Zille Defeu’s Fetish Fantasies

I spend a certain amount of time (more than I should, most likely!) over on FetLife. I often want to link to some of those Fetlife conversations over in this blog, as they can become quite fascinating (or sometimes quite amusing, when someone says something stupid) however, since one can only read the discussions if one is a member, that doesn’t entirely work.

Anyway, there’s a couple recent discussions I thought I’d share. The first is from a forum I started, called (unsurprisingly!) “Spanked Schoolgirls.” A member posted the following question:

I often wonder if people who love to be spanked/spank can be classed as BDSM folk. I’m mainly into HOH and DD and although I love roleplay and anything to do with the schoolgirl theme, does this constitute being into BDSM ? What do you think?

My response:

Basically, the answer is: “It’s entirely up to you!”

I am into BDSM, therefore, I have no trouble putting spanking under that catagory. When I first got into BDSM, I just assumed that it was….

How wrong I was! There are the spankos, the DD/HOH people, and probably others as well, who get VERY OFFENDED if you tell them they are into BDSM. And so I don’t. And they get along very happily telling themselves they are different from those nasty BDSM perverts.

The nasty BDSM perverts that I know, however, all love spanking and schoolgirl roleplay, and all have done it and many do it as a regular staple of play. They just enjoy other activities as well; such as bondage, dripping wax on people, wearing collars, and making people wear ouchie nipple clamps! (For a small seclection of examples!)

So you are only into BDSM if you say you are into BDSM. If you don’t want to be lumped in with the leather folk, you don’t have to be! You can be with the “we are only into spanking, which is just good clean fun” folks, or you can be with the DD/HOH folks — or, like me, you can try to live in all those worlds … although that means a certain number of spankos and DD people don’t really accept you.

Happily, the nasty BDSM perverts welcome pretty much every stripe of kinky person with open arms!

In another forum, I found this question (all typos are “sic”):

Transitioning from Daddys Girl to Submissive Girl

Ive been a daddys girl type for forvever. Ive recently started exploring D/s with a very experienced Dom. We are soon to have our first actual “play session” and i have a question/concern that id like to pose to the group here. Any feedback would be most appreciated- thanks in advance!

Here goes: As a daddys girl, im definitely somewhat submissive, but lets face it– daddys girls top from the bottom when necessary and pretty much direct, produce and guest star in the scene. Becoming a submissive to a true Dom type is going to be a major culture shock to the little girl in me, but its something im craving and fantasizing about like crazy! What happens, though, if the little girl in me protests during a scene? The little girl in me is still there, she hasnt disapeared just because im exploring D/s. Im afraid of turning off my Dom or having Him think im being disrespectful or difficult, and punish me even harder. Ive never really been cropped or caned or flogged; the hardest ive ever been punished is a really hard paddling with a ping pong paddle. ive been made to cry and sob very hard, of course, but always cuddled and coddled and snuggled shortly thereafter with daddys soothing voice and words and loving reassurances and apologies tha he had to do this. D/s scenes, of course, are quite different. The adult me is fascinated by the possibilities. I worry, though, about the little girl part of me. Ive never known the lash/bite of a cane or a flogger or the crop. Ive never experienced that type of pain. i worry about freaking out the little girl in me, who i feel already is a little nervous about all this.

I guess im asking: how can i make this transition as painless (not intended to be a pun) as possible? Beside the obvious of speaking with my Dom about this, does anybody have any advice/ideas? Are there any other Daddy Girls on this group who have transitioned?

My response:

I’ve very much had experience with this. In my first BDSM relationship, I was supposedly the bottom, but I was a Daddy’s girl and I really topped from the bottom the whole time. I thought I was happy, but there was a part of me that was really unsatisfied.

After I met my current Master, and became his slave, I started down the sometimes very hard road (not just physically painful, but often confusing and emotionally painful) of becoming a honest-to-Master, real submissive, who is NOT in charge of running the show.

It wasn’t easy — it was a sea change. I messed up a lot — and continue not to be perfect at it!

But the first step (and I don’t know how far you want to go down this road, but I think this is the first step for anyone) is to decide whether you honestly want to give up control (for however long) to another person. Because if you don’t, that scene is going to be just frustrating and upsetting for both of you.

But if you do want to learn to give up control, then talk to your Dom and tell him all of your concerns … and then leave it in his hands. If he is as experienced as you say, he will know how to handle you, know how to push you just over your limits but not too far.

Submission is about “letting go” the need and desire to control things, from the big things to the little things. You have to hold your mind open and accept what is happening, as opposed to planning what will happen.

Submission fantasies are great … but you must realize that they are your fantasies, in your head, and you are still in charge, even as you fantasize you are not, because in your fantasy, the Dom does everything that you want, just the way you like best.

But, for being submissive in real life, well, it’s not going to be like that. Obviously you look for a Dom who has similar interests to yours, and sometimes during a scene, things will just flow like the fantasy really is the one from your imagination.

But when it doesn’t, that is the real test of your submission. Can you let go, and do what your Dom wants even though it is not what you’d like to be doing at this moment, even though you cannot see the point of it, or you find it boring, or too hard?

Or do you need to keep some control?

There is nothing wrong with the latter — you are not some inferior person if you can’t be the world’s most yielding submissive — there is no scale like that. But you have to know and accept who you are.

There is nothing wrong with trying a scene as a submissive, and finding out it’s not to your taste. Just express all your concerns to your Dom, go give it a 100% effort — and if you love it, great, and if not, well, you learned something about yourself.

Good luck, and I hope you have a great time!

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