Zille Defeu’s Fetish Fantasies

Posts Tagged ‘schoolgirl’

I am sorry to have been so long absent from this blog! I’m hoping to sneak in a few days of posting before work picks up again….

I’ve been reading the book Hitch-22: A Memoir, because it’s well-spoken and deeply intelligent author, Christopher Hitchens, unfortunately passed away a few months ago.

I’ve been enjoying it for it’s own merits, but was doubly excited when mention of CP suddenly showed up!

The three great subjects of Beating, Bullying, and Buggery (the junior or cadet equivalent of Winston Churchill’s naval tryptych of Rum, Sodomy, and the Lash”) are familiar enough to me in their way, and I have often been closely questioned – usually by girls – about their influence on my formation. I was subjhected to a certain amount and to a certain extent to the first two of the Big Bs but not (my italics) to the third….

Indeed, I often have difficulty convincing my graduate students that I really did go off to prep school at the age of eight, from station platforms begrimed with coal dust and echoing to the mounting “whomp, whomp, woof, woof” of the pistons beginning to turn, as my own “trunk” and “trunk box” were loaded into a “luggage car.” Not only that, but that I wore corduroy shorts in all weathers, blazers with a school crest on Sundays, slept in a dormitory with open windows, began every day with a cold bath (followed by the declension of Latin irregular verbs), wolfed lumpy porridge for breakfast, attended compulsory divine service every morning and evening, and kept a diary in which – in a special code – I recorded the number of times when I was left alone with a grown-up man, who was perhaps four times my weight and five times my age, and bent over to be thrashed with a cane.

Here we have some excellent points for those who want to play, “Schoolboy at English public school” games. I know quite a few of you who will perk up at reading this!

The true essence of a dictatorship is in the fact that those who live under it must never be able to relax, must never be quite sure if they have followed the rules correctly or not. (The only rule of thumb was: whatever is not compulsory is forbidden) Thus, the ruled can always be found to be in the wrong. […] “Hitchens, take that look off your face!” Near-instant panic. I hadn’t realized I was wearing a “look.” (Face-crime!) “Hitchens, report yourself at once to the study!” “Report myself for what, sir?” “Don’t make it worse for yourself, Hitchens, you know perfectly well.” But I didn’t. And then, “Hitchens, it’s not just that you have let the whole school down. You have let yourself down.” To myself I was frantically muttering: Now what? It turned out to be some dormitory sex-game from which – though the fools in charge didn’t know it – I had in fact been excluded. But a protestation of my innocence would have been, as in any inquisition, and additional proof of guilt.

One of the joys of reading this and feeling stirred by erotic tinglings is that this is utterly guilt-free, which can’t be said for all the “real life” CP we all read about and eroticize. But Christopher Hitchens was not horribly traumatized by this, and ended up not having entirely negative feelings on the matter –

And yet it still wasn’t facism, and the men and women who ran this bizarre microcosm were dedicated in their own weird way.
[…]
I think I wish I had not been introduced so early to the connection between obscure sexual excitement and the infliction – or the reception – of pain.

So I think we can all safely build some fantasies on this one! And, from what I have gotten to know about him from reading his works, I have to say I think ol’ Hitch would actually be amused, if not grinningly pleased, that people were basing fantasies on his school years! Indeed, that last sentence makes me wonder if perhaps he was not, to some extent, one of us…!

Two things are making me think about my schoolgirl uniforms, today.

One, American Apparel has just come out with their own line of Pleated Schoolgirl Skirts which is really good news, because it means that it is much easier to pick up very authentic looking (not the slutty, obviously fake kind) skirts which are nonetheless made to fit people who have secondary sex characteristics (relevantly: a hip to waist ratio which is not equal!) They have a range of colours including: Heather Taupe, Light Charcoal, Dark Charcoal, Navy, and Black.

For me, authenticity is just so very vital. I don’t mind wearing a tarty little tartan number for parties, or in a joking way around vanillas or spankos who will find it funny. But for real scenes with Mr Defeu and other people who care about such things, well, authenticity is where my heart lies; it helps me get into that vulnerable headspace which makes a spanking scene so much more intense. For me, a slutty skirt would actually act as a shield, something I can hide behind, not something which helps me open up. (I realise this is ironic when the slutty skirt involves so much less material. It’s just one of those weird things: I feel emotionally nakeder in the longer skirt, with big ol regulation knickers under that!)

On the other hand, I don’t want to be just wearing an ill-fitting costume. I want the uniform to be something I would wear, something in which I can look smart. So sometimes, it is hard for me to balance the desire to get all my schoolgirl clothes from the children’s uniform section. Making real schoolgirl skirts for adults addresses this problem perfectly. (After all, the skirt fit you when you were a child. Why should an ill-fitting one be more “authentic” than one made for your current shape and size?)

Also, Maggie Mayhem has done a very intense post entitled Why I Hated My School Girl Skirt Then And Why I’ll Fuck In It Now. A quote I really like:

Porn isn’t in the wrong for using the school girl uniform, schools are already forcing and establishing the dominance pecking order by establishing a school girl uniform. That’s some non-consensual D/s shit and it’s much more appropriate to do between two consenting adults. Consensual outlets for self-aware control freaks, that is my sexual harm reduction method. Your brain is the best sex toy you will ever own and part of fighting oppression is looking into yourself and how it holds you back and how to participate in it. When you eroticize something, you pull it from that context and begin to engage with it in a way that moves towards more awareness. Just playacting doesn’t create the conscious awareness, thinking about why and the context with which you have those feelings is a separate and long process. At the very least, the images jump to the forefront of your brain in a place where you cannot and will not ignore them completely.

So what’s the word for that sexual identity?

One of the things I enjoy (I have some odd hobbies, I know!) is to find spanking content on websites that might not otherwise specialize in it. Now, a website that focuses on lovely lasses dressed as schoolgirls, calling itself “Innocent High” (as in “High School”) with the subtitle “Ass to Pass” doesn’t seem like a long-shot, but, well … I think I’ll fall back on the “it was a hard job, but somebody has to do it” defence!

This site mostly showcases sex, but I did find these two gems! (And I rather think there is more to find, if people feel like helping me do this “hard job”!)

I so much like the idea of Firsts Fridays that I’m going to keep it up for a while. Today’s topic: the first porn I shot.

The above image was shot when I was a wee beginner model. I was living in Western Mass, where I was going to school, and I had come to the conclusion that a life in porn was the life for me.

Now, trying to find safe modeling jobs in the Back of Beyond, Massachusetts was quite a … well, it was an education. The first rule I made, which I’ve always stuck to for my whole career, was that if I was not allowed to bring an escort, I wouldn’t go to the shoot. I lost a lot of jobs over that. I also was never raped, nor taken advantage of in a physical way. (I did make some dumb choices, did things I would do differently now, but that is part of the whole learning curve thing.)

I’ve written about my first shoot, and I’m going to go looking for that file. But, in the meantime, I thought you all would like to see me in my college schoolgirl days!

Funny to find this after yesterday’s post! Originally posted on 10th Apr 2006.

Well, you’ve all been good patient people, who have posted to let me know you like being voyeurs into my sex life [grins at you all] so here is an image from Mr Defeu’s birthday!

That’s a green school-girl gym-skirt you see on me. Oh, what a hot scene it was! My grades had been slipping, you see, and my teacher had me come over to his house for some discipline…. By this point my hands have been hit with a tawse, and the front of my thighs tawsed as well. I have been spanked, caned with a light cane in several positions, caned with a heavier cane also in couple postions, and then soundly fucked (in a variety of positions! And oh — sex with Mr Defeu is simply wonderful. But sex after being caned is beyond description.)

Then, a heavy nasty mean tawse was taken to my bottom (that would be the over-all redness you see) and then I got a final six from the cane which nearly had me climbing off the bed in pain!

It was amazing. After it was all done, and we were snuggling, I asked Mr Defeu, “Who’s birthday is it, again?!” Remember that picture of me looking all glow-y? I took that a few hours later.

I have a big long post to write about masochism another time, but suffice it to say, for now, that I am very happy with being a masochist and I am glad I am in the hands of someone who knows what to do with me!