Zille Defeu’s Fetish Fantasies

There are so many things I want to talk about today, but I don’t have enough time!

However, I just have to start things off with the “Word Of The Day,” that I just got in my inbox:

pin money, noun:
1. An allowance of money given by a husband to his wife for private and personal expenditures.

Since my evil jobby-job is now almost entirely done (I’m hoping this is the last week of it, but my soon-to-be-ex-boss might just step up to new levels of evil by making it last one week longer!) there is about to be a period in which I’m not employed. I will still have some money coming in, as the payment for the jobby-job trickles in, and I have a bit saved, but for the most part, I’ll be living off my Master for a little while.

We talked today about how I will have to ask him before I make any significant purchase, even with my own money.

So, yay! A new rule for me! This feels good and right, to me. I’d like not to have money, or own anything — just give everything to him, and then have only what he gives to me.

Getting married is a stage in that direction. Not only will I vow to, and I quote literally, “obey him, and serve him, love, honour, and keep him in sickness and in health; and, forsaking all other, keep thee only unto him, so long as ye both shall live” (and can I just say, ohmigod — how exciting that will be, to vow those things in front of both his and my family and friends! The vanilla people won’t understand the full extent of it, but I basically get to have a collaring in front of 170-some people!!!) but also, by the rules of the state of California, where we live, once you get married, legally one person owns half of everything, and the other owns the other half. So I will be legally giving him half of everything I own — a good start! And, I will be legally bound to him! Like a legal leash! It’s not the same kind of legal binding that there was before women’s emancipation (which, I will just point out, I have nothing against. Go girl power! And etc. But as a woman with rights, I would like the right to give up my rights, should I desire it), so I’m not actually legally his property … but still, it’s a good start! It’s like getting a rope harness put on you. It’s a bit constrictive, maybe it will chafe in places, but you are still free to move your arms and legs. However, that rope harness can very quickly become the center-point of your whole body bound immovably. Or, suspended from the ceiling!

I wouldn’t be the first person to see marriage as bondage … but possibly I’m the first to see it in that particular light!

With this job ending, the freedom for my Master and me to get really serious about our M/s begins! Obviously I’ll have to get some sort of income sooner or later, but in the meanwhile, I can refocus on serving him 24/7: spending my whole day cleaning, cooking, doing tasks he sets me — and hopefully providing lots of sexual service and receiving lots of discipline!

Oh, such heaven! This is really what I want to do. I mean, sure there’s other things I would like to do, like photography, and travel, and someday going back to college. But he’s a photographer and loves doing photography with me, so that’s all good, and he loves travel more than pretty much anyone else in the world, so I’m barely able to keep up with him, there, and if and when the time is right for me to go back to school, he’ll be supportive of it. But aside from those things, really, I just want to be a slave, and spend my life in service.

I want his rules to build up organically around me, until I don’t even notice, but I do his will as easily as breathing.

I want to be disciplined and punished, and my negative behaviours and personal flaws to be smoothed out of me, until I’m the perfect person for him. I want to learn how not to be snappy when I’m stressed out, I want to learn how to think before I speak, I want to learn how to put someone else’s needs ahead of mine. I’ve got a start on all of these, but these are things that are very hard to fix without help. I need his help … and I need to devote myself to learning the lessons he gives me.

I know, I know … I’m giddy with excitement. And as the wedding draws closer and closer, I just get more and more giddy! I don’t know what weddings mean to vanilla people — I’m sure it’s all very lovely and meaningful — but it seems like, for my Master and me, there is so much more. Our marriage is our Master/slave contract … the subtext is so powerful that it overwhelms the (already quite wonderful) text.

I wish he were home right now. I just want to throw myself at his feet and beg … I’m not entirely sure for what … I guess it would just be for him to take another piece of me, right now. I’m just longing to give myself to him…!

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