Zille Defeu’s Fetish Fantasies

Posts Tagged ‘books’

Hey all my lovely readers!

I’m afraid this week I’m pretty much entirely going to be hijacked by my new job (it will get better, soon, but at the moment there’s too much to do, and they want some results to poke at, which I totally understand) so I will be on the computer, but not so much up here. I’m not even really on my twitter, although it is sometimes easier to send out 140 characters while I’m stuck in public transportation and have some time to kill!

In the meantime, I have a task for you lot. Kaya just posted a questionnaire on her blog, and since I like her lots, I took the time to respond. One is supposed to repost such things on their own blog, but this meme isn’t exactly kink-related so I didn’t want to take up too much room with it over here.

However, some of you like it when I expose intimate details about myself (although I think the ones of you who don’t post replies tend to prefer those details in picture form…) so I’ll put the questions and my own responses under the cut.

Your job is to reply to either my kink-related question, or the meme, or both! (I’ll be happy with any results!)

The question is: What experience/revelation led you to figure out you were into spanking, etc?

Here’s the meme: Read the rest of this entry »

For the past week, my life has been eclipsed by the book I am reading — not really reading, but devouring, really! Maia, by Richard Adams, is a thick and dense fantasy novel, which seems to inspire either unmitigated praise or loathing from its readers. The ones who like it compare it to The Lord of the Rings in scope, and the ones who don’t, well, they cast it down to corresponding depths, I assure you!

I personally am loving it, although I don’t think that you should compare every well-fleshed-out fantasy novel to LOTR (and indeed, comparing these two would be serious apples and oranges), although I have by now figured out that I will happily enjoy all sorts of fantasy and science fiction novels at which lots of other people sniff down their noses — and I’m fine with that, as I just get another book to enjoy.

I can’t complain about its length, because I love long novels, since they let me enter another world and stay there for a long time. (Can you tell I do escapist reading?!) And I can’t really complain about anything else I’ve seen derided online about this book; one thing that seems to drive feminist-sorts mad is that the main character, Maia obviously, is pretty flawed. If you don’t read the story closely, you’ll think she’s sorta stupid (very little intellectual curiosity, and not much imagination) — that’s what gets the feminazis up in arms. But since I know at least a couple people who demonstrate exactly the same flaws as Maia, it just makes it all very real and believable to me (and at least she is still a likeable character, unlike Harry Potter, who towards the end of that series I just wanted to smack so he’d stop whinging!) And, what is really great is that Maia grows and changes through the book, learning from her experiences — and that’s really cool to see in a fantasy story. Anyway, I thought having a flawed hero was actually a mark of better writing than having a perfect, one-dimensional character? But what I do I know?

Well, I do know one thing: Richard Adams is a right old pervert! As far as I can tell, he has only written this story so that he’ll have an excuse to think up all sorts of scenarios for slave girls to get caught in shocking situations, with varying amounts of sex and perversion. Most of the main characters are either seriously into BDSM (and “safe, sane, and consensual” don’t enter into it!) or are simply generally very horny people who want to, and do, have sex all the time.

Take poor Maia, f’r'instance. She starts simply as an innocent 15 year old (the very start of the first chapter spends pages lavishing a description of her naked young body) who happily starts fucking her step-father. Yes, really. Unsurprisingly, her mother doesn’t take too well to this, and so she calls in the slave-traders to take Maia away. How could this story really become more than a sexy romp of a novel, I ask you?! Kushiel’s Dart, so infamous as a BDSM erotic novel, has less kinky sex in it!

The best parts, for me, are the spanking-related ones. Maia, after some adventures, gets bought by the obscenely dissolute Sencho. Once in his household, the real fun begins:

The punishment referred to by Terebinthia and Occula as ‘whipping’ was in actuality or never inflicted with a whip, for the bodies of the slave girls of the quality owned by the High Counsellor were far too valuable to be scarred or lacerated. Terebinthia’s normal practice — of which he, as a connoisseur, approved, finding it as enjoyable as whipping, was to administer a sound smacking on the rump with a broad strip of leather about twenty inches long, and perhaps an eighth of an inch thick. As an amusing adjunct to this spectacle, Sencho, whose natural pruriency delighted above all in seeing women indecently degraded, had himself designed and had made a special block for the culprit. This consisted of a life-sized figure, carved in black wood, of a naked grinning savage reclining on its back, the two hands cupped in front of the face to form a kind of perch or saddle. The girl to be punished, having been stripped, was compelled to crouch astride this figure, facing its feet, her buttocks elevated and her groin supported on its hands. In this position, and effectively gagged — for the figure was realistically complete in its semblance of carnal arousal — she presented a charming and elegant spectacle of humiliation which never failed to afford Sencho keenest enjoyment.
During the smacking of Meris, which Terebinthia, herself stripped to the waist for greater freedom, carried out with brisk and pleasing vigour, the High Counsellor, his couch placed close beside the girl, lay watching in blissful silence. From time to time, signing to Terebinthia to pause, he would stretch out a fat arm to caress Meris’s thighs, himself trembling with frissons of delicate, cultured pleasure….
Her own reactions to the whipping had been startlingly unexpected … so Maia, whether she would or no, was swept away by a surging headlong exhilaration. Ah! Ah! Meris shuddering, Meris writhing, Sencho panting, Meris uncontrollably pissing in the black man’s face ha ha….

It was through this inspired scene that I found the novel, as it impressed someone on Amazon enough to include it in the Spanking In Literature List. But it has even more spanking and corporal punishment … Read the rest of this entry »

Now FREE online: Health Care Without Shame: A Handbook for the Sexually Diverse and Their Caregivers. It’s wonderful that this has become a free resource!

Or, if you prefer a hardcopy, you can get it at Amazon.com.
Some Amazon reviews:
“This book is a really outstanding source for doctors, counselors, therapists, as well as patients/clients who have experienced difficulties communicating their sexual problems to their health care provider. Moser’s unique education (Phd in sexology as well as a MD), vast research experience, and knowledge in sexual minorities make him the most qualified individual in the field to write this book. The text is short and sweet, to the point, informative, and draws upon Moser’s experience as a physician specializing in sexual medicine. I felt the dual nature of the book (for providers and patients) was useful because it enables everyone to ponder both aspects of the interaction. His recommendations explain how to take control of your health care situation, including what is necessary and what is not. Providers will find this book useful and aid them in developing nonjudgmental techniques with their patients. The explanation of the nature of health care coverage is also informative. Overall, I highly recommend this book. As a human sexuality counselor/educator I can appreciate Moser’s dedication to the field.”
“Several times I have struggled with seeing a doctor about a health-related problem because it might mean I’d have to disclose information about my sexuality. This book tells you how to do so in an informed and calm manner.
Charles IMHO is a hero for writing this book. Not only is there information for the patient on dealing with a doctor’s concern about your “alternative lifestyle,” (ie the section called “For Consumers”) and any related health concerns but also a section for Health care workers near the end of the book (the section called “For Practioners”).”

I’ve got Victorian spanking stories on the mind. I’ve been re-reading The Pearl, a long-time favorite, and I have to say that, with the exception of Janus magazine (and Blushes and Roue, too, of course!) Victorian erotica is what I will turn to when I want to read something that will get me drenchingly excited.

When I was about 17, I was stuck with my family in a vaction house over the summer. There were no friends around, and the locals my age had no desire to fraternize with a vacationer. So it was just me and my little sister, and we could get tired of each other’s company pretty fast.

But the house my parents had rented was full of bookshelves. So, being the bookwormy geek that I am, I settled down for a summer of reading other people’s books.

And then I found, innocently enough in a shelf with other random paperbacks, A Man with a Maid and that seriously effected the rest of my summer, which was then spent mostly in my room!

I didn’t have any sex toys, so I went looking around the house for some likely insertable, that no one would think was too strange if they found by my bed. Lo and behold, the table knives were these huge utensils, with sleek, rounded handles. They also curved nicely to one end, as if made to seek out a G-spot! So a knife was secreted by my bed, and I figured if Mom found it I could just tell her I’d been having a late-night snack, “And the knife just fell down there — I was wondering where it went! Couldn’t find it for the life of me!” (It would have been soooooo transparent, but happily my mother never found the furtive bed-side table knife!)

After I went off to college, I could more easily lay hands on erotic books (and keep them undiscovered!) so books like Beauty in the Birch, Frank and I and, The Yellow Room. These were read over and over, and cherished, and if I was a guy, the pages would have been sticky! (Although I’ve never fully understood that. What I do is read the story until I get to a fevered pitch, and then put the book down and replay scenes from it in my head whilst I masturbate. I don’t have enough hands to hold the book up, at the same time, and it would be awkward, anyway, which is not something I particularly desire at that very moment!)

While I was looking up my old favorites online, I discovered this one, and am ordering it right away — I had never heard of it before, and I’m so excited just by the title alone: Tales of Fun and Flagellation!

Back in my post “Subconcious Slavery” post, Karl asked me:

Zille, did you always have this longing to belong to someone else as a 24/7 slave or was there some sort of process you went through in coming to this realization about yourself?

An excellent question, and I’ve been putting off answering it because the reply is going to take so long!

I never really had a longing to be a 24/7 slave before meeting Mr Defeu.

Let me qualify this.

When I was just a wee little thing, I had fantasies about being spanked and about being held by huge hands (my fantasy characters, the “spanking monsters” were giants, you see). So I clearly wanted to be controlled. But I’ve always been a very dominant personality. Outside of my fantasies, I was quite sure, as a child, that I ruled the universe.

When I was about 12, I disavowed my kinky self, and tried to be vanilla for some years. Obviously, this didn’t work very well, because by about age 15, friends were giving me Exit to Eden and Venus in Furs as gifts. I was like that gay kid whose entire family and friends know he is gay, but he’s not willing to admit it, yet!

The thing that really let me realize I was kinky was Pat Califia’s Macho Sluts, as I’ve said before. Thus followed a time of serious exploration. I knew I wanted to be a bottom and a masochist — but I had no idea how to go about being a submissive (nevermind a slave!)

I got into my first BDSM relationship with A., when we were both in college. A. was supposed to be the Top. But she was only a year older than I was, even less experienced in BDSM, and she was at best a switch and probably would have prefered to be the bottom in the relationship.

I basically topped from the bottom for the seven years we were together. After we broke up, friends told me how funny they thought it was that we were supposed to be one way, on the outside, but we really were the exact opposite.

I had pretty much given up on the 24/7 dynamic as an option by this point. I thought it was impossible to do in the real world, it was only good for fantasies and roleplay scenes.

Then I started seeing the man who would become Mr Defeu. Things moved really fast, and by the end of our first proper date, he had told me I could call him “Master.” (Please note that I do not encourage this sort of thing! He and I had known each other for five years, but still, it was very silly of us and we are very lucky it didn’t backfire!)

So he was Master. But what was I? At the beginning, he just called me, “girl.” That was my only title. He told me he wanted to work up to me being his slave. I was not comfortable with that. I told him I didn’t want to be a slave. Why couldn’t I stay being his girl? Or what about some other title?

No, he was adamant, he wanted a slave. And I could be the slave he wanted … or, well, I guess if I had really resisted, we wouldn’t have stayed together. However, all I wanted in the world was to belong to him, so I pushed my comfort-zone aside (as one would throw off a down comforter!) and agreed to be his slave.

So, in some ways I always wanted to end up here, but in other ways it was the last thing on my mind.

I did always long for, from first memory, the masculine (I’ve said before and will say again, it didn’t have to be a man, per se, but it couldn’t have been a effeminate man or girly-girl) figure with strong hands to own me, control me, manipulate me with those big fingers.

And I love being in the M/s relationship we are in now. When I am allowed to be dominant I am often thoughtless and selfish. Being a slave means I must always strive not to put myself first. It makes a great improvement in me as a person!

And it’s a wonderful comfort. I pushed aside a comforter at the beginning of this relationship, but another, better one has replaced it. Every day, every minute, I belong to Mr Defeu. He is in charge. As much as I have to learn to let go of control, the reward is that I get to relax and not try to control things. Mr Defeu has taken the world off my shoulders, and controls what I do carry on my shoulders (like a yoke!)

Yoke - thestockroom.com

It was not hard realizing I need to belong to someone. It just made sense, once I started getting the chance to really live it. On a day-to-day basis, I find masochism and the whole corporal punishment thing far more challenging to figure out!