Zille Defeu’s Fetish Fantasies

Posts Tagged ‘Pat Califia’

Last Sunday, Bonnie over at My Bottom Smarts asked:

Have you ever decided to give up spanking? If so, for what reasons? Did you expect to walk away forever or did you anticipate a temporary abstinence? Why did you return?

Well, I started my reply, but then got to busy to get it up in time, so I’ve finally finished it, and I’m posting it here.

I’ve known that I was kinky since earliest memory. But when I was about twelve, I renounced everything “weird” about me, because I wanted to stop being a geek, bookworm, and general nerd, and become “popular.” One of the “weird” things I rejected about myself was the sexuality I had always somehow known was “different.” So I decided that I would be straight, vanilla – I started reading romances to give me an idea of how to be “normal” sexually. (I’m not sure that was a very good plan – in a very non-feminist way those books are kinky in their own way!)

Happily, when I was 17, my friends sort of conspired to “out” me as kinky to myself. One friend gave me “Exit to Eden,” for my birthday. Another gave me “Venus in Furs.” And the girl I had my first crush on one day brought in a pair of handcuffs to school … and when she put them on me, I felt so horny I could have popped!

Even so, I fought it a bit. I was worried that if I started getting off on pain, “I’ll forget how to get off on pleasure.” (Don’t ask me where I got that idea! And, happily, it hasn’t been the case. Sometimes when my Master and I have vanilla sex, I’m overwhelmed by how good vanilla can be!)

So it wasn’t until college, after my first reading of Pat Califia’s “Macho Sluts,” (I skipped all my classes, stayed in bed and read and masturbated all day!) that I fully accepted that I was a full-on, no holds barred pervert.

So I spent about 6 years in denial of some form or another. Happily, this didn’t really interfere with too much of my adult life … but if I look back and think that instead of doing risky “mostly-safer-sex” (I was really only concerned about pregnancy – considerations of herpes or genital warts or other STDs just didn’t even enter into it!) I could have just been getting spankings – like in some Blushes story, where an Older Gentleman steps forward to protect, educate, and discipline a young lady, sighhhhh – it does make me wish I’d never sworn off it!

My Master had his own period of renouncing spanking. As a young man, he had built up quite a collection of Janus and Blushes magazines. He’s not here for me to ask him exactly what age he swore off spanking, and threw them all out, but it was before his 30s, I’m pretty sure. You can hear the regret in his voice when he talks about the magazines he simply discarded – some of which he has not been able to replace, in the years since he reclaimed his kinky sexual birthright.

Both he and I thought we were “walking away forever” when we made our choices. And we both returned because we had no choice. I had good friends who forced me to confront my desires, my core-self. He moved to the US and discovered spanking parties and being able to go to dungeons and pay nice ladies to lay across his lap.

And thank the gods of CP that we both allowed ourselves to accept that part of ourselves – or we probably would never have met!

I‘m resurrecting this entry because it seems to have gotten lost in the archives, and I’m about to write a whole bunch more about anal sex, so I thought I’d go over my previous thoughts on the matter. This is from an email to my Master, dated September 9, 2005….

From: Sexand submission.com

Dear Master,

Oh, so much has happened since the last time I posted up here! So many wonderful things for me … but the most wonderful is that I am pleasing you, that you are not disappointed with my progress, and that you want to do more with/to me!

Tonight I shall write about a topic that has been on my mind very frequently since you brought it up, the other night on the phone. Anal sex. Wheeee! – I never get tired of the naughty thrill of saying/typing that!

Here is my history with it, Sir, as of course such a topic can always yield amusing results!

Anal sex was a far from my mind as possible when I first started having sex. I know it must have been giggled about by me and my friends at some point, but I was as generally oblivious to it as someone who just doesn’t think about something can be. It was not even an option, in my mind.

When I was dating I— , he asked me if I would do him a sexual favour (and, I said, “Yes, of course, dear, what can I do for you?!”) and that was when he asked for either anal sex or me to shave my pussy. You know which I chose! I told I— at the time, and I meant every word of it, that “I will never have anal sex!”

Which is what I told C— , he being the next boyfriend. He said he was entirely fine with limiting our sex-life to oral and vaginal delights.

He laughed so hard that if he had not fallen out of bed I would have pushed him, when, a year or so later, I asked him to fuck me in the ass, please!

What happened to change my mind so drastically? Two things: Pat Califia (again, making such a huge imprint on my life) and porn. By this point in time I was rooming with R— , and she and I routinely rented porn flicks to do running commentaries over. At first I was horrified by seeing the seemingly all-too-huge cocks ramming into the all-too-small anuses. But, after a while, it occurred to me that if so many women were doing it, it could not be quite so bad as I was making it out to be! (And the Pat Califia book had anal fisting in it, which did sort of put the whole thing into perspective: “Wow! If a fist can go up there, a cock’s not so bad!”)

So that night, once C— got done rolling on the floor laughing at me and I stopped pouting about being laughed at, we got to it. I have to say for C— that he was always a careful and dedicated lover: therefore, perfect for a first-try at anal. We got the lube, and he got worked his way up to having three fingers up there with me really enjoying it. And then, figuring we’d stretched things out nicely, he tried his cock. No go. A real unpleasant pain came up immediately, and my first instinct was: Get It Out Now!

And it was like that for years. I’d really get off on any number of fingers digitally stimulating me back there, even quite vigorously, but trying later with other lovers yielded continuing unsuccessful results.

Meanwhile, butt-plugs were great! Vibrating or not!

It has been in the past two years that I have come to love the feeling of a cock pushing deep into my ass. The factor that brought results: I suddenly realized that I could play with my clitoris at the same time as being fucked in the ass!

With the pleasurable sensations running outwards from my clit, suddenly the “stretching” sensations in my ass that seemed to occur the most during penile-anal sex and which I had always perceived as painful – became pleasure as well. And the moments in the beginning, when it can seem just “all too much,” before you are opened up enough … while I was rubbing my clit, that pain became a turn-on instead of a turn-off.

Being a “lesbian” (that is, “bisexual in a long-term relationship with a woman”) had really done something weird for my sexuality! When I was sleeping with guys originally, the things that turned me on were … well, mostly, me getting some nice orgasms. But after a period of not sleeping with men, followed by a period of wanting to sleep with men again but feeling pressured not to (A. really was never comfortable with me sleeping with guys, so it was easier to take female lovers — we could share that way, anyway!) and so voraciously re-reading my Victorian erotica and White Shadow’s Nasty Stories (now sadly defunct), I had now become really excited about the idea of guys coming inside me. (I think that in high school I had been so worried about pregnancy that I thought sex was much hotter if all that nasty sperm was contained in a nice latex condom…!)

But now my fantasies couldn’t get hotter than being a Victorian girl who was just coming-of-age, and whose father/brother/uncle took it upon themselves (selfless gentlemen that they were!) to teach me the ars amours. Of course, being gentlemen, they would worry about getting their darling daughter/sister/niece pregnant, so they could twiddle my little quim with their big masculine digits all they liked, but their cocks always ended up in my arse….

And other fantasies. Years of nightly fantasies. I could go on for pages and pages just giving brief outlines! But, most relevant to this topic, suddenly I could care less about my pussy. That was where I was generally getting fucked, but in my mind I was only being fucked in the ass – thinking about anything else wouldn’t even come close to getting me off!

UPDATE: As of today, my fantasies remain anal in theme. In my head, I pretty much only get vaginally-penetrated if something else (ginger, anyone?!) is already stuck up my bottom! And, of course, I’ve learned to appreciate the pains of anal sex, even more than the pleasures: indeed, they have become the pleasure, for me!