Zille Defeu’s Fetish Fantasies

Posts Tagged ‘BDSM’

Here is an excellent article which I think anyone who does kinky play (or is looking into getting into that sort of thing) must read, contemplate, and discuss with play partners and anyone who will hold still for the discussion.

The BDSM scene can get a bit too caught up in trying to codify the “rules” of kinky play. Since we are all playing different games at different levels of intensity, this ranges from silly to stupid in results, although of course one understands the desire to have one set of stable and unchanging rules — doing kinky stuff is playing with fire, and people want to figure out how to make that as safe and rewarding as possible. Sadly, making people jump through hoops of rules they may or may not want or need can take away the “rewarding” part, and can sabotage the “safe” by people rebelling and saying that “Safe, sane, and consensual” is utter bollocks. Hell, even I am more likely to call myself “Risk aware consensual,” because the SSC people have become so weirdly puritanical.

On the other hand, at least the BDSM scene is trying to do something to address the issues (issues like sub-drop, in this case). From experiencing the spanko world over the past couple years, I can say with certainty that some spankos are so insistent that what they do has nothing to do with anything that remotely involves BDSM, that they “cut off their nose to spite their face,” ignoring the good possibilities and examples that comes from the organized BDSM community. Safewords have their place, for example, in the spanko world. But people have to remember that safewords are not a perfect band-aid for every situation. I guess safewords are a bit like condoms: they are good tools to making play safer, but they do not take away all risk, and they don’t protect against a number of ways that diseases can be transmitted (and they can break!) and so an attitude that they makes things 100% safe is stupid and can have regrettable results. (And of course, some couples don’t want or need to use condoms, and forcing them to do so is really imposing your agenda on someone else.)

So, not everyone needs or wants after-care. But the fact that post-play “fallout” happens needs to be recognized and acknowledged, and people need to either offer some remedy for it or make it clear that they don’t offer anything for it, before play happens between new partners. It could be as simple as asking, “Do you have someone whom can lean on if you feel down after this scene?” Here, I’ll use the metaphor of fire again: you don’t just start a fire in a forest without doing some basic forest-fire-prevention steps, and you clean up after yourself.

I don’t care if you want to believe you’re not kinky and that spanking is entirely unrelated to the BDSM and fetish worlds. Fine — if that’s what you need to accept your desires and live a fulfilling life, go for it. But you still have to be responsible and treat the people with whom you do-whatever-it-is-that-you-do with respect and consideration. And that’s what things like safewords and after-care really are, under the terminology: care, consideration, respect, and responsibility.

Okay, I’m backing away from the soapbox! Back to your fun, everyone, because just because you need to be an adult about the broader aspects of this doesn’t mean you can’t savour it like a kid!

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Kink.com has a new project — The Upper Floor: kinky reality porn, “an Edwardian Great House where servants are sexually disciplined” — that might generally be a little too BDSM-y for dedicated spankos, but which does involve discipline and lots of caning, which I think most of us can get behind! (As it were!)

Here are some of the offerings. Their offered text to use for promo is so amusing that I will use some for captions…

The House Demands Obedience

Raise a Glass to a Household Full of Obedient Ass

A Household Where the Privileged Stand Tall & the Slaves are Always on Their Knees

The thing that makes The Upper Floor a bit different from other sites is that they have exotic parties and multiple weekly shows that are streamed live. And once they are over, they are available to watch any time. And I have a number of friends who are showing up there, which probably doesn’t mean much to you, but it’s fun for me to say, “Oh look, there’s Maggie!” as I watch the broadcasts.

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There’s been memes going around the blogs like the annual winter flu is going around me and all my friends.

None have really excited me that much, but Graham has fixed that! Here is her meme. I’ve caught Graham fever — you can too!

1. Tell us your Kinsey rating! (That is, where you fall, approximately, on the spectrum of sexuality, with zero being “only attracted to members of the opposite sex” and six being “only attracted to members of the same sex.” Follow the link for the full breakdown.)

I’m a “3” but in interesting ways. When it comes to masturbating, most of my fantasies involve a male (or at least masculine) – but in real life, I’m far more comfortable with women. I have some male spanko friends I trust, but they go through a very fine filter. But I’ll make out with or plunk myself over the lap of … well, I shouldn’t say, “most women,” but my social sieve is rather less selective! Or perhaps women are all just “finer”!

2. Spanking / BDSM “type” that suits you best (switch, top, masochist, grand-master-wizard, etc.):

Mostly-bottom-switch. I get the most from receiving the spanking … but sometimes even I must admit that there are times when there is nothing better than warming up someone’s bottom!

3. Favorite blog / site of the moment (kinky/spanking-themed):

I’ll say Pandora, because I’ve been engaging in mutual stalking with her….

4. Favorite non-kinky blog / site of the moment:
http://www.theregister.co.uk/

5. Latest spanking fantasy floating in your head:

My fantasies get more and more extreme … until they reset to a simple one of being put over Daddy’s lap for a spanking. The default reset is non-sexual, but then the sex worms its way in … first Daddy puts a finger in my bottom while lecturing me on my bad behaviour (as Graham says, don’t ask where this stuff comes from!) … and next thing you know, I’ve worked up to being kidnapped by slave traders and “broken in.”

6. Blogger you’d like to spank / be spanked by:

As Graham is responsible for this meme, I think it only fair she pay for it by getting over my lap! But that’s for when we both are actually in spanking-distance of each other! I think the most likely blogger I’ll be spanking or spanked by soon is Mystery Minx!

7. Age when you lost your (consensual, adult) spanking virginity — if this has yet to happen, give us a prediction or goal!

This is hard! I did some “rough sex” and roleplay in senior year of high school, and freshman year of college my open-minded boyfriend spanked me (he wasn’t really into it, but thought leaving red hand-prints was really fun!) and then my first BDSM scene was later, junior year of college. But I can’t say I was spanked by a proper spanko until I met my Master!

8. Favorite literary reference (excluding spanking stories!):

I find Heinlein answers for both spanking and non-spanking!

“I am free, no matter what rules surround me. If I find them tolerable, I tolerate them; if I find them too obnoxious, I break them. I am free because I know that I alone am morally responsible for everything I do.”

For Heinlein on spanking, SpankingBlog has my favourite spanking scene in Heinlein.

9. Strangest limit:

Cold water. I’d rather boiling pitch be poured on me!

10. Some Random Vanilla Trivia, in the grand tradition of memehood… Like, “what are you listening to right now,” or “what’s your favorite fruit,” or anything similarly banal.

“Leeds United” by Amanda Palmer. And any fruit except kiwi fruit, which I think is icky!

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Kink.com has done us gals an invaluable service. They are making a series of “How to give a blow job” videos.

Of course, they have also done a favour for anyone who likes looking at girls giving blowjobs. Especially girls as delicious as Bobbi Starr, upon whom I now have a tremendous crush…

I mean, hello? Phwoar!

Well, that’s just a perfect body, huh?

I looked for a view of her bottom getting caned, as I know you lot, and that’s what you want to see! (Never mind that’s also what I like to see it…!)

[See Bobbi Star get caned on Kink On Demand]

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Graham has just posted a though-provoking post, which concludes:

Anyway. I’d be interested to know how you feel about submission v. masochism – do you identify more as one or the other, or both? Does it change depending on the week, day, scene? Are you so label-transcending and over this shit that you don’t even think about it anymore?

Well, Graham, I am both, obviously.

I would point out that submission can be explored just as well in roleplay scenes (or other limited time-period options) as well as 24/7 “Serve my Master’s Needs all day and night” situations … and for someone starting their explorations, the former is much, much better than the latter!

This is not the only aspect of submission. From: TheTrainingOfO.com

There is some confusion about “submission,” which I blame on the BDSM folk’s propensity to put forth an “I am more of a ‘bottomless pit’ than thou” attitude. It’s like there is some competition between subs about who can take more pain, who can be more submissive, who is willing to give up more of their life for their D/s dynamic. It’s horrid, and it really messes with the heads of the people who are new to the scene and trying to find themselves a place within it. (Speaking from experience, here!)

The confusion about submission comes in when people assume it has to be this full-on thing. But the fact of the matter is that if you bend over for a caning or some whacks from a hair-brush, you are in that moment being submissive (regardless of whether you are a masochist, and indeed, if you are not a masochist, you are being even more submissive in that moment!) Only if every spanking you get involves you being tied down so tight you can’t move, after being “taken down” because you were unwilling to stand still for being tied up, does a spanking not include some greater or lesser amount of submission.

That doesn’t make you a submissive. There’s times throughout any vanilla day when you are compliant, acquiescent, or just passive, and those are all synonyms for “submissive” – and that doesn’t make you a submissive either. As any dog could tell you – there are times when it’s just a plain good idea to roll on your back and expose your tummy and wag your tail.

So playing around with submission is no big deal, and to some extent it is in most spanking scenes, regardless of whether you admit (or recognize it) it or not. You can take it up to another level by talking about it, and adding more of that dynamic, but being conscious of it and playing with it don’t mean it’s suddenly an ingredient that wasn’t in the recipe before – you’re just changing it up from a tablespoon to three Tbs., and maybe using grated fresh submission instead of dried powdered submission.

To address the other part of the question, my Master* and I started out with a very D/s dynamic, partially because that’s what I knew (coming from that world and not the Spanko one), and he was excited about playing with that dynamic.

Over time that has evolved, and I’d say we are now more Daddy/girl, or more like the domestic discipline people (although we don’t have a lot of things in common with them, otherwise!) but my submission has not changed in a number of ways: I try to serve him in such a way that it makes his life better (this involves making a lot of tea for him – not a very difficult charge!) and I accept his discipline.

I don’t shift in my submissive level as regards my Master very much. I can get in a shirty mood and be less considerate and obliging (and refuse to follow rules) but that is not a shift in personality as much as it is me being a spoiled half-child half-adult who needs some discipline! (As regards other people, I am not particularly submissive at all — I’m a take-charge kinda gal! A favourite saying from the BDSM world: “I’m submissive — but I’m not your submissive!”)

So I would say that most people’s labels/definitions don’t fit us very well, although saying that he is dominant and I am submissive gets a certain amount of information across most effectively, and our unique variations can be discussed in the depth they deserve, if the person actually wants to hear all about it!

*I capitalize “Master” because to me it’s a proper noun and thus should take a capital. No one else has to call him “Master,” and if they want to say, “Your master is a wonderful and fabulous man,” they don’t need to capitalize the M-word. But the whole D/s capitalization thang is an aspect of the “kinkier than thou” problem, and thus deserves to be disregarded as juvenile and ridiculous. No, I ain’t mincing words on this matter!

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