smack on the botty
May 19th, 2009 | Author: Zille
From All Things Spanking comes a link to Rowan Pelling’s sex advice column in the Daily Mail: ‘My lover wants to spank me but I think it’s too silly for words‘. The fabulous thing is how sex-positive the response is (with a disappointing end, sadly, below)…
QUESTION: I have been going out with my boyfriend for five months and we have a really good time together, both in and out of the bedroom, except for one thing – he keeps asking if he can spank me. I find the whole idea a bit ridiculous and a turn-off. What should I do?
Can I just break in to say I think the guy should break it off with the girl right now … who won’t try a bit of spanky-bot-bot for someone they are really into?! And, this is what all spankos dread: feeling secure enough to share their desires, and then being mocked and belittled for their pains!
ROWAN SAYS: There’s a good reason why the French dubbed chastisement le vice anglais; quite a few Brits do seem to harbour an erotic attachment to the notion of corporal punishment.
When the psychotherapist Brett Kahr published the results of his British Sexual Fantasy Research Project in 2007, he found that around 18per cent of British men and 7per cent of British women fantasise about spanking someone, while 11 per cent of men and 13 per cent of women fantasise about being spanked (in some cases, clearly, spankers and spankees will overlap).Kahr wrote that if these statistics were applied to the whole population, you could estimate that between five million and 11 million British adults are keen on spanking in the boudoir. When I edited The Erotic Review magazine, I was amazed at the prevalence of chastisement fantasies – particularly among older male readers.
I remember one septuagenarian writing in and asking ‘to see more pictures of lovely, red rumps being spanked by a paddle in your august publication’. But the fantasy was by no means confined to the oldies: a twentysomething convent-educated Erotic Review writer used to pop out in her lunch hour dressed as a schoolgirl for one of her boyfriends, who liked to bend her over his knee.
And a number of the magazine’s small ads offered, for example: ‘Correction from stern governess who likes to issue lines.’ Many prominent figures in British life have been outed as CP (corporal punishment) fans, such as Kenneth Tynan, John Mortimer and Frank Bough.
One of Mortimer’s former lovers, Molly Parkin, told the barrister’s biographer, Graham Lord: ‘When it came to love-making, what he most liked me to do was to smack him on the botty.’
Considering the relative normality of the fantasy, and the fact a number of women share it, I think it would be harsh if you branded your boyfriend some kind of S&M freak for even suggesting the notion. In my experience, it’s a harmless impulse and few spankers progress to whips and dungeons.
There are sound physiological reasons why spanking enthusiasts find the practice arousing. Devotees will tell you that spanking helps bring better blood circulation to the rump and thus stimulates sensitive areas. A proficient spanker will vary pace and pressure to ascertain what their lover finds most erotic.
The problem, it seems to me, is that spanking is one of those practices that should appeal to the psyche as much as the body. And if you don’t naturally entertain submissive fantasies the scenario can swiftly become as ridiculous as a Benny Hill sketch.
If spanking is not your own pet fantasy, it’s hard to fake the kind of faux-naive persona that willingly bends over a knee to be told: ‘You’ve been a bad, bad girl!’ I once had a boyfriend (yes, former public school) who wanted to smack me with a hairbrush and I am afraid I laughed so much that he had to abandon the attempt. I didn’t want to pretend to be 13 when I was actually 23.
Fortunately, sophisticated erotic boutiques, such as Coco de Mer and Agent Provocateur (both of which have excellent websites), have proved brilliantly adept at marketing feminine spanking accoutrements.
There’s not a whiff of Carry On film about Agent Provocateur’s silk blindfolds, nor Coco de Mer’s beautifully decorated spanking paddles – the latter come with helpful ’serving suggestions’, telling the wielder to make sure they avoid the area near the kidneys and to apply them ‘to the lower, fleshy part of the bottom to excite the erogenous zones’.
Everything was good (really good!) with the reply until the last few paragraphs…
I think many women would prefer to imagine themselves in a luxurious courtesan-style scenario than play-acting the ’schoolgirl and stern headmaster’ drama so beloved of male fantasy.
Having said all the above, you certainly have every right to tell your boyfriend that spanking simply doesn’t push your buttons and you don’t wish to experiment. If your sex life is satisfactory without spanking, there seems no good reason why it should not continue to be so.
Nobody should have to do anything in bed that makes them feel uncomfortable. Perhaps you could explore other role-playing fantasies and find one better suited to your mutual erotic satisfaction.
If your reluctance proves to be a relationship deal-breaker, it seems likely your boyfriend harbours much deeper-rooted sadomasochistic fantasies than he dares admit to. Far better you discover this now than later.
Seriously, I think lots and lots of women like to play the schoolgirl — they just might not admit it in poles! I’d rather be a schoolgirl with a strict headmaster than a courtesan any day! Let’s see: one is an innocent victim of circumstances, the other a whore! Is Rowan saying women would rather play the latter?! Not that I have anything wrong with sex workers at any stage of the game, from street walkers to fancy-pants courtesans — it would be a bit hypocritical if I did! And being a courtesan does indeed also have worth as a fantasy. I’ve always wanted to meet a lover at a hotel room and pretend I’m a girl who’s been called in for the evening — or hour! And there are some spanko possibilities for that roleplay: imagine a girl who’s been caught skimming off the top of the money left on the bedstand, and the angry Madam or Pander who needs to show her her place….
But I’ve distracted myself. While I agree that the girl has every right to say if spanking just ain’t her cuppa tea, if the boyfriend considers it a deal-breaker that doesn’t mean he “harbours much deeper-rooted sadomasochistic fantasies than he dares admit to” — seems to me he’s admitting things just fine! And he might be turned on more by the role-play aspect of it, or the D/s aspect, not just the SM one!
I do agree it’s better to find these things out sooner, rather than later, though! And I hope this girl comes to realize that her letter was the silly thing in this matter — or that the boyfriend moves on and finds a more fun, open-minded girlfriend!
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There are a few things in the response I take issue with but I think it overall did a lot to normalize the desire and the fetish. I’m still disappointed by:
“I think it would be harsh if you branded your boyfriend some kind of S&M freak for even suggesting the notion. In my experience, it’s a harmless impulse and few spankers progress to whips and dungeons.”
Why do these columnists always feel the need to excuse one kink at the expense of some other kind of kink? I wish she’d said:
“I think it would be harsh if you branded your boyfriend some kind of freak for even suggesting the notion. In my experience, it’s a harmless impulse. It’s also important to note that degrees of fetish vary: if you are getting visions of whips and dungeons and that upsets you, don’t worry. While spanking is included under the larger BDSM unbrella, one kink does not automatically lead to another. Many spankers are more than content to let it all begin and end with spanking.”
I think it’s good that she validated that spanking can seem very silly–even to those who are into it. It’s something that can be worked through and around, by tweaking the scenario, as she suggested, or by treating it in a light-hearted manner where fits of giggles are okay and can even be worked into the role-play.
I agree that no one should have to do anything that makes them uncomfortable, but a little awkwardness and social conditioning shouldn’t keep anyone from trying something new now and then, especially if it’s important to their partner. I’m a big fan of Dan Savage’s “Good, Giving, Game” philosophy. In his own words: “what we should all strive to be for our sex partners. Think ‘good in bed,’ ‘giving equal time and equal pleasure,’ and ‘game for anything—within reason.’”
Zille, a good post, it does seem hard that many see spanker’s as whip wielding psycho’s.
I do believe that the percentages are higher than quoted, though this may be wishful thinking.
Hopefully attitudes are changing, though much slower over here than in SF.
Love and warm hugs,
Paul.
Caroline — Um, can you just take over my blog, please? You make the most lucid, well-reasoned points!
(I’ve always adored Dan Savage. There was this one column where a kinky gay guy wrote in to ask if it was okay to want to piss in his boyfriend’s ass, and Dan was like, “Well, who doesn’t?!” I can’t find that one online, damnit!)
Paul — I don’t think you can ever really trust polls. Attitudes are changing in the US and UK, but slowly. (They aren’t really changing in SF, as there isn’t much change needed in a place that has the Folsom Street Fair!)
Ha, I read this column and thought the exact same things, Zille! You (and Caroline) make excellent points. Like, on what basis does she decide that “most women” would find spanking sexier as courtesans? “Oh, my courtesan… I shall spank you now…” I dunno, to me that’s a trifle sillier than a strict headmaster dealing with a schoolgirl : )
And the “SM freak” stuff is disheartening. At one point does one become an S&M freak, anyway? Maybe she could helpfully provide a chart of Normal v. Not-Normal sexual fetishes.
…but, there are good points too, so yay for those. And yay squared for Dan Savage, who rules.
Graham — Thank you! You’re just right about the “Oh, my courtesan… I shall spank you now…” — silly by virtue of being far less likely (historically or otherwise)!
I think one becomes an “SM freak” the minute you dress in black leather or latex (or another shiny material) and go to a dungeon. Having handcuffs or a silk scarf in the bed-stand is not enough — “Everyone does that stuff, of course!” — but I think that kinky outfits definitely a freak doth make! (Nevermind that guys love to see their supposedly vanilla women dressed up in those silly santa lingerie sets
at Christmas, and stockings and teddies and thongs — I know how you feel about the thong! — and in other sexy outfits: naughty nurse
, cop
, Heidi in a dirndl
— and what was it … oh yes, as a schoolgirl
!)
So umm, hmmm, I guess one is only an “SM freak” if a “normal” tells you you are…!