Zille Defeu’s Fetish Fantasies

I’ve got punishment on my mind. You see, it because one is about to come my way. And, in the way of all submissives/slaves, I can’t stop thinking about it.

And, like masochism, it doesn’t make any sense to me. Let’s look at the facts:

• The idea of punishment is hotter than hell, to me. My fantasies are not particularly soft and fluffy at the best of times, but sometimes, to get off, I have to really put myself through the wringer. And all the better if the shame, humilation, and helplessness of being punished are involved.
• However, when it comes time for a real punishment to actually happen, I’d really rather not, thanks! “No, I’ve learned my lesson, really! No need to punish lil’ old me!” I’m quakin’-in-my-boots scared.
• And they suck, while they happen! Writing lines is one of the most miserable ways to pass time in the universe. Or getting denied something you want because you fucked up — where’s the fun in that?! And my Master will give me pain I can’t handle, don’t like, because obviously we don’t want to give me a reward for messing up! And it’s damned hard to eroticise kneeling on rice.
• Or so you’d think! But when the time comes for some quality time with Mr. Buzzy, somehow that very uncomfortable punishment, replete with burning pain that shoots up your legs, becomes orgasm-worthy.
• Which freaks me out! I’m not supposed to be eroticising this! How will I learn my lesson (and learning my lesson is vitally important to me, because I HATE letting my Master, and myself, down) if I’m all getting juiced up during the punishment?
• But, but — my Master gets turned on! He gets harder than ever when he punishes me. He loves having that level of power and control over me.
• But is that just “Master’s perogative”? Do punishers get to be aroused (since after all, they have done nothing wrong!) but not punishees?
• But it’s wanting to be punished that made me be “kinky” in the first place! I’ve wanted it since I was five years old! I’m in a Master/slave relationship because I want to be punished! And if I want it, and it’s inextricably tied to my sexuality, then why can’t I eroticise it?!

And so on. But then, this evening I found the simply amazing site called, “The Punishment Book,” which had the most settling, confusion-allaying post, perfectly entitled: The Punishment Paradox. Go read it. It’s astoundingly well-written. However, I will quote the most relevant paragraph, here:

Perhaps there is something validating about punishment. Something that acknowledges the little girl in me who still lives with her primeval fears of being bad and abandoned. That acknowledges her internal distress with a palpable sign of disapproval that is, in turn, a powerful expression of affection and commitment. And by doing so, allows me to let go of my fears and distress, even if my lover let go of my faults a long time ago.

Ah! Okay! Things make a bit more sense now! I still have a lot of thinking to do … but it’s going to be on my mind, anyway, and it’s always wonderful topic for consideration!

Perhaps you’re wondering what I did to “earn” my punishment? Well, right now my Master has very few real, set-in-stone rules for me. And one of them is that, while I may masturbate at will, I must be holding his cane. Well, the other day, I lay down, got out Mr. Buzzy, and started in on a nice fantasy.

And then I realised: “Fuck fuck FUCK! I don’t have the cane! Fuck!” I got the cane, and completed the act in the approved manner. But while I suppose things could have been worse if I’d actually come before I remembered the cane, still, there was a real “forgetting the rule” that happened.

And I do actually want him to be strict with me. I need my world bound with lovely comforting absolutes: “You do X, and Y happens.” Because the little girl in me still doesn’t really feel comfortable operating in this big scary world with all those gazillion shades of gray. Because I like bondage, and not just of my body, but of my mind, as well. So I know I need this punishment.

And, right now, with the safety of this punishment being a week away, it’s really damned arousing! Some part of my brain that doesn’t understand “survival instinct” is purrrrrrring with happiness. My Master loves me! He’s going to punish me and show me my place! I feel wanted and loved! Yay!

But come Saturday, I’m going to really be rethinking the concept of “strict interpretation of the law”! I just hope I can be stoic and make him proud of me.

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