Zille Defeu’s Fetish Fantasies

Sir,

When I was reading that Thai culture book, I found some things about the Thai culture that were, for me, very exciting!

I started writing about this, but never finished what I was writing. I thought about this the other day, and have just found the document. I thought I’d post it here, in it’s rough and unfinished state, for your interest and amusement:

I always was attracted to “teachers.” Not just my schoolteachers, but characters in stories, idols I created in my mind, etc. Sometimes it was sexual, but often it wasn’t – like my fascination with “Treebeard,” from The Lord Of The Rings, whose sections of the book I read over and over, and whom I dreamed would hold me up in his huge gnarled hands – but whom was most certainly NOT a sexual character for me, even now.

At night, to put myself to sleep, however, I WAS in the huge, inescapable hands of the “spanking monsters.” They washed me, fed me, held me, and spanked me (they even changed my diaper, at times, but I think that was less about infantilism and more about finding some reason for them to be touching my genital area.) I was having these fantasies as early age 8, I know for sure, and maybe earlier.

The common themes, be they my fantasies sexual or not, were the fact that I was with some über-adult, who was caring for me, teaching me, and very literally holding me in their big, strong hands.

Those were my formative fantasies – the very first longings I felt for other (not “Mommy”) humans. Were they longings for “Daddy?” Well, that does seem to be the case, as we have (on record, to my embarrassment) romantic stories I wrote with female leads with my name and male names with my father’s! (The example that springs first to mind is my first grade story that tells of a Prince rescuing the Princess from something or other, and them riding off into the sunset together.)

Why this was so intense for me is unknown. My father was around, a morning and evening presence in my life. He played with me, spent time with me, read to me, etc. I was not lacking a father figure in any way. (Nor did he ever try to do anything untoward to me in any way, so I did not have that stimulus for sexual confusion.)

And, although in later life I got into “Daddy-play,” it was not a long-held fantasy. I think it was more that my father, in his more vibrant days, helped shape the kind of person I would long for. I never, and still don’t, want him, as my father, to be my lover. The very thought evokes a very healthy feeling “UGH – not right!” in my mind!

So, from the beginning, I wanted a person (mostly I went for males, but not always) who had some qualities in common with the traditional father figure, but I was very much looking outside my family.

But I’ve gotten sidetracked – back to hands. Big, strong, knowledgeable hands. Hands holding me – protecting me, molding me, controlling me. That is without a doubt what I have wanted and needed all my life, both in sexual and non-sexual relationships.

I am a dominant person with most people. I get quite cranky when people don’t get the point right off and do what I tell them (although mostly I have no trouble taking control of whatever situation I am in where I have enough knowledge to legitimately do so.) I like to be in control and have people do recognize that. And I can have fun being a Top, and learn things about myself. But that’s just “the way I am.” Being that way does not fulfill a need. I need to submit my will (and other things) to someone I know is worthy of my submission, someone who can make me submit because they are superior. Which leads to the first quote:

“It is important to note that traditionally those of a low status have never viewed such a social system as particularly unreasonable or severe. Rather, they have tended to feel that those who have status and authority derive them to a certain extent from their moral and ethical excellence….”

I have several requirements for what I feel is honest, real submission (not just a fun short-term game.) The Top must be: older, stronger, quicker witted, more intelligent, and also, obviously, capable of being more dominant than I. Now, I want to submit. But I can’t just say, “Oh, I’m going to submit.” It doesn’t work like that. I need to feel I am really submitting to something real, or I cannot really give one hundred percent of myself. It’s very much the same for me emotionally and physically. I cannot have (or, have not had) a “rough sex” scene where I knew I could “take down” the Top, but I wasn’t doing it for whatever reason, that was truly satisfactory for me. Only in scenes where I knew I was incapable of winning, was that dominant … knot inside me able to untie and let me get all the way to the place of fulfillment.

“In return for the service and respect of the subordinate, the superior gives protection and leadership.”

“An important aspect of the relationship between subordinate and superior is the notion that a person should have an influential individual on who he can phyyng (depend) for assistance with coping with life’s vagaries. The depth of this client-patron relationship varies with the degree of mutual affection and trust. Benefits flow both ways, for the patron can also call on the client to provide certain services….”

“The ideal supervisor is almost like a member of the family, an elder brother, respected relative, or particularly in this case a phii liang (often rendered in English as “nursemaid” or “trainer,” though the literal meaning, “elder who looks after,” better conveys the idea here.”

“Traditional Thai promotional practices reflect the deeply ingrained pattern of benevolent paternalism in which the nai (“master”) rewarded the luuk nawang (subordinate) for respectful, obedient behavior. Though in theory, a nai is a person of wrath as well as mercy, carrying the whip in one hand and the bag of money in the other, in practice the boss has been much freer with using the money rather than the whip.”

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