Zille Defeu’s Fetish Fantasies

Posts Tagged ‘My Bottom Smarts’

I’ve got some tabs to close in my browser, so here’s a “things to share” hodge-podge for you lot!

I missed My Bottom Smarts Sunday Brunch this weekend because I didn’t actually get online enough to answer the excellent question:

It’s been said that clothes make the man (or woman). Do you or you partner dress for a spanking? Or do you perhaps adapt the spanking to your mode of dress? Does wearing certain clothes affect your spanking experiences? If so, how?

Mr. Defeu really introduced me to dressing for “sex.” (By which I mean spanking, role-play, and everything that generally follows, for us!) Oh, sure, I’d enjoyed playing dress-up role-play in the past, and I was in no way loathe to wear whatever my partner wanted to see me in, but “sex” generally happened in the buff.

With Mr. Defeu at first I was really confused because we never had naked sex. I was in my schoolgirl uniform, or a spandex catsuit, or equestrienne garb, but us enjoying some spanky-bot-bot and rumpy-pumpy was almost never done au naturale. It made me wonder if he didn’t like my body, or something.

Fast-forward to now. He’s utterly corrupted me! Naked spanking and sex is very rare for us – and even if he is willing, I’ll generally be the person to say, “Oh … shouldn’t I go put something on…?” *

Well – I’m the one who is not naked. He is usually naked or just in a pair of shorts. I get this from a practical viewpoint (i.e., that he is one of those people who is always warm, and he’s doing lots of physical labour, so wearing a tweed suit every time we play might be impractical. Also, when it’s time for things to go into places, he’s ready to put them there) but … darn it, I’d really like him to wear outfits for me more often!

So, I’m registering my complaint now! I’d like to see Mr. Defeu in *his* riding clothes (OMG, boots!) or period clothing (Victorian, Elizabethan, whatever, I’ll role with it!) or the finest in headmaster fashions (just the occasional tweed is all I ask!) … or just even a nice suit, with one of those pairs of very sexy men’s dress shoes he owns. (I’m not a foot/shoe fetishist. But expensive men’s footwear makes my brain go melty. If I’m going to lick someone’s boots, give me some bespoke hand-made dress shoes from Jermyn Street, thankyouverymuch!)

As for the spanking that occurs spontaneously, when one is already dressed … well, those obviously are adapted as needed. “Necessity is the mother of invention,” and all. But so far we haven’t found an outfit I couldn’t be spanked in. Although the one time he caned me over a bustle, I did end up collapsing in laughter because it made such a terrible noise, but hurt not a bit! (The skirts and bustle were lifted soon thereafter!)

*For those ladies who might not get it and are wanting a purely practical explanation: I feel cold most of the time. This means that I’m almost never cold going into a scene, now. My poor cold feet have white schoolgirl socks on! Me being cold had actually gotten in the way of scenes, in the past. Also, being clothed means that one can keep one’s bra on for bouncy activities like being in “cowgirl” position. I was always having to cross my arm under my chest, because my tits bouncing all over the place is actually painful to me. (Not good painful – just distracting and annoying painful.) Now I can have them supported, and have both hands free … for stuff…!

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Also, Kaya has always written well about sex, but she just keeps getting better….

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And Kaelah has written a wonderful article about her first punishment.

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(The spankosphere has had some brilliant articles recently, but many of them are now sufficiently “old” by ‘net standards that I’m embarrassed to bring them up! I should get over that and just highlight the articles I’ve enjoyed over the past weeks/months!)

This Sunday, Bonnie over at My Bottom Smarts asked:

Our topic this week is based upon a question I have received from (often anonymous) e-mailers several times in various forms over the years. The basic theme is that the sender has a difficult time believing that any intelligent, capable adult woman would allow herself to be subjected to repeated spankings. The implication is that I must either have mental health issues or be a battered wife. Of course, neither is true. If they seem earnest, I write back and try to explain this, but I doubt I change anyone’s mind.
Why is it so difficult for many vanillas to accept that there are successful, sane, happy people who find consensual adult spankings to be beneficial?
I look forward to a day when spanking is considered like, say, fellatio. Not all lovers practice this technique, but it’s common enough that few people think much one way or the other about those who partake.

I was just talking the other day with a friend about how “vanillas” are often so ready to accept a bit of spanky-bot-bot as normal foreplay, how so many of them have a pair of handcuffs or a silk scarf in the bedside drawer, and it is so easy for them to accept that as a bit of harmless fun. Kind of in the way a completely straight girl could be perfectly comfortable in a room full of naked gals, in a way that a bi or lesbian woman is no longer able to be entirely comfortable, but has to avert her eyes or she feels like she’s ogling.

(So I think that the comparison of spanking with fellatio is actually more reasonable than you may think – it’s just that you are getting emails from the sorts of people who might think fellatio is also sick and not part of a healthy sex life!)

So one does wonder if all of those people who refuse to believe that “any intelligent, capable adult woman would allow herself to be subjected to repeated spankings” are closeted spankos (or other kinky type) who cannot accept in others what they refuse to allow in themselves.

Another point, however, is that vanillas tend to understand a bit of spanking as a part of sex. But if you are completely satisfied and fulfilled by spanking, that strikes them as weird. (There’s your “mental health issues”!) And if you are using spanking for behaviour modification, well, that’s just sick and wrong, obviously. (And there’s the “battered wife”!)

If you are going to be able to explain it to vanillas at all, I’ve found the best thing is to compare it to a “runner’s high.” Runners and other exercisers will go through all sorts of pain (The first day back at the gym can be more painful than the average spanking!) for a variety of “understandable” reasons, like the release of adrenalin and endorphins which make you feel so good after the pain/exertion is over. Or the “results,” which are physical for gym-goers and more emotional for spankees. But even a good workout can leave you feeling centred and calmed, the way a spanking does.

But the people who are repressed you can never get to accept “beneficial consensual adult spankings.” And most unrepressed vanillas will never “get it” outside of a sexual context.

(Not that spankings don’t have their place in said sexual context! Never let it be said that I am against mixing spanking and sex!) [grins]

Last Sunday, Bonnie over at My Bottom Smarts asked:

Have you ever decided to give up spanking? If so, for what reasons? Did you expect to walk away forever or did you anticipate a temporary abstinence? Why did you return?

Well, I started my reply, but then got to busy to get it up in time, so I’ve finally finished it, and I’m posting it here.

I’ve known that I was kinky since earliest memory. But when I was about twelve, I renounced everything “weird” about me, because I wanted to stop being a geek, bookworm, and general nerd, and become “popular.” One of the “weird” things I rejected about myself was the sexuality I had always somehow known was “different.” So I decided that I would be straight, vanilla – I started reading romances to give me an idea of how to be “normal” sexually. (I’m not sure that was a very good plan – in a very non-feminist way those books are kinky in their own way!)

Happily, when I was 17, my friends sort of conspired to “out” me as kinky to myself. One friend gave me “Exit to Eden,” for my birthday. Another gave me “Venus in Furs.” And the girl I had my first crush on one day brought in a pair of handcuffs to school … and when she put them on me, I felt so horny I could have popped!

Even so, I fought it a bit. I was worried that if I started getting off on pain, “I’ll forget how to get off on pleasure.” (Don’t ask me where I got that idea! And, happily, it hasn’t been the case. Sometimes when my Master and I have vanilla sex, I’m overwhelmed by how good vanilla can be!)

So it wasn’t until college, after my first reading of Pat Califia’s “Macho Sluts,” (I skipped all my classes, stayed in bed and read and masturbated all day!) that I fully accepted that I was a full-on, no holds barred pervert.

So I spent about 6 years in denial of some form or another. Happily, this didn’t really interfere with too much of my adult life … but if I look back and think that instead of doing risky “mostly-safer-sex” (I was really only concerned about pregnancy – considerations of herpes or genital warts or other STDs just didn’t even enter into it!) I could have just been getting spankings – like in some Blushes story, where an Older Gentleman steps forward to protect, educate, and discipline a young lady, sighhhhh – it does make me wish I’d never sworn off it!

My Master had his own period of renouncing spanking. As a young man, he had built up quite a collection of Janus and Blushes magazines. He’s not here for me to ask him exactly what age he swore off spanking, and threw them all out, but it was before his 30s, I’m pretty sure. You can hear the regret in his voice when he talks about the magazines he simply discarded – some of which he has not been able to replace, in the years since he reclaimed his kinky sexual birthright.

Both he and I thought we were “walking away forever” when we made our choices. And we both returned because we had no choice. I had good friends who forced me to confront my desires, my core-self. He moved to the US and discovered spanking parties and being able to go to dungeons and pay nice ladies to lay across his lap.

And thank the gods of CP that we both allowed ourselves to accept that part of ourselves – or we probably would never have met!

Sorry to have gone MIA this past weekend: I was at my “Kissing Cousin’s” wedding, and I left the computer at home, and even forgot my cell phone recharger, so I was truly unplugged for the first time in long while.

My KC is a perv, as is her wonderful new hubby, but it was a vanilla wedding due to the large amount of relatives and work-mates. However, my Master and I were part of a bunch of “perv friends” of the couple (Ted-n-Di, Tim and his “Northernwench,” Midori and Kelly, Natalya and TB, Cyppie and Kayte) and we got seated at the “children’s table” for the reception (i.e., they quite rightly kept us away from the ‘nilla grown-ups!) and we all got kicked out of the hotel bar after the reception (wandering away with our glasses of champagne in hand!) and took up residence in the hotel lounge (with fireplace) getting up to all sorts of shocking behaviours (and we have the pictures to prove it)!

A funny moment was when my Master lifted me up in his arms on the dance floor — I was squealing with delight — and then I felt a hand give a heavy thwack to my bottom — I leaned back to smile at whichever friend had done it, and found myself looking at a horrified Northernwench, who had totally forgotten (and had just suddenly painfully remembered!) that she wasn’t at some fetish event, where hauling off and slapping your mates bottoms was the order of the day! We assured her it was okay, and I really don’t think anyone noticed. Anyway, as the drinking continued, we all got rather rowdier, anyway. There was much fondling of people, and sitting on various people’s laps, and Tim got hauled out onto the dance floor by my Master and Ted, carried on his chair!

And, on the bus-ride home, the back of the bus was filled up with us pervs, and I really don’t think we were discussing things like the local dungeons and upcoming fetish/BDSM events all that quietly…. (Happily, most of the vanilla folk seemed A.) pretty drunk, and B.) a number of them were pretty loud even before the drinking began, so I think while we were all certainly noted and numbered as being “odd,” we didn’t actually shock or horrify anyone!)

While I was AFK for the weekend, the question of the Spanko Brunch over at My Bottom Smarts was:

Suppose you learned through an accidentally overheard telephone conversation that a coworker (someone with whom you cordially deal every day, but not a close friend) has a more than casual interest in adult spanking. No one else in the workplace knows and the person doesn’t know that you know.

Since I’d just been in a group of perverts (spankos, latex-lovers, kinksters of all stripes) within a larger group of vanilla wedding goers, this question really struck home, and reminded me of a very awkward moment in the last job I had. Although it was for a big publishing company, my mother was also working there and was pretty much my direct boss, and the whole office of my fellow workers were friendly with her, so it was not just a vanilla work situation, but a family one to boot!

One day I was in the office around the end of a Friday, and a co-worker said she would be watching Secretary that weekend, and asked if anyone had seen it. Now I, of course, have seen it a gazillion times, and have much to say on the matter, but I sat tight and kept my mouth shut as the people in the cubicles around me chatted about their opinions about the movie, and spanking in general! There was no way I was going to say the things that were running through my mind! Not only could my mom have walked in at any point in time, but anything I said would certainly have gotten back to her!

I do wonder if I’d just been working in a non-family situation, whether I would have admitted to seeing and liking the movie…? I like to live as “out” as possible about my life (as long as it doesn’t offend or upset those around me — I think it’s lovely to be able to be open, but at the same time people certainly have the right to NOT know about my sex life if they don’t want to!) but of course we have all heard stories about people loosing jobs and etc. because of their bosses/co-workers finding out about their home lives.

It can be hard, sometimes, even for me, to have a sexuality that is not part of the accepted “norm,” and to have to hide parts of my life.

I always miss the MBS Spanko Brunch over at My Bottom Smarts, because Mr Defeu and I always spend that day doing stuff: either running errands and doing stuff around the house, or doing kinky things that I get to blog about the next day. Anyway, I’m not on the computer much that day, so I miss out on all the Brunchly fun. Recently, Bonnie’s been putting up questions I’ve really been sorry to miss out on. So, I’m just going to belatedly jump in on the action…

Yesterday’s question was:

Do you publish a spanking-oriented blog? If so, what is it about blogging that you enjoy? What is the biggest negative? How does blogging impact the rest of your life?

Obviously, I publish a spanking-oriented blog. I’ve been doing kink-oriented blogging since 2001, when my dear friend Tamsyn sucked me into the LiveJournal universe. LJverse? Anyway, I loved it there, and blogged my little heart out about what was then happening in my life: I was together with A., and we were having all sorts of kinky adventures that we chronicled on DarkPlay.net ; my blog gave me a place to write about the shoots we were doing, and the inspirations that were behind them, and the funny things that happened during them, etc. Also, because it had a “friends only,” mode, I could write more private posts that only my nearest and dearest could read.

That’s how I fell in love with blogging. I remember before then, having a journal online seemed like such a strange idea! Why would you put down your innermost thoughts for all to see? Now, everyone and their brother’s cousin’s aunt are frantically pouring forth their experiences, dreams, and rants.

And the sexy blogging took off just as fast. The minute someone realised they could have an anonymous blog, suddenly there were sex blogs whooshing across the net like wildfire.

I tried having an anonymous journal for a while, when I first got together with Mr Defeu. A. and I had had the world’s most painful break-up, and we were still trying to be friends, and she still read my journal, so I didn’t want to rub my happiness, and my new sexual adventuring, in her face. So I tried just having a new journal, an anonymous one, because I really wanted to write about all this amazing stuff that was happening to me — and I didn’t feel I could write about it in my old journal anymore.
But then the journal started getting interest, and I was really proud of it, and wanted the writing I was doing associated with my name. At the same time, LiveJournal started instituting some nasty censorship policies … and so it seemed clear it was time to move to a new home, where I could put my real name on my words, without any censorship, for any reason (self or otherwise imposed).

It was hard to leave the LJ communities at first — I felt very alone, out in the blogosphere by myself. But I started making friends, like dear Paul, and getting readers who commented, and in the end, this is actually much better than LJ, for me, and I wish I’d just always had this blog.

There’s no way to really explain what I like about blogging — I think the word is “everything.” I’m a writer, so I love writing. I love reading, and making friends with other bloggers — and getting to know people from their words and thoughts, even though I might have no idea what they look like, or even who they are. And I love exposing myself this way. If I’m any kind of exhibitionist, I’m a word-exhibitionist. I don’t mind baring my body, but I love baring my soul.

There aren’t really any negatives for me. And as for how it effects my life … well, I try to write a blog post as often as I can, so it’s a pretty huge part of my life. I try to respond in a timely manner to the people who are kind enough to leave comments, and I work on keeping the design snazzy and fun, and looking around for stuff that will interest people. I think I’d have to actually get sucked into the computer (like in Tron!) for it to have any more impact on my life!

Oh, and of course, Mr Defeu and I have to think of things like taking a picture of my bottom before and after a spanking, so it also adds a certain element of fun, beyond the fact that I already enjoy it immensely!