Zille Defeu’s Fetish Fantasies

In a comment on my last post, Karl wrote:

Interesting to read your take on the joys of obedience. But how does getting spanked factor into it? As in, how do you get spanked, or what do you get spanked for, if you’re always so obedient? I gather from your earlier posts that you do enjoy a good spanking now and again.

That last sentence is of course Karl exemplifying “understatement!” And Karl had perfect timing, because this was just what I was going to blog about.

To put it simply, spanking has no real place in the modified form of domestic disciple that my Master and I are currently discussing putting into place. For the very reason that Karl aptly points out; or to put it another way, “I loves me a good spankin’!”

A hand-spanking is in no way a deterrent for me. Even a hard walloping done without a warm up is more likely to make me come than make me regret my words or actions.

However, the paddle is another matter. Even with a warm-up (of which there would be none for a punishment!) I can barely stand the paddle. And if I’m just bent over and given some emphatic whacks, and that’s it (except perhaps to give my Master a blowjob to thank him for taking the time to discipline me!) then it’s not going to be something I enjoy very much, and I’m going to try and avoid that because I’d much rather we spend the time getting up to the kinky things I do enjoy.

For other corporal punishments, there’s always the dreaded “kneeling on rice,” which I’d really prefer never to have to suffer through again.

Also, there is of course non-spanking punishments like writing lines, or doing some other task that I don’t enjoy.

Trust me – there are plenty of ways of punishing me without putting me over the knee for a hand-spanking! That can be a reward for me when I’ve been good: “the carrot and the stick!”

Karl also brings up the point, “what do you get spanked for, if you’re always so obedient?” Well, the problem is that I’m always obedient on the “easy” stuff: I love to cook and clean for my Master, I love kneeling for him, I’m delighted to hold his cane when I masturbate, and it’s easy to deferential and considerate most of the time.

However, when life gets hard for me (for any reason, and any value of “hard”) I can become a really selfish, needy, and demanding creature.

Some of that is within reason, and my Master understands that and will make allowances.

But I tend to “wallow,” and that leads to continued selfishness, neediness, and expectations of things from him that I really don’t need to have.

I don’t want to act like that! But my mother and some of my exes were very manipulative and selfish people, and unfortunately I learned some bad habits as I was learning to deal with them. But I don’t need those behaviours any longer, as I am with a Master who is an amazingly caring and considerate man, who is constitutionally incapable of manipulation, and who is dedicated to looking after my needs.

When I get into a “funk,” and start acting badly, I bring us as close as we ever get to “fights.” In the four years we’ve been together, the few times we’ve ever had anything like the fights I was used to in previous relationships were caused by me acting like an idiot, because I’d gotten myself into a bad emotional place and refused to come out. A bit like a hurt animal that backed itself into a corner and will bite and scratch anyone who tries to help it; however, I am not an animal – I’m a thinking person, and I can, if I try, let go of my self-afflicted internal pain and act reasonably.

That’s where the discipline comes in. Because, as hard as I work at being a good person when I’m feeling good, or pretty good, the minute I perceiving things as getting hard, I just drop right into those bad behaviours. I need to be taught not to let old, bad habits take over. And I really need his help to learn how to do that.

Perhaps someone reading this may think, “Well, why not go to a therapist? That’s what most people do for those sorts of things!”

Well, for one, because I know lots of people who’ve gone to therapists and amount of help they’ve allowed themselves to receive is quite variable. And, secondly, my Master really needs someone whom he can discipline and teach and take care of in that way – and I truly need to be disciplined and taught and taken care of that way. I don’t know when that need started for him, but it’s been with me since my earliest memories. (I now have some theories for why, but that’s for another post.) Since he and I have managed to find someone in this wide world who is compatible with our own very unique needs, then it would be a damn shame not to enjoy that, and to help each other in our own uniquely compatible ways.

Karl – I hope that answered your excellent questions! And anyone reading my blog should always feel free to ask questions, too!

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