of people appreciating your knickers to put you in a happy haze that can help get you through pain!

So now we are at a place to explain the image at the top of this post, which feels ages ago! And yet, much more to write about…!

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