I think one becomes an “SM freak” the minute you dress in black leather or latex (or another shiny material) and go to a dungeon. Having handcuffs or a silk scarf in the bed-stand is not enough — “Everyone does that stuff, of course!” — but I think that kinky outfits definitely a freak doth make! (Nevermind that guys love to see their supposedly vanilla women dressed up in those silly santa lingerie sets at Christmas, and stockings and teddies and thongs — I know how you feel about the thong! — and in other sexy outfits: naughty nurse, cop, Heidi in a dirndl — and what was it … oh yes, as a schoolgirl!)

So umm, hmmm, I guess one is only an “SM freak” if a “normal” tells you you are…!

And the “SM freak” stuff is disheartening. At one point does one become an S&M freak, anyway? Maybe she could helpfully provide a chart of Normal v. Not-Normal sexual fetishes.

…but, there are good points too, so yay for those. And yay squared for Dan Savage, who rules.

(I’ve always adored Dan Savage. There was this one column where a kinky gay guy wrote in to ask if it was okay to want to piss in his boyfriend’s ass, and Dan was like, “Well, who doesn’t?!” I can’t find that one online, damnit!)

Paul — I don’t think you can ever really trust polls. Attitudes are changing in the US and UK, but slowly. (They aren’t really changing in SF, as there isn’t much change needed in a place that has the Folsom Street Fair!)

“I think it would be harsh if you branded your boyfriend some kind of S&M freak for even suggesting the notion. In my experience, it’s a harmless impulse and few spankers progress to whips and dungeons.”

Why do these columnists always feel the need to excuse one kink at the expense of some other kind of kink? I wish she’d said:

“I think it would be harsh if you branded your boyfriend some kind of freak for even suggesting the notion. In my experience, it’s a harmless impulse. It’s also important to note that degrees of fetish vary: if you are getting visions of whips and dungeons and that upsets you, don’t worry. While spanking is included under the larger BDSM unbrella, one kink does not automatically lead to another. Many spankers are more than content to let it all begin and end with spanking.”

I think it’s good that she validated that spanking can seem very silly–even to those who are into it. It’s something that can be worked through and around, by tweaking the scenario, as she suggested, or by treating it in a light-hearted manner where fits of giggles are okay and can even be worked into the role-play.

I agree that no one should have to do anything that makes them uncomfortable, but a little awkwardness and social conditioning shouldn’t keep anyone from trying something new now and then, especially if it’s important to their partner. I’m a big fan of Dan Savage’s “Good, Giving, Game” philosophy. In his own words: “what we should all strive to be for our sex partners. Think ‘good in bed,’ ‘giving equal time and equal pleasure,’ and ‘game for anything—within reason.’”