Zille Defeu’s Fetish Fantasies

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An awkward moment at Shadow Lane this past weekend: I was talking to some people, and made some unserious comment as to how much I wasn’t looking forward to a spanking (or something similar) and the person turned, concerned, to me and said, “But you do like to be spanked?!”

As with most awkward social situations, I made a joke* and rolled my eyes and said, “Oh, I’d hate to get spanked. That would just be terrible!” and this elicited minor chuckles and thankfully everyone moved on.

But it does bring me back yet again to my confusion with people in the scene who insist they hate spankings. (Apologies if you are one of the above – I’m not dissing you, just trying to wrap my head around this matter!) Why, if you hate to be spanked, are you at an expensive, weekend-long spanking party? (Or writing a spanking blog, or any other indication of a deep interest in all things spanking.)

When I first moved from BDSMville to the spankosphere, my attitude was the usual one you’d find in a dungeon: masochism is gooooood – in fact, the people who get the most “respect” in that scene are the serious pain sluts who could basically be skinned alive and would yet orgasm repeatedly during the process.

Imagine my confusion, upon entering the spankosphere, to come across people proclaiming loudly that they would do just anything to get out of the upcoming spanking – it was a complete and total paradigm shift, and, as you can see, I’m still not fully comprehending things.

At first I thought that it was just very extended roleplay – I mean, even BDSM folks can do scenes where they pretend, “Oh, don’t hit me with that mean old riding crop, anything but that!” So maybe, I wondered, the people who say they don’t like a spanking are just staying in that game all the time. Which is fine for them, but I would wish they’d wear a button, so I’d know what game we were all playing, the best to fit into any given spanko social situation. (I’m not sure what this button would say – suggestions welcome!)

But in the years since I’ve moved here (Years? When did that happen?) I’ve found some spanko neighbours who are as unabashedly enthusiastic as any whips-n-chains-er. So whatever reality some people are residing in, we aren’t all in the same one together. This is confusing for me – and I invariably get things wrong and joke about not wanting spankings with the happy masochists, and then boast about enjoying a recent thrashing with the no-ouchie-for-me folks. I do not like this. Being socially ept is hard enough for me as it is without people looking at me like I’ve sprouted eye-stalks off my forehead every time I talk about play.

After some conversations I’ve had since this most recent moment of social confusion, I think I may be altering my original notion about the “living the fantasy” concept. (So those of you who were just reading to the end of this entry so you could post irate rejoinders, please hold on to that thought….)
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Tomorrow Mr. Defeu and I leave for Shadow Lane. I’m so excited to see so many of my friends again, and to spend a weekend in the company of myriad pervs (it’s been too long!)

As if to spur me on, last night I had the most erotic dream I think I’ve ever had….

I was at this all girl’s school … except that the girl’s uniforms seemed to be bikinis. They were all quite well-built – curves everywhere! – and it was a bit like a music video or Serpieri’s Druuna books! with all these scantily clad hotties walking up and down the halls and stairs of the school.

I myself, in good dream fashion, was naked. But not the least embarrassed – indeed, in the dream, I felt this delicious sensuality, this sexy confidence. I sashayed as if I was moving through honey.

I kept ended up making out with and otherwise pleasing these girls – sometimes just one, sometimes more! – and this was a perfectly wonderful state that could have completed the dream to my perfect satisfaction.

But there was more! I kept getting taken aside by (male) teachers who were finding quite obvious excuses to punish me – I was “distracting” the girls, I was causing a disturbance in class, I was interrupting their studies, you know the drill – and then the teachers used a variety of implements on me. In the dream, I knew that this hurt, but every stroke was like those rare strokes where pain meets pleasure just right, and you can’t tell the difference. I was crying from the pain out in these sensual moans.

The most clear part of the dream I remember now is that I was being punished by a teacher, who’d put a butt-plug in me, and had beaten me with a strap. I then met up with a few delicious girls who were really turned on by my state, and who needed to kiss, caress, and finger-fuck me. (Even in my dreams, I’m always a giver – didn’t want to let these young ladies down, so allowed them to do as they willed with me, whilst keeping my hands and mouth as busy as possible. See, always a giver!)

We got interrupted by the headmaster, who then felt the need to punish me for this further disruption. (And not my fault, I’d add! They seduced me!) He caned me, and then pulled the butt-plug out – I remember moaning, in the dream, and him saying, “Do you feel all empty now?” He then said, “This will fill you up!” and thrust his cock into me.

Sadly, it was after this promising start that I woke up.

Oh, how I wish you could just pause your dreams and then resume them when next going to sleep. I’d go back to this dream in a heartbeat!

So, who knows, maybe this is what Shadow Lane will be like for me…? At any rate, if I wasn’t entirely rarin’ to go before, I surely am now!

I’ll try to blog or at least tweet from SL, but if it’s anything like that dream, then you should really just expect a report after I get back!

The infinitely lovely people at NSI have sent me some samples from the shoot, for the express purpose of sharing with you lot! So you will have seen them here first — but please do go sign up for NSI to see the rest! We shot lots of pictures over those two hot days!

Spanked by the feared and dreaded Stephen Lewis!

Please do note the vintage stockings! I take my work seriously, damnit!

If you missed it, here are the entries where I wrote about the shoot:
Shooting with Northern Spanking Institute
Shooting with Northern Spanking Institute | Part 2

From: New Scientist!

Spanking is stressful at first, but it could bring consenting couples closer together. That’s the implication of two studies of hormonal changes associated with sadomasochistic (S&M) activities including spanking, bondage and flogging.

Brad Sagarin at Northern Illinois University in DeKalb and colleagues measured levels of the stress hormone cortisol in 13 men and women at an S&M party in Arizona, before, during and after participating in activities. During S&M scenes, cortisol rose significantly in those receiving stimulation, but dropped back to normal within 40 minutes if the scene went well. There was no change in those inflicting the activity.

At an S&M event in Colorado, testosterone was measured in 45 men and women. It increased significantly in receiving women only. Donatella Marazziti of the University of Pisa, Italy, says the boost may help women cope with the aggressive nature of S&M activities, or that it could be another sign of stress. In both studies, couples who said the party went well also reported increases in relationship closeness (Archives of Sexual Behavior, DOI: 10.1007/s10508-008-9374-5).

It’s important to note that levels of both hormones dropped back down in couples who enjoyed the experience, Marazziti says. “When sexual intercourse is consensual it is not stressful – even if it is extreme sex.”

Heh — for me, I don’t think my stress levels go up when the spanking starts at all — I’m just too happy about it! Of course, if it’s actual punishment, that’s another matter … but the study didn’t go into such detail!

Maybe we should do our own study! We in the spankosphere could start S.P.A.N.K. (the Society of Professional and Notable Kinksters, perhaps, although I’m sure one of you could come up with some better words to fill that acronym, this was just off the top of my head!) and do scientific studies of all sorts of aspects of spanking and CP. We could have the S.P.A.N.K. Institute (classically I think these things are supposed to be in Switzerland, but my vote is for either the UK or somewhere tropical!) and we could call upon the world’s finest scientists (if you go with my theory that all scientists are perverts, then this makes it easy to assume they’ll all want to join us!) and then have spankers and spankees coming in for trials and studies.

Can’t you see it … white hallways with white-lab-coated spankologists walking looking at clipboards (or, better yet, Star Trek PADDs!), passing rooms, where looking in the windows on the doors, you can see girls bent over various white furniture items (a bed, a desk, a chair, even white and sterile medieval torture pieces) with wires hooked up to their heads and bodies, with scientists standing around taking notes as the spanker lines up another hit … or the “psychology” labs which have perfect sets (schoolroom, headmaster’s office, reformatory dormitory) where spankees and spankers interact while scientists monitor from one-way mirrors … there can be a sleep lab for seeing if people sleep better after a spanking … and a gymnasium for exercise-based CP studies … and I picture two dining areas: one where the spankees can whisper to each other about what the tests are like, and what might be happening to them next, and a lounge for the spankers and scientists to chat over meals about new tests and ideas for improving results….

I think I may have to visit this fantasy with some regularity!

(There always has to be anal play in any medical scenario, don’t you think?!)

I’ve been organizing the books in our apartment, as they are threatening to take over the place, and I found this gem among Papa Otter’s erotica collection.

The cover is more funny than arousing (to me, anyway) but what is lovely and even in it’s own way arousing is the innocence of the image. No worries about feminism, here, no angst about if spanking your wife is okay, no confusion about whether discipline should have sex involved (the author thinks it should, if you can’t tell by the spanker’s humongous erection!) — these are some happy ’60s swingers who explore their desires with an almost child-like innocence.

The book cheerfully merges domestic discipline with sex (and swinging, because once you find out the neighbours like spanking, too, the obvious next step is to spank and fuck the neighbour’s wife, non?) in a way that is very heartening for me, because Papa Otter and I find they mingle very well indeed, and I was very surprised when I came across the DD [Domestic Discipline] community and found out that I wasn’t supposed to want to mix those things!

My favourite example of this (and I really need to carry the URL for this site around with me, because when I tell people about it they just can’t believe me) is this fabulous article, Thanking the HOH — The “Formal Thank You” as a Non-Sexual Act. I don’t know how I found it, but once I realized what I’d come across, I had a reaction that combined all the best aspects of shooting my drink out my nose and punching the air and shouting, “Yes!”
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