Zille Defeu’s Fetish Fantasies

Posts Tagged ‘personal growth’

I’ve had too much happening too fast over the holidays to get caught up, but now things have slowed down a wee bit, so I will try….

This post is called “My first punishment of the new year,” but it really starts with the last scene of the old year, because I never got to write about that before the Christmas chaos took everything over.

It was the day before my Master and I were going to my parent’s house for the holidays. I had hoped we would play, because not only would finding the time for play while we were there be improbable, there was also the fact that having kinky sex with your parents downstairs is not really an optimal situation. I did it when I lived at home, because otherwise kinky (or any other) sex wasn’t going to happen at all – but I didn’t particularly relish the concerns with getting caught, or just the fact that my parents were in the same building at the time. I much prefer having sex or any kinky play when they are on the other side of the country….

Unfortunately, the day dawned with me feeling pretty sick. I decided not to mention the matter, because if my Master knows that I am sick, he goes into Daddy-caring-for-poor-little-girl mode, which is lovely but does not lead to hot sex.

We went through the day, me finishing the packing and doing last minute things. I don’t even remember how we got into the bedroom, with a scene about to happen, but I do remember telling my sickness to go away, this was not the time for it, as I got into a pair of punishment shorts.

My Master had requested my bad girl side, but he got more than he asked for, because it seems I’d had a lot of bottled up frustration and anger inside me. I can keep it shoved down when I’m being a good girl, but when I’m allowed to be a bad girl, there doesn’t seem much point in stoically suppressing my emotions, when I could have a good tantrum.

And thus I did! Damn, but I was horrible! I think my Master was secretly a little delighted with it all, because I’m always such a good girl, but the bad girls are the ones who get spanking stories written about them! Anyway, he gave as good as he got – my ass was as weal-ed and bruised as it has ever been. I got into that headspace where I could just keep taking it and taking it, no matter how painful the cane or tawse strokes were – and I just kept talking back to him, daring him to beat me harder with every word and look. He wanted to get me to submit to him, by kissing the tawse he was beating me with, but I was feeling so naughty and wilful that at one point, when he held it out for a kiss after a dozen or so hard strokes, I actually bit it! That tawse may still have my teeth marks in it!

In the end he had to stop to avoid damaging me, and I was grimly satisfied that I hadn’t cried, “Uncle!” (Although since I literally couldn’t sit down for the rest of the night, one can barely say that I “won!”)

After that, I could finally be fucked! And, wonderfully, he took me in the ass! I honestly don’t remember if it hurt or not – I was pretty high on endorphins by that time. A cool thing was that he had me lie on my back, bum at the edge of the bed and legs bent back against me, and took me in the ass that way, which I think was the first time for that position. We had been looking at pictures from the hardcore schoolgirl shoot together, and it was not actually the pictures from the shoot, but the background image in the gallery that had really got us both going! I was so turned on that I’m sure I was making faces like the girl on that page!

All of which is to say that it was a very intense scene! But what was of most interest to us both was that I could and did take a lot of pain whilst not feeling over-well. I told him after the scene that I had been feeling poorly before-hand, and we were both quite pleased that we may not have to put off scenes just because I have a headache or a tummy ache in the future. Since those are some of the main reasons we don’t get to play as often as we’d like, this is very good news!

And I think I am going to be punished a lot this year. Read the rest of this entry »

Okay, I managed to avoid this meme when kaya tagged all her readers, but now Mollena has tagged me in a most unequivocal way, so here I go:

seven random things you didn’t know about me (but do now)

1. I love dinosaurs, and my favorite is Triceratops — because he was an herbivore, but could still kick T-Rex’s ass all over town.
2. I have read the Lord of the Rings trilogy at least 20 times in my life. And I HATE the movies! My favorite character is Treebeard.
3. I sleep with a stuffed wolf cub every night, named Kodah.
4. Except when my Master goes on trips very far away. Then I ask him to take Kodah with him, so I won’t worry so much. When my Master went to India, he sent back pictures of Kodah in hotel rooms, at ancient temples, contemplating Indian squirrels, etc. While Kodah is away with my Master, I may sleep with a black bear named Olallieberry, or my stuffed Triceratops, named Trinity.
5. I love being in small enclosed spaces. You’ve heard of claustrophobia — I have claustrophilia! It started when I was a kid — I have memories of favorite small enclosed spaces that are richer than most of my other memories. One was in a doctor’s office “kid’s playroom,” that had a niche you could only get into by a small round hole, and once inside, one wall was stained glass, and the colorful light made me really happy. For some reason, it was part of my sexuality — I remember being in small enclosed spaces the same way I remember fantasizing about the spanking monsters, or finding references to spanking in books or tv.
6. Also sexual from my childhood: the smell of new gym mats. A very rubbery smell. I like the smell of latex clothing just fine, but if you put me in a room with a gym mat, I’ll be lying on it and breathing in deeply through my nose (errr, that’s the polite way of saying “huffing”) in no time flat!
7. The jobs I wanted to have, in chronological order: paleontologist (circa age 5), librarian (circa age 8), writer and illustrator (circa age 12), spy and/or navy pilot (circa age 15 — yes I’d gotten into the John Le Carré section of the library, and that was around the time Top Gun came out…), interior designer (circa age 17), porn star (circa age 19), web-designer (circa age 23). I’m now back to wanting to be a writer (when I grow up — heh!), although I’m happy doing web-design and working in the porn industry, too!

So there you are. Proof of my geekiness laid out for all to see!

In return I tag:
Paul — please do this meme in the comments for this post!

I don’t know who else from my friends has already done this post, so if you are reading this, and feel like doing it, feel free to leave it in the comments for this post if you don’t have a blog, or do it on your blog (in which case, let me know so I can go read it!)

So I need to renew my driver’s license, and for reasons too boring to go into here, I need to take the written exam. I’ve needed to do this for quite some time, but have been putting it off, and off, and off. Now, next month, my current license will expire, so I have to actually go do this thing.

My Master and I have worked out a way to make studying the DMV handbook more fun – for both of us.

The set up goes like this: my Master puts me over the convertible step-stool, i.e., the Chair of Doom. Then he asks me questions from the sample tests the DMV provides. When I get an answer wrong, I get a certain number of strokes from the cane (which he sets before we start, although he seems to feel completely guiltless about changing that number whenever suits him!)

I’ve been fantasizing about this for the last few weeks. (And, to be honest, not studying overly much. That DMV handbook is written in such a way as to make your mind wander within a page, I swear!) Last Sunday we had our first study session.

My Master was in a spandex mood (and, it seems, having some ‘80s nostalgia!), and so had me in spandex short shorts and a thong leotard. I must say that I find such outfits really quite humiliating. I think most short shorts make my thighs look fat, and a thong leo is simply embarrassing to wear at the best of times. But he loves it – I mean it really turns him on! So I just try not to look in any mirrors, and let his eyes be my mirror, so I can feel as sexy as he sees me. It’s generally not easy at first, but gets easier as the scene progresses and his lust is obvious and continuing….

Once the outfit was on, he couldn’t wait to get started. I, on the other hand, was not in a great headspace. It was my first day of my “period week” in my menstrual cycle, and PMS was still in full swing. When he said it was time for the scene, I responded with alacrity, because I’ve found that if I have to beg out of a scene, I regret it for months later, every day that scenes don’t happen and I find myself thinking wistfully back to that scene that could have been. So I pretty much have to be bleeding from the eyeballs these days for me to even consider asking for a reprieve, and I certainly wasn’t going to give up a good scene opportunity just because I felt cranky and slow and tired. I even put on the thong with good grace!

But as the scene was getting started, a wave of self-pity rolled over me. My pain tolerance was at it’s lowest; why did we always have to do a scene on the first day of my period? I didn’t really want to be in pain, anyway. And other whinging, which I happily kept entirely internal.

My Master I don’t think noticed my inner turmoil – he was too busy enjoying the view of my spandex-clad bottom. He was so excited that he couldn’t keep his hands off: he suddenly changed plans, put the chair back into its chair shape, and put me over his knee for a warm-up spanking. (This did leave me a bit bemused, because he’s normally completely uninterested in a warm-up!)

He started in on the spanking, and I tried to get myself in headspace. He moved up the intensity scale pretty quickly, and my self-pity increased accordingly. Finally I burst out crying, more from the unfairness of it all than from actual pain. He lifted me off his lap, and started setting the chair up for the study session. He decided on using a tawse, first.

I got my first question wrong, and he thwacked my bottom a few times. I got the next one right, and then the next one wrong. And somewhere along the line, my self-pity and stupid headspace vanished, and the scene was just good and fun and sexy and hot.
Read the rest of this entry »

I spend a certain amount of time (more than I should, most likely!) over on FetLife. I often want to link to some of those Fetlife conversations over in this blog, as they can become quite fascinating (or sometimes quite amusing, when someone says something stupid) however, since one can only read the discussions if one is a member, that doesn’t entirely work.

Anyway, there’s a couple recent discussions I thought I’d share. The first is from a forum I started, called (unsurprisingly!) “Spanked Schoolgirls.” A member posted the following question:

I often wonder if people who love to be spanked/spank can be classed as BDSM folk. I’m mainly into HOH and DD and although I love roleplay and anything to do with the schoolgirl theme, does this constitute being into BDSM ? What do you think?

My response:

Basically, the answer is: “It’s entirely up to you!”

I am into BDSM, therefore, I have no trouble putting spanking under that catagory. When I first got into BDSM, I just assumed that it was….

How wrong I was! There are the spankos, the DD/HOH people, and probably others as well, who get VERY OFFENDED if you tell them they are into BDSM. And so I don’t. And they get along very happily telling themselves they are different from those nasty BDSM perverts.

The nasty BDSM perverts that I know, however, all love spanking and schoolgirl roleplay, and all have done it and many do it as a regular staple of play. They just enjoy other activities as well; such as bondage, dripping wax on people, wearing collars, and making people wear ouchie nipple clamps! (For a small seclection of examples!)

So you are only into BDSM if you say you are into BDSM. If you don’t want to be lumped in with the leather folk, you don’t have to be! You can be with the “we are only into spanking, which is just good clean fun” folks, or you can be with the DD/HOH folks — or, like me, you can try to live in all those worlds … although that means a certain number of spankos and DD people don’t really accept you.

Happily, the nasty BDSM perverts welcome pretty much every stripe of kinky person with open arms!

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To an outside observer, even one who knows something of BDSM activities, what my Master and I did on Sunday might have looked like one play session, or one punishment session, but the distinction that it was two separate things would most likely have been lost.

I mean, first I was put in my collar and a gag, and paddled. Then the gag was removed and my Master held me. I played with his cock, and then went down on him, and then was bent over the bed for a caning. Then, I was ordered to take my panties down, and fucked quite thoroughly.

See what I mean? It might look like one scene to most people. But to my Master and I, it was most certainly not.

The paddle is a punishment tool. The cane is a tool of masochistic pleasure, discipline, and loving connection. But it’s more than just the tools.
Read the rest of this entry »