Zille Defeu’s Fetish Fantasies

Posts Tagged ‘The S Word’

There’s been memes going around the blogs like the annual winter flu is going around me and all my friends.

None have really excited me that much, but Graham has fixed that! Here is her meme. I’ve caught Graham fever — you can too!

1. Tell us your Kinsey rating! (That is, where you fall, approximately, on the spectrum of sexuality, with zero being “only attracted to members of the opposite sex” and six being “only attracted to members of the same sex.” Follow the link for the full breakdown.)

I’m a “3” but in interesting ways. When it comes to masturbating, most of my fantasies involve a male (or at least masculine) – but in real life, I’m far more comfortable with women. I have some male spanko friends I trust, but they go through a very fine filter. But I’ll make out with or plunk myself over the lap of … well, I shouldn’t say, “most women,” but my social sieve is rather less selective! Or perhaps women are all just “finer”!

2. Spanking / BDSM “type” that suits you best (switch, top, masochist, grand-master-wizard, etc.):

Mostly-bottom-switch. I get the most from receiving the spanking … but sometimes even I must admit that there are times when there is nothing better than warming up someone’s bottom!

3. Favorite blog / site of the moment (kinky/spanking-themed):

I’ll say Pandora, because I’ve been engaging in mutual stalking with her….

4. Favorite non-kinky blog / site of the moment:
http://www.theregister.co.uk/

5. Latest spanking fantasy floating in your head:

My fantasies get more and more extreme … until they reset to a simple one of being put over Daddy’s lap for a spanking. The default reset is non-sexual, but then the sex worms its way in … first Daddy puts a finger in my bottom while lecturing me on my bad behaviour (as Graham says, don’t ask where this stuff comes from!) … and next thing you know, I’ve worked up to being kidnapped by slave traders and “broken in.”

6. Blogger you’d like to spank / be spanked by:

As Graham is responsible for this meme, I think it only fair she pay for it by getting over my lap! But that’s for when we both are actually in spanking-distance of each other! I think the most likely blogger I’ll be spanking or spanked by soon is Mystery Minx!

7. Age when you lost your (consensual, adult) spanking virginity — if this has yet to happen, give us a prediction or goal!

This is hard! I did some “rough sex” and roleplay in senior year of high school, and freshman year of college my open-minded boyfriend spanked me (he wasn’t really into it, but thought leaving red hand-prints was really fun!) and then my first BDSM scene was later, junior year of college. But I can’t say I was spanked by a proper spanko until I met my Master!

8. Favorite literary reference (excluding spanking stories!):

I find Heinlein answers for both spanking and non-spanking!

“I am free, no matter what rules surround me. If I find them tolerable, I tolerate them; if I find them too obnoxious, I break them. I am free because I know that I alone am morally responsible for everything I do.”

For Heinlein on spanking, SpankingBlog has my favourite spanking scene in Heinlein.

9. Strangest limit:

Cold water. I’d rather boiling pitch be poured on me!

10. Some Random Vanilla Trivia, in the grand tradition of memehood… Like, “what are you listening to right now,” or “what’s your favorite fruit,” or anything similarly banal.

“Leeds United” by Amanda Palmer. And any fruit except kiwi fruit, which I think is icky!

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Graham has just posted a though-provoking post, which concludes:

Anyway. I’d be interested to know how you feel about submission v. masochism – do you identify more as one or the other, or both? Does it change depending on the week, day, scene? Are you so label-transcending and over this shit that you don’t even think about it anymore?

Well, Graham, I am both, obviously.

I would point out that submission can be explored just as well in roleplay scenes (or other limited time-period options) as well as 24/7 “Serve my Master’s Needs all day and night” situations … and for someone starting their explorations, the former is much, much better than the latter!

This is not the only aspect of submission. From: TheTrainingOfO.com

There is some confusion about “submission,” which I blame on the BDSM folk’s propensity to put forth an “I am more of a ‘bottomless pit’ than thou” attitude. It’s like there is some competition between subs about who can take more pain, who can be more submissive, who is willing to give up more of their life for their D/s dynamic. It’s horrid, and it really messes with the heads of the people who are new to the scene and trying to find themselves a place within it. (Speaking from experience, here!)

The confusion about submission comes in when people assume it has to be this full-on thing. But the fact of the matter is that if you bend over for a caning or some whacks from a hair-brush, you are in that moment being submissive (regardless of whether you are a masochist, and indeed, if you are not a masochist, you are being even more submissive in that moment!) Only if every spanking you get involves you being tied down so tight you can’t move, after being “taken down” because you were unwilling to stand still for being tied up, does a spanking not include some greater or lesser amount of submission.

That doesn’t make you a submissive. There’s times throughout any vanilla day when you are compliant, acquiescent, or just passive, and those are all synonyms for “submissive” – and that doesn’t make you a submissive either. As any dog could tell you – there are times when it’s just a plain good idea to roll on your back and expose your tummy and wag your tail.

So playing around with submission is no big deal, and to some extent it is in most spanking scenes, regardless of whether you admit (or recognize it) it or not. You can take it up to another level by talking about it, and adding more of that dynamic, but being conscious of it and playing with it don’t mean it’s suddenly an ingredient that wasn’t in the recipe before – you’re just changing it up from a tablespoon to three Tbs., and maybe using grated fresh submission instead of dried powdered submission.

To address the other part of the question, my Master* and I started out with a very D/s dynamic, partially because that’s what I knew (coming from that world and not the Spanko one), and he was excited about playing with that dynamic.

Over time that has evolved, and I’d say we are now more Daddy/girl, or more like the domestic discipline people (although we don’t have a lot of things in common with them, otherwise!) but my submission has not changed in a number of ways: I try to serve him in such a way that it makes his life better (this involves making a lot of tea for him – not a very difficult charge!) and I accept his discipline.

I don’t shift in my submissive level as regards my Master very much. I can get in a shirty mood and be less considerate and obliging (and refuse to follow rules) but that is not a shift in personality as much as it is me being a spoiled half-child half-adult who needs some discipline! (As regards other people, I am not particularly submissive at all — I’m a take-charge kinda gal! A favourite saying from the BDSM world: “I’m submissive — but I’m not your submissive!”)

So I would say that most people’s labels/definitions don’t fit us very well, although saying that he is dominant and I am submissive gets a certain amount of information across most effectively, and our unique variations can be discussed in the depth they deserve, if the person actually wants to hear all about it!

*I capitalize “Master” because to me it’s a proper noun and thus should take a capital. No one else has to call him “Master,” and if they want to say, “Your master is a wonderful and fabulous man,” they don’t need to capitalize the M-word. But the whole D/s capitalization thang is an aspect of the “kinkier than thou” problem, and thus deserves to be disregarded as juvenile and ridiculous. No, I ain’t mincing words on this matter!

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I was reading Graham’s lovely recent post and thinking how I wanted to share it with a friend who hadn’t come out in the scene until she moved from her home state to the other side of the country.

But then Graham linked to Caroline Grey, who’s An Expat from Vanillaland post I had somehow missed (which would have been terrible, because it’s brilliant!) and I got all caught up in thinking about about any number of topics, because there are just so many thought-provoking things piled in one after another: the concept of a spanko-self (called by your scene name) vs your “real” self (the name you were given); the fact that when you get into the spanko scene you get pulled in and in, deeper and deeper down the kinky rabbit hole, until you get burnt out on it and need a little vacation from Kinkworld (although once you’ve become an “expat from Vanillaland,” where do you go for vacation?); and then there’s the whole notion of Kinkworld itself — a place that exists simultaneously and yet solely in your imagination, on-line, and at spanking parties or kinky rendezvous.

Happily, for me, since Zille is not just a scene name but has become my preferred nickname, and since I’ve been very open with all my more vanilla-y friends for years, I’m so long an expat from Vanillaland that I barely remember what it was like there (and infrequent visits, like my recent one back to my parent’s house, leave me feeling very much like I don’t belong there) … but when I get burnt out (like I obviously was over the past few weeks), where does that leave me to go?!

Well, I just get off the computer, really. Pretty much the major connection to Kinkworld for anyone is the interwebs, so when I feel a bit crispy ’round the edges, you’ll sudden hear the sounds of silence (the wind in the web, the sounds of digital crickets…) from me — it’s because I’m reading novels and re-watching Star Trek: that’s where I go!

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I will get to our story in progress (I’m working on it already, no worries!) but I wanted to quickly point out some areas of interest in the spankosphere.

Both Haron and Mystery Minx have various unique visions on the joy of shopping for schoolgirl uniforms. It’s amusing that it’s August, and parents around the country are placing their orders online for jumpers and pleated skirts for little Suzie, or dragging little Joey in to get this year’s trousers-and-blazer. You’d think we had the same schedule in the spanko world, which is sorta incorrect, because there’s never a bad time to buy a new pleated skirt for us. However, there is the fact that almost every spanko group manages to have a “Back To School Party” (I’ll be going to the Shadow Lane one!) in the autumn, so I guess we do have reason to be frequenting the school uniform stores at the same time as actually school-goers!

In other news, I’ve been neglecting recognizing the brilliance of my fellow spanko bloggers for too long. Pandora’s comments to Graham are a good place to start, as not only do both write very well on the topic of the value of silence in a scene, but they also name-check lots of other good writers, doing half my job for me!

I did put in a quick comment on Graham’s post, but I’ll go into my own thoughts a little, here…. When I first started playing with my Master, I was soooooo terrified that he would be disappointed in me — and this led immediately in my mind to him breaking things off with me — I was so desperately in love with him that I was very twitchy at this state, and being both nervous about impressing my shiny new Master and learning about being a spanko left me in a really uncertain place. To add to that, I was learning about spanko stuff from Janus and Blushes and Roué (“Oh my!”) magazines, and often they featured the headmaster telling the young lady about to be corrected that she’d better not make a peep as he gave her her punishment, or from the point of view of a schoolgirl thinking that she’d better be brave and take all her strokes without yelping. I thought those were my proper template, and I tired to be as stoic as possible whenever I got a chance to play with my Master.

Then, of course, he showed me spanking videos, and I got a very different template, since girls were yelping and protesting from the first swat.

This was confusing, to understate things. During scenes where my pain tolerance was low, I’d feel like a terrible wimp and a let-down. But if I was in a place where I could take a lot, and just focus on the pain by going to an internal place and being very quiet, then I’d feel like I wasn’t giving him an entirely satisfactory experience.

( In this video, interestingly, the girl is told she will be caned until tears start flowing. See the second clip….)

In the end, of course, things have come to be about a combination of what is naturally me, and what turns him on. In the usual course of things, I’m really pretty noisy. And I love being able to scene where I can be as loud as I like without upsetting the neighbours. (And this is entirely skirting the topic of sex. I was nicknamed “the banshee” in college, and I think that’s all we need to say about that!)

But sometimes I do go into this odd headspace where he can just whack away at my bottom with a cane or strap, and I go all quiet, just breathing deeply to deal with the pain.

And he is happy with both of those. (Although I think the latter sometimes discomforts him, since he can’t as easily read my reactions.) But the main thing is that he accepts and values all my ways of dealing with the CP he dishes out, and so I’ve become free to just react naturally – and my reactions change over time, and go through phases, and etc.

I’m sure at some future point, I’ll be in a scene where silence is demanded of me. And it will be a struggle, and lord knows how it will turn out (I assume I will have a very striped botty, but I think that’s a safe assumption regardless!)

But my sneaking suspicion is that there are few spankers who really want an entirely stoic spankee. If anything, the exhortation to be silent is done because everyone knows it’s well-nigh impossible, and it gives the spanker a reason to add on another set of six of the best….

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