Topic to consider: norms in the kink community….
April 4th, 2007 | Author: Zille
Lovely Pixiepie posted up a list of qualities a “good Dom” will have: http://pixiepie.wordpress.com/2007/04/04/a-good-dom/
My response, which is just the start of what I want to write about this topic, because it’s been being hashed over in my head for some time, now:
I agree with lots of those, Pixiepie, but by that list my Master is not a “good Dom” — because he does not allow me safewords.
(Heehee … and, I’d say “My Master isn’t a good Dom, he’s a great Dom!” [huge grin] )
Anyway … I think the problems with lists like these are exemplified by the example I give above. All of us kinksters are so very different in what we want and need, that even when you deal in things that might seem basically to be a good idea, like safewords, you still can’t say, “Across the board, this is how it must be, or it is bad.” You just can’t. Another couple might want and need it to be different, and it isn’t “bad” for them at all.
Another example, “Isn’t afraid to be brutal.” Well, you know I want and need some good brutality as much as you do, my friend, but there are some subs who would break from any brutality. They need discipline, yes, and control, and all sorts of good stuff like that. But a good Dom for them will never, ever be brutal.
I’ve struggled with this a lot. Because we don’t fit into the mainstream, we want to create some rules for our society, some norms for our abnormal relationships. But somehow, it never works — the SSC dilemna being the biggest example. “Safe, sane, and consensual” sounds like a “Well, duh, of course!” kind of thing. However, the SSC people went all social-nazi on the scene: “You can’t do this — it’s not SSC!” — “You can’t play like this in this dungeon — it makes others uncomfortable!” In most of the U.S., you can’t have a beer at your local dungeon, because SSC people have perpetuated this idea that if you have a drink that your scene will without exception go terribly wrong and everyone involved will suffer terrible emotional damage (if not worse.) Europeans pervs look at us like we’re crazy!
It got so bad, that people have had to come up with other terms, and then go about saying, “I’m not SSC, I’m RACK!” (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/RACK)
Which, in the end, is just ridiculous!
So, I think the best we can do (and I’m still trying to learn this for myself) is to say, “My idea of the perfect Dom…” or “The Dom that is best for me…” because, really, any list anyone makes is subjective. In vanilla-land, maybe subjective lists are mostly okay: “A good boyfriend will be a good listener, and like romatic comedies, and to go down on my when I have my period…” but in our kink-i-verse, well, our limits and desires are not the limits and desires of the person standing next to us in the dungeon….
Northern Spanking
I Feel Myself.com
I definitely agree with this, and have been musing on a post of my own about labels and descriptions and such. I think part of all this comes from the very natural desire to be able to have a dialogue about kink, and so people have tried to develop a common language. The problem is that they’ve failed, since no-one seems to agree on terms.
As to safewords – my girl has one (and it’s important to her), but she would never use it, so I have to act as if she doesn’t.
People like labels. Its one of the amusing things about them. I’ve seen people get deep into their lifestyle and the deeper they go, the more the armchair philosopher comes out in them. My theory is that when you are following the mainstream, you don’t really need to justify your day to day existence. It has been established. However, if you’re going to make the conscious choice to break away from that, then you need to re-establish what is normal and moral within the context of your alternative. My humorous quotes on the phenomena are pretty limited, but I do remember something from friends along the lines of “Boy, you sure do have a lot of books on being a lesbian.”
That’s not to say its all sex related either. The Gamer geek version of this is GNS Theory, which not only has its opponents and supporters but also its factions within the theory.
Hi gelts! Again…no offense at all taken earlier! I should have clarified in my blog that …to me a good Dom should have these qualitites…I certainly was not trying to make rules for Doms in general or prescribe a cookie cutter pattern for us all.
I agree with what you have written above and I hope you do plan on exploring it more. I also think that my idea of a good Dom is based on my experiences at present….if for some reason in the future my current lover is replaced with someone else I am sure his amazing qualitites may override some of my opinions now!
I do not agree with labels either especially in situations where everyone’s needs are so different.