Zille Defeu’s Fetish Fantasies

Well, I assume so. My Master says we will be having a scene soon, and I can’t imagine he won’t choose to include at least a spot of spanking. And I haven’t been spanked in three weeks, and I can’t wait! I hope it’s a long, protracted, serious spanking! If he doesn’t mind his arm getting tired, I don’t mind my ass glowing!

I’m sitting beside him on the sofa right now, dressed in full equestrienne gear: white shirt, white jodphurs with deerskin knee patches, black blazer and black riding boots. When I came out of the bedroom (which I had just cleaned and made the bed up all nice — it’s so much nicer to scene in a clean, tidy room!) my Master looked up from his computer, saw the outfit with pleasure, and said, “Ahhh. We are going to have to do something about that soon!”

Now I’m waiting. Argh! I hate the waiting part! I just want him to get off his computer and take me into the bedroom! The waiting messes with my mind, and not in a good, kinky way, but in a way that makes me doubt myself. I try to tell myself that he is just being a mean ol’ Top, and enjoying making me wait. But there’s a voice inside me that says, “No, that’s not it. He’s just not that turned on by you anymore. He’s finding what he’s doing on the computer much more fascinating than the idea of playing with you, so obviously he just doesn’t find you that exciting.”

I try to ignore it, but that little voice is most persuasive.

I know that the whole point of being a Master is that you get to decide when things happen. That I can’t come out and say, “Okay! We’re doing a scene now!” And I don’t want to have that control — I’d be miserable.

But I do wish he understood that waiting is a double-edged sword with me. Sure it throws me off balance, gets me into that nervous, anticipatory mind-space adored by sadists the world over … but if I’m not managed carefully when I’m in that space, it can easily turn into depression. Not a small number of our scenes have been ruined by me having a mini-nervous-breakdown before he gets around to playing with me.

I remember a scene I watched when A. and I were staying with a kinky lesbian couple when we had first moved out to CA. It was a birthday scene for the bottom, and the Top had worked her up into a lather with spanking and a leather belt. Then the Top threated what was next to come: a cutting, with the Top’s cigar ash rubbed into the cuts. The Top then left the bottom to await her fate … and the Top went off and went into a chatroom online and lost track of time. A. and I had to go get the Top after the bottom had broken down into tears from being forgotten.

I’ll never forget that … and it colors how I see being made to wait now. I always worry that I’ve been forgotten … especially when my Master is on the computer while I wait, which he often is. I know I need to trust … but I need to be taught how to trust, built up to that trusting state, not just left to wait and freak out and then ruin our scene. I wish I could get my Master to trust that I am not trying to top from the bottom, not deliberately trying to get the scene onto my timeline, or selfishly demand attention … but I just need a little extra help with this matter….

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